Page 102 of All We Want for Christmas
He studied her hand for a moment, then held it tightly between his two warm ones. ‘I’m a lost cause! I’ve let you down and messed you around because I felt overwhelmed by the stuff that was happening to me, but the accident … call it a cliché, but it has focused my mind on what I really want. Imogen calling tonight – Molly setting us up. That’s crystallised what I want from life. Now I want to know what’s holding you back from committing to me. I want to know everything about you, Lara Mayhew.’
‘Everything?’ She was glad he was holding her hand, because she wasn’t sure she could stop herself from shaking otherwise.
‘All of it.’
Telling Flynn everything would mean confessing her deepest fears and desires and risk scaring him away. Yet without doing that, there could be no future for them. She’d already thought there was no hope for them, so what had she got to lose?
‘OK. You asked for it.’ She paused for a breath and laid her heart on the line. ‘I wanted a family with Rob. I thought he did too. He talked about it from time to time, about watching the kids run around the hall, climb the trees in the orchard, and how they’d take over the reins, as he put it. He talked about it when we were in bed, when we were alone together – more than a few times. I was naïve. I assumed he meantourchildren, when all along he’d only meanthischildren.’
‘Go on …’ He squeezed her hand when she faltered.
‘And then – and I swear it was a complete accident – I realised I was pregnant.’ She ploughed on, determined not to shed another tear for a man who had never deserved a single one. ‘And I never got a chance to tell him before he broke it off and then – then—’ Her throat was thick with a sob. ‘I had a miscarriage, so he never knew.’
Flynn recoiled in shock before pulling her into his arms. ‘Oh, Lara, Lara. I am so sorry for what you’ve gone through. None of what happened to you is your fault.’ He looked into her eyes, his own full of empathy and passion. ‘This isn’t on you. It’s all onhim. A coward, a total bastard who will never face up to his responsibilities. God help his wife.’
‘Yeah, though that doesn’t make me happy. I feel sorry for her.’ Through her tears, she managed a smile at his intense expression, so full of pain and anger on her behalf.
‘You should have told me this before …’ he said, gently lifting a strand of hair away from her tear-stained face
‘No, I couldn’t,’ she said. ‘I couldn’t because it was way too soon at first and then, once we grew closer, your life changed. How could I tell you that I’d hoped for and lost a chance at a family when you’d found yours? There was no way I wanted to be bitter or needy – and most of all, there was no way I was going to spoil the joy you have. Even if it doesn’t feel like joy all the time.’
His expression held such an intense, heart-melting tenderness that her breath caught in her throat. ‘I need you to know something. I wasnevergoing to get back with Imogen. You must have known that.’
‘Maybe, but, again, I wasn’t going to crash in if there was the slightest chance. I wouldn’t ruin your chances and I certainly wasn’t going to threaten Molly’s plans, however misguided. She’s a lovely girl who only wants what she thinks she’s missed: her mum and dad together at last. She wants the fantasy of a perfect ending with a perfect family set-up that we both know almost never exists.’
‘No, it doesn’t. I realise that now. I pushed you away, thinking you couldn’t deal with it – that you shouldn’t have to. That you’d be better off without me than taking me with all this baggage.’ He reached up and pressed his fingers to her cheek. ‘Esme and Molly will always be part of my life. I thought that was too much of a burden for you – for anyone – to take on, especially as I knew your other workplace relationship had ended in disaster. I didn’t realise quite how much he’d hurt you or why. And until the pastfew days, I wasn’t ready to accept how much pain I was causing by pushing you away.’
‘It’s OK. I understood.’
‘You shouldn’t have had to. I should have let you in …’
‘You needed that space to process everything and I wanted to help. I was ready to help, and I want to, but only if you let me in and if you’re truly ready, Flynn.’
‘I am so ready for this, so let this be a new beginning for us. Thetwoof us.’
She leaned in and kissed him. Any pain from his fall seemed to have melted away because he pulled her against his body, pressing molten kisses on her mouth and neck. There was a fresh intensity to their kisses, a sense of release and seizing the moment.
‘Lara. Lara …’ He kept saying her name as if she might vanish if he didn’t. ‘I want to give you the fairy tale, the happy ever after. I want to do all the romantic stuff people do when they get together, and have masses of hot sex – and I can’t even do that.’
Lara raised her eyebrows. ‘I thought it was only your knee that was broken?’
She gasped in delight as he pulled her on top of him. ‘There’s only one way to find out.’
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
Flynn thought it fortunate that the delivery rider had been running late. He arrived as Lara was getting dressed in Flynn’s bedroom and as Flynn himself had just put his T-shirt back on. They’d eaten the Greek meal by candlelight and retired early to bed, listening to the chimes from the tower clock and distant fireworks and rowdy choruses of Auld Lang Syne. All from the comfort of Flynn’s divan.
Lara insisted she hadn’t minded missing the party, and there had been enough fireworks in the bedroom to rival the ones that would have been lighting up the London sky by that point. Nothing could dampen the joy, the celebration, and the hope for the future in his heart – and in hers, if he’d read the signals right.
‘Will people notice you weren’t at the party?’ he asked.
‘Yes, but not until tomorrow – well, later today – after everyone has finally surfaced. I could say I got an early night,’ she said, trailing her fingers over Flynn’s bare thigh.
‘Or you could be honest. You could say you spent a night with a handsome Harley rider who had to be very inventive given his damaged knee …’
‘I could …’ Lara’s fingers rested at the very top of Flynn’sthigh, creating a kick of desire that was almost impossible not to act on. ‘But if we’re truly being honest,’ she went on. ‘I ought to tell everyone the truth.’
On New Year’s Day, Flynn insisted on making bacon sandwiches despite having to hold on to every available surface and swearing as he fried the bacon.
