Page 10 of Dark Duet: Platinum Edition
My father smiled and hugged me. The smell of the liquor on his breath would always be a comfort to me, “You will baby girl…just don’t be a whore.”
I squeezed my father, “I won’t!” I leaned back and looked in his drunken eyes, “But what’s a whore?”
My father laughed outright, “Ask your mother.”
I never did. I never told my mother about the things my father said, though she asked whenever he brought me home. Instinctually, I knew they would only fight if I did.
Two years later, on my ninth birthday I had my first period and cried pitifully for my mother to call a doctor. Instead, she burst into the bathroom and demanded to know what was wrong. I looked up at her, shame radiating throughout my body and whispered, “I’m a whore.”
I was thirteen before I saw my dad again. And by then I had a deep understanding of what a “whore” was.
My mother had been a “whore” for falling in love young and becoming pregnant with me…and my brother…and my sister…and my other sister…and my other brother…and well—the rest. I was destined to become one because of her. Whoredom, it seemed, was in my blood, my dirty blood.
My grandparents believed it; my aunt’s believed it, as did their husbands and their children. My mother had been the youngest of her siblings, and their opinion weighed heavily with her. So most importantly—shebelieved it. She mademebelieve it.
She dressed me in floor length dresses, forbade me make-up, earrings, or anything more exotic than a barrette for my hair. I could not play with my brothers or my male cousins. I could not sit on my father’s lap. All this was to keep my inner whore at bay.
By the time I was thirteen, I was fed up with my family’sPuta Manifesto. I rebelled at every opportunity. I borrowed shorts, skirts and t-shirts from my friends. I saved money from birthday cards and the occasional stipend my mother gave me for babysitting, while she went out to search for her next boyfriend, to buy tinted lip gloss and fingernail polish.
My mother was thrown into fits of pure rage whenever she found these things in my room.“Disgraciada!”she would yell while pitching my pilfered items at my head. I was a disgrace in her eyes. “Is this what you’re doing behind my back? Wearing this…this…nothing! Showing your tits and your legs like street trash!”
I always cry when I’m angry, overwhelmed by emotion, I can’t control my face leakage or my mouth, “Fuck you, Mom. Fuck you! You’re the whore, not me. I just…” I sobbed, “I just want to dress like other girls my age. I’m sick of paying for your mistakes. I didn’t do anything wrong.”
My mother’s eyes swam with tears and fury, “You know Livvie, you think you’re so much better than me,” she swallowed, “but you’re not. We’re more alike than you even know and…I’m telling you…act like a whore and you’ll get treated like one.”
I sobbed loudly as she gathered my things in a trash bag. “Those clothes belong to my friends!”
“Well, they’re not your friends anymore. You don’t need friends like that.”
“I hate you!”
“Hmm, well…I hate you too right now. All I’ve sacrificed…for a brat like you.”
***
I awoke, gasping and disoriented, the edges of the dream dissipating, but not the dread lingering inside me. The darkness was so complete, for a second, I thought I hadn’t woken from my nightmare. Then slowly, frame by frame, it all came back to me. And as each frame was cataloged and stored away in my mental library, a faint but growing concept took hold, that this nightmare was reality,myreality. I suddenly found myself longing for the dream. Any nightmare would be better than this. My heart sank to new depths, eyes burning in the darkness. I looked around dispassionately, noticing familiar objects, but none of them mine. As the haze cleared, ever more steadily into cold hard reality, I thought,I really have been kidnapped.It hit, hard, those words in neon, in my head. I looked around again, surrounded by strangeness. Unfamiliar space.I really am in some strange place.
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to cry for not seeing this coming. I wanted to cry for the uncertainty of my future. I wanted to cry for wanting to cry. I wanted to cry because I was most likely going to die before I got to experience life. But mostly, I wanted to cry for being so horribly, tragically, stupidly female.
I’d had so many fantasies about that day he’d helped me on the sidewalk. I’d felt like a princess who’d stumbled across a knight in shining armor. Jesus Christ, I’d even asked him for a ride! I had been so disappointed when he said no, and when he mentioned meeting another woman, my heart had sunken into my stomach. I cursed myself for not wearing something cuter. Shamefully, I had fantasized about his perfect hair, his enigmatic smile, and the exact shade of his eyes almost every day since.
I closed my eyes.
What an idiot I’d been, a damned foolish little girl.
Had I learned nothing from my mother’s mistakes? Apparently not. Somehow I’d still managed to go all retarded at the sight of some handsome asshole with a nice smile. And just like her, I’d gotten good and fucked by him, too. I’d let a man ruin my life. For some reason beyond my understanding, I hated my mother in that moment. It broke my heart even more.
I wiped angrily at the tears that threatened to escape my eyes. I had to focus on a way to get out of here, not on a way to feel sorry for myself.
The only light came from the dim glow coming off a nearby nightlight. The pain had subsided into an overall soreness, but my headache still raged. I was unbound, lying under the same thick comforter, covered from head to toe in a thin layer of sweat. I pushed the comforter away.
I expected to find my naked body under the comforter. Instead I found satin: a camisole and panties. I clutched frantically at the fabric. Who had dressed me? Dressing meant touching and touching could mean too many things. Caleb? Had he dressed me? The thought filled me with dread. And underneath that, something else entirely more horrible: unwelcome curiosity.
Fending off my conflicting emotions, I set about inspecting my body. I was sore all over, even my hair hurt, but between my legs I didn’t feel noticeably different. No soreness on the inside to suggest what I couldn’t bring myself to think might happen to me at some point. I was momentarily relieved, but one more look around my new prison and my relief evaporated. I had to get out of here. I slid out of bed.
The room appeared rundown, with yellowing wallpaper and thin, stained carpet. The bed, a huge wrought iron four-poster, was the only piece of furniture that appeared new. It hardly seemed like the kind of thing that belonged in a place like this. Not that I knew much about places like this. The linen on the bed smelled of fabric softener. It was the same kind I washed my family’s clothes in at home. My stomach clenched. I didn’t hate my mother, I loved her. I should have told her more often, even if she didn’t always tell me. Tears stung my eyes, but I couldn’t fall apart right now. I had to think of a way to escape.
