Page 68 of What Is Love
I was sure it was only out of shock and wanting to avoid a scene that he released my arm. Once free, I took off. It wasn’t until I was far away from him that the magnitude of what I had done and the repercussions that would follow hit me. My steps turned quick as panic exploded in my chest. I passed the nurse’s office. I couldn’t escape there anymore. My legs seemed to know where they were going before I did, because the next thing I knew, I was headed toward the football field.
As I was getting ready to go behind the bleachers, I hoped—something I hated to do—that he was there. When I rounded thecorner and stepped on the path along the chain-link fence, I saw him. Roe was leaning back against the equipment shed with his head tilted back as he smoked a joint.
I stalked toward him until he noticed me. I stopped twenty feet away, unsure what to do as I tried to stop the panting that had nothing to do with walking fast. The last time I had seen him, I’d told him to stay away from me and then ignored his calls and texts.
What if he doesn’t want to see me?
I rubbed my chest as my lungs squeezed, refusing to expand. My side and back were killing me from moving too much. All around, I was a mess.
What did I do?
I hit him.
I began pacing because it was the only thing I could think of to do when I got like this.
I can’t do this anymore.
“Lottie.”
I couldn’t rebel and forget consequences one minute and be overwhelmed with fear and regret the next. Even if Mother didn’t kill me, she was going to hurt me.
“Lottie.”
The punishment would be so bad, I’d carry the scars that would remind me of my mistakes for the rest of my life. Inside me was such a mess. I was so, so terrified, but I was so, so done with it all. I was done living in fear, in pain. I was done with this life.
“Charlotte!” Roe grabbed me with one hand by the back of my neck and pulled me to him until the front of my body fell against his. He held me there, forcing me to stare up at him with his firm grip behind my neck.
He startled the panic attack away and now all I could smell, feel, and see was him. The world just fell away. He always had that effect.
He frowned down at me, his eyes boring into mine. It was like he was waiting. For what, I didn’t know. He didn’t take his eyes off me as he brought his joint up. Desperate to feel as relaxed, I tried to take the joint before it reached his lips. He held it up high. Ignoring the pain, I tried to reach for it. I even pushed up onto my tiptoes. He just held it up higher. When I tried to pull his arm down by his sleeve, he started walking us until my back hit the chain-link fence. It rattled as I let out a gasp of surprise and pain.
His hand dropped away from my neck and managed to collect both of mine. I didn’t resist, and I ignored the soreness in my hurt arm as he pinned my hands above my head. I was a willing victim for him. One who waited and watched with held breath. He brought the joint to his mouth and took a puff. When he pulled the joint away, he didn’t exhale. He leaned in, bringing his mouth so close to mine, and as he began to blow out, I inhaled what he was giving me until I couldn’t expand my lungs anymore. I held it in, and he waited. I exhaled slowly, and as I did, he released my hands. One hand went to my hip while his other tapped the joint on a flat part of the fence to extinguish it.
I brought my hands to his chest and fisted the lapels of his blazer. I pulled on him as I went to my tiptoes. His hand that had been dealing with the joint grabbed onto the fence right next to my head, stopping me from pulling him any closer. Even on my tiptoes, I still couldn’t touch my mouth to his.
“Roe,” I pleaded.
He stared down at me with a blank expression as I offered myself to him. “What do you want from me, Lottie?”
I moved a hand up until it was behind his neck and my fingers were in his hair. I held my mouth as close to his as possible. “Kiss me. I want you to kiss me.”
My plea was the key to the shackles that held him back. His mouth slammed down on mine. Him kissing me was everything I had imagined and more. His lips were soft but dominant. He didn’t kiss me like Brandon. Roe didn’t have to force anything. I submitted willingly. It was almost euphoric, being held and kissed by a man who made me feel safe. It gave me room to just desire him and feel everything he was doing to me.
He nibbled at my lips before he brushed over the gentle bites with his tongue. Just when he was about to do it again, I met his tongue with mine, inviting him, luring him into my mouth. He followed, tasting me, stroking me.
His hand at my hip traveled to the back of my knee and lifted, bringing my leg to his hip. I pulled on his blazer with the hand that still held his lapel and fisted his hair with my other. Needing him closer, I rolled my hips.
He cursed against my mouth before both of his hands went to the backs of my bare thighs under my skirt and he lifted me up. My legs wrapped around his waist. I moved my hand from his blazer to cup his cheek, and I pulled away just slightly to catch my breath. “I lied. I don’t want you to stay away from me,” I said against his lips before kissing him again. “I hit him. He was hurting me, and I hit him. I got scared and I came running to you.”
He pulled away slightly. “What? He hurt you?”
“He just grabbed my arm. I…injured it yesterday, and when he grabbed me as I tried to leave, it hurt, and I smacked him across his face.”
He looked pleased to hear that I’d hit Brandon. “How’d you injure your arm?”
I hesitated to answer. I didn’t want to lie, but I didn’t want him to know the truth, either. “I was wearing socks and my feet slipped on the tile in the kitchen. I landed hard on my knees and elbow.” That was the truth. I’d just omitted a few details.
“Was that before or after you called Mac yesterday?”
