Page 25 of What Is Love
The school parking lot had mostly cleared out. I didn’t run into Brandon, which was a huge relief. However, as I walked to my car, I saw someone waiting for me.
Roe was straddling his bike, parked in the spot right next to my G-Wagon. He watched as I approached. “You took your time leaving.”
I came to stand next to his motorcycle. “Were you waiting for me?”
“Do you like pool?” he asked, evading my question.
“The game with balls and sticks?”
He nodded with a smile.
“Never played,” I admitted.
“Would you like to?”
I was a little surprised, but didn’t let it show. “Right now?”
“Unless you got something better to do.”
I had to say no.
I had to.
The bruises on my body should have reminded me why I shouldn’t hesitate to tell him no.
But I did.
There hadn’t been anything I could have done to prevent last night. That was what had me in such a numb, messed-up state. Mother had just wanted to hurt me. It hadn’t been the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last.
Maybe I could have not gone into the kitchen. No. That would have just postponed the inevitable. She had gone looking for me to use me as an outlet for her anger before. I didn’t have any doubt that would have been the case again yesterday.
When I made a mistake, I could rationalize her hurting me as a punishment for that mistake. In the back of my head, I knew it was still wrong even then, but I was in hell. I couldn’t get out. To endure, I had to give my soul a reason for why bad things happened or it would shatter. I found strength in telling myself that I wouldn’t make the same mistake again. I would do better. If I was perfect, there wouldn’t be any more pain.
So when she hurt me for no reason, I cracked. Like a broken mirror on the verge of crumbling. Right now, all I could do was stare at the brokenness, struggling to find the strength to start filling the cracks with glue so I could keep going.
I glanced back at the school. On the other side of it was the baseball field. The fallout of Brandon finding out that I’d spenttime with another guy…Mother would kill me. I wished that was an exaggeration. She really would. I didn’t want to die, but I was so fucked-up that there was a part of me that just wanted it all to be over.
Why not do something that I wanted for a change? The pain was never going to stop. I might as well do something to fucking earn it.
I mentally shook my head.
What am I thinking?I was having such rebellious, dangerous thoughts.
“If you’re worried about the boyfriend finding out, don’t be,” he said, drawing my gaze back to him. He held his hand out to me. “No one will recognize you where we’re going.”
My hand twitched at my side, wanting to take his. “You’re making it sound ominous.”
He looked like he was trying not to grin. “Maybe it is. I’ll bet you’ll have fun, though. Might melt that icy exterior and you’ll smile for once.”
I wanted to have fun. I craved it, even it if was short-lived. “I smile.”
“I’m talking about a real smile.”
There was no use arguing with him. It’d be a waste of energy.
Staring at the hand he was still holding out to me, I knew that to take it would be a huge risk. He alone was a risk.
Just this once.
