Page 54 of All We Want for Christmas
‘Sorry,’ Flynn said, as his eardrums throbbed.
‘You keep saying that. What are you sorry for? That I found you? That you made a mistake that night in Buttermere?’
Esme settled down to pulling his hair, which gave Flynn the chance to utter a few comic ‘ouch’es and scrunch up his face before he answered. ‘I actually meant sorry for making Esme cry, but I don’t feel I made a mistake. I’m sorry I didn’t know about you. Sorry that your mum didn’t feel able to tell me. Sorry for all the things I’ve missed.’ He tried not to sound bitter, because he honestly didn’t know how he felt about missing his own daughter’s entire childhood. He’d lain awake wondering how his life would have been, trying to decide if he felt angry or cheated – it was all so new that he didn’t know what to feel.
‘I’m sorry too. That Mum didn’t want you to be part of my life. At first, when I was born, she said it was because she couldn’t track you down, but I think she could have. We both could have.’
Flynn was too choked with emotion to reply.
Esme wriggled and Molly said, ‘I really must take her home now or she will be a nightmare all the way back in the car. She’s already over-excited by all the Christmas disruption.’
‘Christmas?’
Molly took Esme from him and laughed. ‘Yeah, it’s happening in two weeks’ time. Less. I’d have thought you’d have noticed, running a Christmas Spectacular?’
‘I – of course. I get so caught up in the work aspect, I forget that it’s a real event, if you know what I mean. It must be exciting – Esme’s first Christmas.’
‘It is, though more for me and Nan. Mum’s really sad she can’t be there but can’t wait to call her. But she has been out a lot more. Playgroup Christmas party, shopping with Nan, and now you, of course. Her routine’s all over the place but I don’t mind.’
Tell me about it, thought Flynn. His routine had been blown to smithereens, along with his life.
Molly put Esme back in the buggy and said she’d send off for a DNA test kit that evening. She knew the process. It was obvious she’d given it careful thought. Flynn agreed, even though he knew what the outcome would be.
He offered to walk her to her car in the visitors’ car park but she said no, so he watched her walk across the courtyard pushing the buggy. The castle walls were washed with white and violet, and the buzz of excited families filled the night air. It would soon be Christmas and he had a family. He wasn’t just responsible for himself. He wasn’t free and single and surely no one who was a grandparent could describe themselves as young, even at thirty-nine.
He watched Molly strap Esme into her buggy and tuck a blanket around her.
After Molly left, Flynn closed the door and stood in the sitting room, unable to move. Then, he sat on the sofa, put his head in hands, and wept.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
‘Phew. That was intense. I wasn’t sure how’d I cope with those new moves at the end. After two kids, it’s all turning a bit dodgy down below.’ Jazz collapsed into giggles, setting Lara off. ‘Sorry, too much information.’
Lara swigged from her water flask in the local village hall after their Zumba class. ‘I must admit that I thought I was going to have to ask for oxygen at one point. It was all so fast.’
‘I thought I was going to pass out by the end.’
The upbeat music of her Zumba classes always cheered her up. Lara had enrolled through the autumn months to give her something to brighten the dark nights and as a total contrast to her work at the castle. Jazz, meanwhile, had carved out a precious night away from childcare duties that didn’t involve ‘stuffing my face with a sharing bag of crisps and a giant glass of wine’.
Who cared that the music for this final week of the ‘term’ was Christmas classics? At least Lara didn’t hear Mariah Carey blasting out at Ravendale.
She even felt a little more optimistic about the chalice, although she wasn’t going to tell the Penhaligons about it just yet. And the ticket sales were beyond everyone’sexpectations, driven by word of mouth on social media as well as some cold but dry spells of weather.
En route to the ladies’ cloakroom to pick up their sports bags, Jazz asked, ‘Shall we go to the pub on the way back?’
‘Do you have time?’
‘I can spare half an hour and itismy night off. Luke is in charge. Anyway, I want to leave it long enough to give him an outside chance of getting the kids to bed. They were totally hyper after the school Christmas mini disco. In fact, they’ve been in a permanent state of over-excitement since the middle of November.’
‘No wonder. How many times have they been to the Spectacular?’
‘Three so far, and Oscar says he wants to go every night once school finishes. I’ve tried to tell him that Mummy spends all day there anyway but he’s adamant.’
Lara could imagine Jazz’s two lively little ones, aged five and seven, badgering her day and night. They were lovely kids, hyper and exhausting but also sweet-natured and funny. Not for the first time, she imagined how her own child or children might be if she’d had some. Would they be lively and sporty? Geeky and quiet? Redheads like herself? Blond as Rob was … her heart squeezed with the echo of loss and her jaw ached with the effort of maintaining a smiling face to hide her pain.
‘Wouldn’t be without ’em, though, and I know these days will fly by soon enough. Oscar is already asking some awkward questions about Santa and why he was living in the Ice House at the castle but we’ve fended them off so far.’
‘Oh, I hope you get a couple more years of magic yet.’
