Page 105 of My Cosplay Escape
I suck in hard. I peel off my goggles and hood and rough up my blond hair. It’s me. I’m right here. I’m sorry. I think I love you. Tell me more about this overdue apology. “Hi,” is all I manage to say.
Adam’s shoulders sag. I want to attribute it to relief, but it could easily be exasperation. Or despair. “Hi,” he says. He takes a step closer.
My eyes dart from the pile of textbooks on his kitchen table to the jade throw over the arm of his couch. “I don’t think I should keep working for someone… I have feelings for.” I press my lips together. “And I’m sorry for lying to you.”
“That’s it?” Adam asks. He’s closer still.
He’s close enough to either strangle me or kiss me. I can’t even look at him, but I note the clean grout of his tile floor. “I’mreallysorry for lying to you.”
“Why?” His words are almost a whisper.
Why? It’s my favorite question. Why did I marry my ex? Why did I have to lose my baby? Why would anyone love me? Why would anyone want me? “I was a loser. A nobody with a sad little life. But you offered me a chance to escape. When I was your Catstrike, I got to be sexy and confident. That’s why.” I close my eyes. “And because you asked me.” I press a gloved hand to my forehead. “I’m a nerd who loves cosplay,” I say, peeling off my gloves. “And when I wear the costume, you don’t look at me like I’m a sad, pathetic, little failure.”
“I’ve never looked at you that way.”
I can feel his breath on my neck. I can almost hear his heart beating. “Um… No, you haven’t. What I should have said was… When I’m cosplaying,Idon’t feel like a sad, pathetic, little failure. I borrow my character’s confidence and tell myself that the heart eyes and flirting are all part of the cosplay and don’t count. But I got carried away. I let myself get more carried away the more I got to know you.”
Adam opens his mouth like he’s about to say something that can’t be unsaid. I can’t chance that.
“It would have made sense to tell you it was me, right? But I couldn’t lose you. What if you were disappointed? What if I couldn’t live up to…” My eyes find his. “To your fantasy?”
“My fantasy?” Adam looks almost amused, or he is just very practiced at enabling crazy-pants like me.
The campus therapist was wrong, completely full-of-Shirley-Temples wrong. I’m certifiable, and I know it. It’s the only explanation for what happens next. “Why’d it take you so long to find a Catstrike?” I ask, and I know my confidence exists outside of cosplay because I’m doing Mom’s power stance in Adam’s kitchen, demanding answers. “Why the obsessive search?”
Adam swallows. “I wanted someone who could do justice to my favorite character.”
“Catstrike is your favorite character.”
Adam sighs. From a lesser man, the exasperated gust of frustration would be accompanied by an eye roll. “Obviously.”
“And waiting for me in the alley after Customer Cosplay Night?”
Adam’s eyes narrow. “You knew it was me?”
“No.” I tilt my chin up. I want him to feel what I say next. “But I hoped it was you.”
Adam sets his jaw. “Why are you telling me this now?”
“I wanted to tell you at homecoming when I was in a pretty dress and irresistible, but that wouldn’t be fair. Or even possible. Do you know how complicated getting in and out of my cosplay is? And finding a dress that is floor-length, long-sleeved and turtle-necked to cover it—” I’m rambling. I take a centering breath. “I couldn’t bear thinking I am in the same boat as Allison for another night.” I lean against his kitchen counter. “I didn’t kiss you at the tide pools because I didn’t want to lose you. I knew you’d either kiss me and find out I was your Catstrike all along—which clearly you didn’t want to be true, because you could have put it together. I mean, hello, I’m the same person—or you’d kiss me and not realize that you’d kissed me before. And… maybe that would be worse because it would mean one of our kisses was forgettable.” The adrenaline has left my body, and I feel weak. And scared. “I know your last big relationship was untenable because…” I close my eyes and say it. “Because someone was a liar, liar, pants on fire. And you’re too great a guy to have to repeat that history.” Oh no. Tears burn in my eyes. I swore I wasn’t going to cry and make this weirder than it already is. “It’s been me the whole time. Just me. I’m not your superhero fantasy. I’m a dork who lives with her mom, has a loser past plus sob story, and was too scared to kiss her crush in real life.”
Adam leans against the counter next to me, his arms folded across his chest. “I knew it was you.”
I breathe out, and I swear my heart is rattling inside me. I feel all empty and deflated. “You knew it was me?”
“There are only so many women who swear by taking a goldfish’s name in vain.”
“Fudge brownies,” I mutter.
Adam chuckles. “And the baked goods. What’s the other one?”
“Shirley Temples.”
“Shirley.” Adam laughs. “Shirley Temples.”
I open my mouth. My head is spinning. I don’t know if I feel elated or completely defeated. “How long have you known?”
“I’ve known since the first day of Econ 101. You wear a mask, not a paper bag over your head. Don’t you remember? I sat right next to you and tried desperately to play it cool. Which wasn’t easy, because I’d barely slept since I’d seen you last, and, um… I was trying hard not to blush or get caught staring at you.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Between class Wednesday and Friday lab, I wavered. I mean, I could have just been manifesting fantasies into existence. I showed up early—not just on time, but early—to lab hours because I needed to know. And yeah, there was no walking anything back after that.”
