Page 31 of What Is Love
Before climbing into my bed, I grabbed my laptop to work on homework. I got through most of it before my thoughts kept drifting to the letter. Prue’s insistence increased my curiosity enough to ignore all the other feelings that made me reluctant to read it.
I got up and went over to my art desk. I had it hidden in a sketchbook because I needed my textbook for school. Once I retrieved it, I returned to sit on my bed. I ran my fingers over my name. My father had nice handwriting.
With a heavy exhale, I flipped the letter over and ripped it open.
My little Lottie,
If you’re reading this, I’m no longer with you and I passed before you reached adulthood. It’s strange to write this, because you’re with me in my office right now, coloring in front of the fireplace. You sure do love to draw. I may be biased, but I think you’re talented. I’m running out of wall space to hang any more of your beautiful art. I wonder if you still draw or have picked up another hobby that helps that creative mind of yours flourish. It tears me apart knowing that I won’t be there to see what a beautiful young woman you’ll become.
I want you to know that you were the greatest thing to come into my life and I love you more than anything. Please remember that as you continue to read this letter.
I’m sorry I’m not there. I’m sorry for all the milestones that I missed. Most of all, I’m sorry I’m not there to protect you from your mother. I’m sorry to speak ill of her, but I’m sure you will understand what I mean. I’ve caught how she speaks to you when she thinks no one is around and I’ve tried to put a stop to it. I’m worried that without me here, things will escalate. If I could, I’d take you and run away right now. But if I did that, I would lose you. She’d take you from me and I’d have no way to get you back.
I’m not your biological father, Lottie.
When your mother and I were dating, she was having an affair with another man, named Abraham Kane. I wasn’t sure at the time. I suspected and caught her in a few lies. I’d been planning to end the relationship. Then she’d told me she was pregnant with you. It changed everything. I had been so happy that I ignored the red flags and my suspicions of her. We got married right away and then you came into the world. You were the most beautiful little thing I had ever seen.
It seemed like we were a happy family for the first year of your life. At least, I was happy with you. Your mother had no problem handing you over to the nanny to raise and parading around our community like she was royalty—she certainly spent money like she was. I do work a lot, but every spare minute I’ve always dedicated to you.
When you were almost two, I got hurt bicycling and had some medical testing done. I found out that I was sterile and had been my whole life. I tried to let it go that you weren’t mine. Tried to tell myself that I love you and it didn’t matter, but I couldn’t and eventually hired an investigator. He came back with so much proof that I didn’t know who I had married.
I wanted to confront her, but I was afraid of the fallout. I didn’t want to lose you. So I kept my mouth shut.The unfortunate thing about problems is that even if you ignore them, they don’t go away. My resentment toward your mother grew. I kept quiet about what I knew about you, but I couldn’t keep quiet about the despicable things she continued to do all while living the life of luxury I’ve provided her. I couldn’t help but call her out on all her bullshit. I still can’t. It’s been going on for years and she hates me for it. She wishes me dead. I can see it in her eyes. When we first got married, she thought she could play the long game. Now that life isn’t so easy, she’s run out of patience.
I’m worried what she might do to me. I don’t have any proof. Maybe I really am paranoid, and this letter will be all for naught. Maybe I’ll find a way to divorce her and still be able to keep you in my life. I have all this money and it’s useless. My lawyer says I won’t be able to get full custody of you unless I have proof that she’s physically hurting you. So far, I haven’t see any indication that she has put her hands on you, and I pray every day that you don’t ever have to experience that.
I have evidence of her infidelity from even after our marriage began. Your mother signed a prenup and there’s an infidelity clause. I’d love nothing more than to leave her with nothing, but I know she will use you to get to me.
If I was a selfish man who didn’t love his daughter with another man’s eyes, I’d make the decision that got me out. Yet here I stay, planning behind the scenes to make sure my baby girl will be taken care of. I’m leaving it all to you. JJ will explain.
I don’t know how much time we will have. I pray that I’ll have many years with you and you will never receive this letter. If that’s not the case, know that I stayed for you, my little Lottie, and I don’t regret it.
Love,
Daddy
Chapter Eight
I didn’t sleepmuch that night. My mind raced after reading the letter from my father. Not only that, my last memories of him refused to leave me alone. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his last moments…the way he’d fallen.
I quickly shook my head as I walked into my school’s library.
Stop thinking about it.
Abraham Kane.
Abraham Kane.
Noah Kendry wasn’t my real father. Abraham Kane was. I’d been tempted to look him up on the internet. I hadn’t yet. What if he was a horrible person? With Mother’s track record, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was like Clay. What if he was a good man? Out of the two options, that would be the biggest disappointment. I knew it was messed up, but having a horrible man for a father was easier to accept because I wouldn’t have been any better off growing up.
So I’d decided to live not knowing for right now. I’d taken too many blows emotionally and physically; I needed a break orIwould break. And I was so fucking close. Which was why I was in the school library.
Mother was away. I loved having the house to myself. But school was another story. I was avoiding Brandon. I was sure Alicia and Evie didn’t want me sitting next to them, either. I didn’t know how to fix things with them, and I wasn’t sure if it was worth it.
The library was nearly empty, but a few students were sitting at the cluster of tables by the entrance. Not really wanting to be seen, I headed for the stacks toward the fiction side. As I walked, I searched for the romance section. At this point I was desperate to find inspiration. I’d lied to Ms. Clark yesterday. I still hadn’t any clue what to draw.
I passed the fantasy section, the horror section, the mystery section, and was almost all the way in the back when a voice stopped me. “Can I help you find something?”
I turned around as Lemon Caswell stepped out of a row I had just passed. She was my age, with long, straight, yellow-blonde hair and bright green eyes. Her father was a CEO for some company I didn’t know, and her mother had passed away when she was young. I’d overheard Alicia and Evie gossiping about her once. They had said that her father spent more time working in New York than at home. She was shy and spent all her time hidden away in the school’s library.
