Page 27 of As the Years Pass
It was the same with Adam, even though it was different.Or was it?When I wanted more, he pushed me away, but while we were together, it felt different. I know it was. It had to be. Or else… why would I be here? Why even come at all?
But now I can’t help but wonder if it’s a lost cause. I haven’t been here long, and I haven’t tried much with Adam, but then again, his life is busy and full. Too much to include me. I mean, I asked him to hang out, and I got asurein response. I’m not an idiot. I know that means “I don’t really want to, but I guess we can.” And I’m sure if I bring it up again, I’ll be met with excuses.
Maybe hooking up with guys wouldn’t be the worst thing to do. In fact, maybe it will help me get over Adam.
But then I remember how I felt the last time I did it—well, the last time I tried. It wasn’t great. In fact, it was awful and one of the most embarrassing nights of my life. Nothing was working—and I meannothing.
I was sure I was ready to hook up with someone, to move on from everything with Adam. My body responded well… until it didn’t.
The guy was hot as hell, completely my type, but when I saw him naked, all I could think about was how he wasn’t Adam and it was all wrong. My dick had never gotten so soft, so fast in my life. He tried to help, stayed positive, but finally I gave up. It wasn’t worth the stress or the effort. He told me it was okay, and he left, then I never talked to him again. I try not to think aboutit because there are too many confusing thoughts I have around it—like that I’ll never be with anyone if I can’t be with Adam. It was a thought that I used to love because I love him, but after some time, that thought became dreadful because it meant I would end up alone.
But I don’t want to be alone.
What happens if I end up sick like my mother and have no one to help take care of me or offer emotional support? And less negatively and more simply… I want to be happy, and I’m not so dense to believe that I am. I just feel like I’m going through the motions of life, and that’s it. Like I’m a side character in someone else’s story.
The waiter brings me my food and asks if I need anything else. I tell him no, and he hesitates for a moment before leaving. He’s a good enough looking guy, and I’m sure he’d be a hell of a time, but he’s just not for me.
I eat my food as I browse news articles and social media. When I’m finished eating, the waiter comes back and puts down the slip before picking up my empty plate. I pull out my card and hand it to him before he leaves.
“So, I’m sorry if this is weird, but I think I’ve seen you before.”
I look up at him. “Oh?”
“Yeah, atThe Butterfly?” He grabs the receipt and my card.
“Yeah, I own it.”
“Oh,” he says, drawing out the word. “So you’re the Bar Daddy.”
Fucking Nathanial.
I huff out a laugh. “Yeah, that’s me… apparently.”
He smiles, nodding as he walks away. When he brings me back my card, I find his number written on the back of my receipt. I stare at it for a long moment before I pocket it and head back to my car.
Chapter Ten
Adam
It’s the Monday before Christmas, and the way the days fall this year makes it so the office will be closed Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. We’re already closed on weekends, so next week, I’ll only work on Monday because we’re closed Tuesday for New Year’s Eve. So really, I have just a few days left of work, which makes getting out of my car to head inside really difficult.
I fell into this job because of Leslie’s uncle. I never thought I would be good at it, and somehow I ended up being one of the best realtors in the county. Some say it’s my charm, others say it’s my looks, I just think it’s luck. This is a job I don’t have to try hard at. I don’t have to do much selling, either, all I do is show the clients what they want, point out it’s what they need, and it’s sold—very simple.
I’ve been at Key Cove Realty for nearly thirteen years. When I told my boss I would be ending my contract with them this year, it was easy because it made sense. I was doing it for my kids, to be with them, to make sure they had a father who cared about them in their lives.
But now… heading in for my last few days is bitter sweet. This place has become a second home, my co-workers like family, and though I can keep in touch, it’s more than that. It’s the job.
It’s not the typical place where you have repeat customers and become friendly with them. This job is more about the happiness in clients’ eyes when they find out they won the bid, or the embrace they share after signing papers, or the tears that spill when they find out they’re approved for a loan they didn’t think they would get.
I am a part of people’s happiness. I am a part of the process of starting the next step in their lives. That’s important to me. And I’m sure most of these people never think of me again, but I think about them a lot. I wonder where they are now, and if they finally started those families they talked about, wonder if they decorated the kids’ rooms the way they said they would or wanted to. Then I wonder how much those rooms have changed because kids grow so fast and they grow out of their interests even faster.
This is more than just a job for me, and leaving it will be difficult. I don’t know what lies on the other side. I’ve had interviews, and I have more lined up. I’ve been offered a handful of jobs, all that come with exceptional pay. But none of them feel right, and I can’t help but think about what Emmet said to me the other day, about being a teacher.
I’m not sure that’s the answer to my problem, but it made me realize that I have options. There are plenty of things for me to do, so do I want to jump right back into realty? Or do I choose something else?
I have too many things going on to consider going back to school, but I have a lot of credits. I’d still have to take a few classes, of course, depending which direction I want to go in. Maybe I’d need a semester or two. I’m not sure. I’ll look at it another time to figure it out, because now really isn’t the time. I need to worry about my fully moving to Seattle, my kids, and this separation that will soon turn into a full-blown divorce.
And right now, I need to get out of my car and head inside to have my second-to-last Monday at Key Cove Realty.
