Page 65 of Moving to Love
She stood up. “You go tell him that, Connor. He has no right to ask this of us. He has no right to try and use his final days to disturb our lives to ease his guilt.”
Joci started to walk outside when she heard Connor say, “You’ll regret this, Joci. I know you. You’re the one always saying to step up and be the better person. If you let him die without seeing you, you’ll always wonder if you should have given him the chance to apologize.”
Joci spun around to yell at Connor, but Gunnar punched him in the face first. Connor flew back and fell off his chair. Gunnar went to lunge at him again when Jeremiah stepped in and grabbed him.
“Son, it isn’t Connor’s fault that Keith is a coward. If you hurt him, you’ll feel bad about it. Let’s just let it go. Please.”
Gunnar looked at Jeremiah for a few beats, then nodded his head. He walked out past Joci and into the backyard. She followed him out, not wanting him riding his bike when he was pissed. She caught up to him and asked him to sit with her on the swing she’d brought from her house. She used to swing with Gunnar in the evening while they read books. Later, when Gunnar was older, they would sit in the swing most evenings and talk about what had happened during the day. Gunnar would tell Joci about school, and Joci would tell Gunnar about her latest project at work.
She started to move the swing back and forth—slowly—to help calm them both down. Neither said anything for a long time. They just let the soft, calming motion soothe them as they collected their thoughts.
Finally, Gunnar took in a shaky breath. “I’m sorry, Mom. I don’t want to see him. Are you mad at me?”
Joci pulled Gunnar to her for a hug. He rested his head on her shoulder like he used to as a kid, though now he had to hunch over to do it, and she rubbed his back.
“I’m not mad at you, baby. I don’t want to see him either. I can’t even process what’s going on.” After a short silence, she said, “I had no idea you loved Jeremiah like a father. You’ve never said.”
Gunnar smiled. “Didn’t you wonder why I always tried to get you to go out with him? There was something about him right away. I was drawn to him in a way I couldn’t explain. He’s been so patient and kind to me. Always teaching me things, just like his boys. Never yells, just corrects and explains, and we move on. Just like I always dreamed my father would be.
“Mom, when you finally started dating him, I was so fucking happy. I thought I would finally get my family. I don’t mean to make you feel bad, but I always wanted a dad. You’re a great mom, and Uncle David has been great over the years. But I wanted a dad. My dad and not Keith. A dad who loves me.”
Joci had no idea. Tears slid down her face and into Gunnar’s hair. She didn’t care; she let them flow. What a weekend. Never had she been on such a roller coaster ride. And as the universe has its way of putting things in your way to change your direction, here was another one. She loved Jeremiah, and she’d do what it took to work this thing out with Deborah. If the baby was his, Joci would find a way to be a good parent to it. Though she hoped Jeremiah was right, and it wasn’t his.
They sat and swung for quite a while, each lost in thought.
Gunnar raised his head and looked into her eyes. “Are you and Dog okay?”
Her lips turned down. She looked away from the hopeful look in Gunnar’s eyes and stared at the bright pink polish on her toenails. “It will be. Last night was quite a shock, and more than anything, I’m pissed that he’s been hiding it from me. It doesn’t help me to trust him.”
Gunnar sighed. “I know. But you’ll be able to. Right?”
Joci lightly pushed his shoulder and chuckled. “Yeah. You better not be ganging up on me, though.”
Gunnar laughed. “Nah. I won’t do that.”
She nodded, then a tall figure cast a shadow on them where the sun had just been shining.
“May I join you?”
Joci and Gunnar both looked up into Jeremiah’s beautiful face. She smiled and scooted over to make room for him. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and rested his hand on Gunnar’s.
“I take it Connor left,” Joci said.
“Yes, quite a while ago. I cleaned up the table and wanted to give you two some time to talk. But I was spying on you. I sat at the table and watched you two sit and swing out here for a long time. I got jealous and decided to come and join you.”
He looked at her so lovingly her heart melted. She leaned up and kissed him. “You’re always welcome to join us. You should never feel like you can’t.” It had been the first time since last night. She saw his eyes grow moist, the edges red and knew he realized it too.
Gunnar nodded. “Agreed.” He looked around Joci. “Is Connor okay?”
“Well, he has a sore jaw, but nothing’s broken. He feels bad. He said you had a point, Joci, about his doing Keith’s dirty work. He had never looked at it that way. He wanted me to tell you both he’s sorry he came here to ask you to see Keith.”
They sat quietly for a while.
Jeremiah said. “My mom called and wanted to know if we would like to go to Pamperin Park for a barbecue this afternoon. How do you guys feel about that?”
“Nothing I would like more than to be with my family,” Gunnar said. Jeremiah smiled and nodded at him. He squeezed Joci’s shoulders.
“You good with that?”
