Page 46 of Mistletoe and Malice
“That’s completely normal. I’m glad you finally gave yourself that time. Being busy is all well and good, but it only medicates you. You eventually have to let yourself get through it or you get stuck there.”
“Yeah, I was basically on autopilot for the year after she passed, going through the motions. As long as I was working, I could be alert, involved in life around me. But as soon as I hit the front door, I shut down. It was either that or let the anger eat me up.”
“Anger?”
He gave his head a shake. “I know you have a strong faith, Riley, and at one time, I did too. Or so I believed. But Theresa suffering like she did … dying like she did. So young and way too soon. Praying for a miracle that never came … well, I guess I blamed God. I know our relationship hasn’t ever been the same. It’s just hard to talk to Him anymore.” He took the last bite of his sandwich and walked his plate over to the sink.
“Do you try?” she asked quietly, not wanting to offend him while at the same time knowing what he needed most was the one thing he’d pushed away. He needed his faith, his God … the hope only Jesus could bring. A lasting hope.
Taking his seat again, he moved his head from side to side. “Sometimes. But I never get very far. And to be honest, I’m not all that angry anymore. I guess I’ve moved through the stages and now accept it. I think I’ve walked so far away from God, though … put so much time and space between us, I can’t seem to find my way back.”
“But He hasn’t moved. He’s still right there, right where you left Him. Waiting for you to reach out. He won’t push His will on you, but He is there for you.”
He studied her but said nothing.
“Was Theresa a believer?”
“Yes. Had a strong faith. All the way to the end.”
“So, she’s with her Lord now.”
“Most definitely.” He chuckled. “Probably telling Him to give me a swift kick to the backside.”
She gave him a half-smile, wishing she could help him come back. Help him bridge the abyss he felt existed between himself and the God he once knew. “Why do you still work such obscene hours if you’ve accepted her death? You don’t have much opportunity to form new relationships with your schedule.”
“Because it works for me. I like the intensity of an assignment like this. I’m good at it. And I have no intention of ever getting involved with anyone again, so why date?”
No intention of getting involved with anyone? Ever?
She stared at the quarter sandwich still in front of her, letting his words penetrate. “Why don’t you think you’ll ever be involved with anyone again?”
“Don’t want to be. I had a great wife. A great marriage. I can’t imagine being with someone like that again.”
“You had one successful marriage. There’s no reason to believe you couldn’t have another. The odds are in your favor.”
“I’ve never found myself even remotely curious to find out if I could again.”
She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. “I hope you find someone someday. I really do. You’re a great guy. And you were obviously a good husband. You should get married, have those children you wanted, and live a wonderful life. I’m sure Theresa would want that for you.”
His lips pressed together, and he turned his face away. The fingers of his right hand grasped the base of his left ring finger, as if searching for what was no longer there. How long had it been since he quit wearing his band?
“She told me to find someone.” He cleared his throat. “To have kids. Said she always believed I’d be a great dad. I don’t know about that, but it was nice she thought so.”
Riley picked up her sandwich and took another bite, looking down into her cocoa as her mind spun. Colton had been married. Very happily married. But he’d lost her. All because she couldn’t find a match in time.
How many others lay in hospital beds or at home, praying for a miracle?
She stuffed the rest of her sandwich in her mouth and picked up her cup. “That was good.” She wadded up her napkin and rose from the table. “Thanks for sharing your sandwich with me.”
“Thanks for listening.”
“Anytime. I mean it.”
“Back atcha.” He joined her at the counter, concern written in those azure eyes. “I know what happened at your house had to have rattled you, but hiding away isn’t going to help you get past it. If you need to talk, come find me.”
“Thank you. I appreciate it. And since you already know I don’t like beating around the bush, let me encourage you to listen to your own advice. You may not be hiding out physically, but you are emotionally, spiritually. And that’s not healthy either.”
She put her hand on his arm. “God loves you so much, Colton. I know you don’t understand why things happened as they did, but the world is a broken place. These earthly bodies are temporary, and this world is not our home.”
