Page 210 of Dark Duet: Platinum Edition
“Just you.”
There was a long pause.
“Okay.”
I heard her undress before she slipped in behind me. She smelled like smoke. She hadn’t had a cigarette since the first night I’d come to her apartment. I didn’t say anything about it. She had her vises and I had mine. All that mattered to me was that Livvie was warm. And soft. Livvie was always warm and soft. She spoke softly in my ear.
“I’m scared too. You didn’t come to the door and I thought: He left me again. Caleb, you can’tdo thatto me.”
Livvie kissed my shoulder, but I could feel her vibrating with anger.
“You’re mad at me.”
“Yes,” she said. “But I guess… maybe I can’t blame you. In the grand scheme of things, it’s ridiculous to assume youwouldn’tbreak into my laptop. To use your words: I know who you are and I know what you do.” Livvie let out a short burst of laughter that quickly became a thoughtful sigh. “It must be hard on you, not having anyone to talk to about…him.I certainly don’t care he’s dead—he can rot in hell for all I care—but I never guessed how much you…” Livvie sighed and went silent.
“I don’t expect you to care. I don’t regret what I did. I just wanted you to know why I couldn’t let you come with me. To be honest, I don’t regret leaving you behind.”
She tensed.
“Sorry you came back?”
I turned and pulled her into my arms. It wasn’t her place to comfort me.
“No. I could never regret any amount of time with you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened in my life. I just wish I could… be that for you.” Her silence was nearly deafening. It was a confirmation.
“I… fuck. I’m so goddamn angry, Caleb. I don’t know how to process everything sometimes. There’s so much living inside me.That’swhat the writing is for, it helps me lay shit out and filter through my thoughts.” She propped herself up on her elbow and met my eyes. Her expression was pained. “Youarethe best thing that’s ever happened to me, Caleb. You’re also the worst. I’m trying to reconcile those two things. Help me?”
“How am I supposed to help you?” I asked.
“Tell me your side of things. I want to hear the good and the bad. I have so many questions, so many moments in my life where I only know half the information. You read my side of it. I want your side. Help me understand how I managed to…” Her eyes finished her sentence:fall in love with you.“Help me explain it to the rest of the world.”
Her words left me reeling. I didn’t want the world to know.Ididn’t want to know. In fact, I’d been doing everything within my power to make us both forget where we started. How was this supposed to help?
“It’s not for the rest of the world to know, Livvie. I don’t understand.”
“You wouldn’t, but I do. I wouldn’t betray your trust. I’d tell it the way it’s meant to be told. I’d make them see that some stories aren’t black and white. I’d make them feelthis, us.And then I’d feel better. I wouldn’t feel like you got one over on me. I’d feel right about everything between us and I’d defend it. I’ll always defend it.”
What justification did I have against that? I had what I wanted: assurance that Livvie had no desire to leave me. I’d even managed to sidestep the argument over having broken into her laptop. Most importantly, she’d given me a glimpse of the love she’d once professed to have for me. I was determined to nurture that emotion.
“What do you want to know? For example?” I edged. She leaned toward me and placed a soft kiss on my mouth.
“I hate seeing you like this. If anyone is going to fuck up your face, it should be me.” She smiled.
“Think you could take me?” I worked hard not to grin so I wouldn’t split my lip open again.
“I think you’d let me.”
“Well, you’ve got me there. I don’t think anyone has ever slapped me so many times and walked away without having to look over their shoulder forever.” I let my fingers caress her face. I’d slapped her once. “I felt horrible… that one time. I’ll never—”
“I know,” she interrupted. “I’m sorry I asked about the… you know. I know you’re trying to be different and you’ve changed so much. That wasn’t fair.”
“You had a right to ask. I’m trying to change, but it doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with who I used to be. I’ve had blood on my hands.” I silently reflected on my year away from Livvie.
“You’re different now,” Livvie said softly.
I saw the faces of the women I’d once enslaved and then set free. I thought about the ones I’d been too late to save. They would haunt me forever and it was scarcely penance enough. Yet, fate had brought me to Livvie .
“I don’t know that I’m all that different. I’ll never stop looking over my shoulder—or yours. I think part of me will always be someone’s loyal disciple. It’s who I am.” I stroked Livvie’s hair. “I’d kill for you, Livvie. I’d die for you.”
