Page 58 of Love Me
Being turned down in lingerie. That was what could happen. My stomach sank a little. If this did blow up in my face, I hoped it’d at least get him to talk to me. I knew this whole idea was far-fetched, but…
I straightened my shoulders. I needed to be confident.
What do I have to lose?I repeated that in my mind until I was standing outside the guys’ house in a black peacoat that covered me to my knees and black heels.
Go in the house, you coward.
I walked in, head held high. “It’s me.”
Knox was sitting at the dining room table with his back to me. He was so engrossed in doing something on his laptop that all he did was raise his hand slightly above his shoulder in acknowledgment.
I silently made my way over to him. “What are you up to?”
“Just finishing up this email,” he said as he typed away on the keys.
I came to stand next to him. “When you’re done, I need your opinion about my outfit.”
Nodding, he glanced in my direction for only a second. When his attention returned to the screen of his computer, his fingers paused over the keyboard. He looked fully at me, eyeing my coat and heels with a frown.
Like ripping off a Band-Aid, I unbuttoned my coat, revealing myself like a present, and let it drop to the floor.
I watched and felt his gaze glide down my body. It would have felt erotic if he hadn’t done it with a scowl. No desire or heat, but a scowl—anger.
I felt the intense urge to cover myself. But I didn’t want him to see me cower. I wanted him to see me as strong and confident. So I pushed past the rejection and embarrassment and dove into the constant, simmering pool of anger I had inside of me. I let myself sink into it and it surrounded me like armor. Putting my hands on my hips, I said, “You getting pissed off was the last thing I imagined happening when I found the nerve to come over here in nothing but red lingerie I bought to wear for you. Possible rejection or laughter, yes. But I never thought you’d look at me like that. Tell me, is it my body that offends you or is it that I’ve inconvenienced you with my attempt to seduce you?”
The scowl on his face disappeared instantly and was replaced with something that looked like guilt.
“Think quickly, Knox,” I said. “Think of a new lie to turn me away and avoid talking to me.”
“Why are you doing this?” was his response.
I was speechless as his words cut at my heart. He didn’t know? This wasn’t supposed to be like this. Couples were supposed to communicate. Couples weren’t supposed to lead each other on and then pull away. “Why are you with me, Knox?” I asked. “Clearly, you have some hang-ups you can’t get past when it comes to me.”
He had the audacity to look taken aback.
I stepped out of my heels. Why burden myself with the way they hurt my feet for someone who didn’t give a damn? “All I’ll ever be to you is that pathetic girl in her closet, won't I?”
He didn’t deny it, but I wanted the words. I wanted confirmation that I’d be nothing more than a sad, traumatized girl in his eyes who he had to tiptoe around or handle like cracked glass. I wanted a boyfriend who saw me as strong, knew that I wasn’t defined by what I’d gone through or how I’d almost let it destroy me. And it wasn’t that I needed him to see me as strong to feel strong myself. I was getting there on my own. But the lack of trust he had in me was making me regret I’d ever let him see me vulnerable at all.
“Say something,” I begged.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“What do you feel?!” I yelled.
His hands fisted so tightly his knuckles turned white. “I don’t know.”
I didn’t believe him.
Feeling defeated, I picked up my coat. As I put it on, I said, “When you're ready to talk to me, you know where to find me.” I scooped up my heels, and as I was about to storm out, I paused to say, “Until then, don’t touch me, don’t kiss me, don’t do anything that will lead me on. I’m so tired of you pulling away from me. I thought you would stop when we got together. Apparently, I was wrong.”
I stormed out after that, and as expected, he didn’t come after me.
* * *
I told the guys I wanted to be alone tonight. A tiny part of me regretted that decision as I lay in bed, waiting for sleep to take me. I shouldn’t push them away for what was going on with me and Knox. At the same time, I needed space to think.
Had I been wrong?
