Page 17 of Everything We Thought Was True
“I know. I’m trying. I really am. But it’s difficult. Frank is hardly ever home these days. I try to make a healthy dinner, but when he doesn’t come home, I eat more and more.”
Teresa bit her lip. The sound of the waves lapped in the background.Should I tell her more?She knew she could trust Ronnie. She just wasn’t sure she wanted to give voice to her fears. But if she was going to confide in anyone, it would be Ronnie. Besides being cousins, they’d been close friends since they were young girls. They’d attended Catholic school together and were bridesmaids in each other’s weddings. Ronnie had been there for Teresa when her father, Sergio, died, and Teresa had been there for Ronnie when her marriage had fallen apart.
She couldn’t believe she was going to admit this to Ronnie, given her cousin’s rocky marital history, but she had to tell someone. “I’m actually scared Frank may be straying.”
Ronnie sat bolt upright in her beach chair and dropped her reflector in her lap. “What? Are you serious? No. That bastard. What makes you think that?”
“He’s often going out after work. A few times a week. And even on weekends, he wants to go down to the boat club, and he stays for hours. I’m worried maybe there’s a woman there that he’s having an affair with.” Teresa nervously wrung her hands together in her lap.
“Maybe he’s really just out on that boat. You said he’s always working on it. I sure hope he’s not with another woman there.”
“What were the signs—you know, with Charlie?” Teresa asked sheepishly, not sure she wanted to know the answer.
“Oh, the usual. Coming home late from work, not paying enough attention to me, not having as much sex, sneaking in late into the evening, always making excuses to be away from home.”
Teresa felt her body stiffen. Ronnie was describing exactly what was going on with Frank.Stay calm. This doesn’t mean he’s actually cheating. All of this could be a coincidence.
“And then the lying started. Looking back now, it was so obvious. I don’t know how I missed it. People who lie overcompensate, you know? He started making up shit.” Ronnie looked out onto the water as if she were watching a scene unfolding and said with disgust, “Telltale signs of a cheater.”
Teresa glanced at the foam left on the sand from the last wave that had washed up on the beach. Her head was swimming with thoughts.Oh my God. Is my weight driving Frank away?She didn’t think that had anything to do with Frank’s behavior. He’d given no indication that her full-size figure mattered to him or made comments about her weight gain. But Teresa wondered if perhaps deep down, it bothered him.
She looked over at Ronnie again and gathered her nerve. “Do you think my getting heavy could make him stray?” Teresa hated asking this.
“I don’t know. I hope not, but men are so strange.” Ronnie shook her head. “But even more reason to lose the weight, sweetie. Take it from me. Hell, I’m skinny, and Charlie cheated on me and left me. But I’m not comparing Frank to Charlie. My husband was a loser. Left me for one of my friends, and now I’m alone with three friggin’ kids. Well, you know the story,” she said, lifting her hand and swatting it through the air.
Teresa knew the story. So did everyone else in their extended family, at Shore Beach, and probably in all New Rochelle. Not that Teresa blamed Ronnie. Charliewasa loser. Teresa’s heart broke for Ronnie and those kids. It did. But Ronnie’s grief andloss had hardened her in a way Teresa found even more tragic, in the long run, than Charlie’s leaving. It was like Ronnie lost not only her husband but also her optimism and hope. Yes, Ronnie still had her figure, but inside, she seemed broken. Teresa prayed that would never happen to her. She would rather be fat and hopeful than bitter. Of course, what Teresa really wanted was to be happy. And to be happy, she needed to stay hopeful that her marriage wasn’t falling apart and she and Frank could find their way back to each other.
On the way home from the beach, Teresa glanced in the rearview mirror at her babies, blissfully napping in the back seat, spent from a day at the beach. With the volume low, she turned on the radio, and Frank Sinatra’s “Ebb Tide” filled the car. It hit her straight in the heart, that song she loved so much, the one she and Frank had chosen as their wedding song. Images flooded her memory—Frank and her dancing, his eyes shining as he held her in his arms. The music, Sinatra’s soothing voice, the images of Frank. They brought a wave of profound loneliness. She grabbed the steering wheel, biting her lip to not let out a cry.
The song reminded her of a time when they’d been so happy that the world felt like it belonged to them and everyone else just happened to be living in it. As a wedding favor, they gave guests candy-coated almonds in a little linen pouch with Frank and Teresa’s initials on it, in keeping with the Italian tradition that life ahead would be both bitter and sweet. Little had she known how fitting that gesture would be and how much it would describe her marriage and life with Frank.
Chapter Nine
FRANK - NEW ROCHELLE, NY
1973
Frank got out of his car and detected Henry’s cologne on his skin, musky and spicy. He worried Teresa would detect it. He climbed the three flights of stairs, opened the front door to the apartment, and stood in the kitchen doorway but didn’t step inside. The kids sat at the kitchen table, boosted on phone books, while Teresa washed dishes at the sink.
“Well, hello. Look who’s home,” Teresa said.
Lena registered his presence and jumped up from her seat to greet him. Anthony joined her, squealing, “Daddy!” They threw their arms around his legs, and he bent down to hug them.
“Hey, you two.” Frank smiled and kissed Lena on the head. “How’s my little Cricket?” She was obsessed with the character of Jiminy Cricket in the children’s moviePinocchio. “And what about you, kiddo?” He tousled Anthony’s mop of hair, his heart swelling.
But he remained rooted to the spot. He didn’t go over to kiss Teresa because he was nervous about the lingering scent of his infidelity, which was making him feel both guilty and aroused. Thank goodness he’d popped a mint into his mouth on the way home. It had become Frank’s habit to carry mints to freshen up. He mostly did it to prepare himself to see Henry. But now he realized it also hadthe opposite effect—to help mask any lingering taste of Henry on his lips and tongue.
“Did you all have a good day?” he asked.
“Yes, we did. And how about you? How was that work event?” Teresa asked. “I bet it felt good to get out of the dealership for the afternoon.”
“Yeah, it was a nice change of pace. Good not to be stuck behind the parts counter all day, you know?”
Frank tried to sound as casual as he could muster. He hated how easily the lie fell out of his mouth. There hadn’t been any work event that afternoon. He’d made up a fake regional meeting in Queens but had really met up with Henry at a motel, where they’d made love. He’d never taken time off work to meet up with Henry before. It felt risky, yet here he was, getting away with it.
Over the last few years, Frank had kept up this charade, sneaking time with Henry when he could manage it after work and on weekends. He told Teresa he was working late at the car dealership or had to go to Drifters to meet with the owner, Jim, or one of the boat owners, or was going out on his boat. All lies. Frank couldn’t bring himself to tell Teresa the truth, afraid that she would see him as he’d always seen himself—an outcast reciting his lines and trying to pass. An impostor. If he told her, he was petrified he would lose everything—his marriage, his kids, his whole life as he knew it. But he suspected he was fighting a losing battle. No matter how many times he’d told Henry they couldn’t keep seeing each other and he couldn’t keep up this farce, he found himself unable to stop. Frank knew about the terrible things happening to the gay community, like raids, fires, arrests, and violent attacks, even killings. He should lie low for his marriage’s sake—and for his safety. But the affair was like a vortex pulling him back, and he felt powerless to resist. He was so attracted to Henry, to being witha man, and to finally giving in to what he’d known all along was his true nature. It was a powerful, but dangerous, elixir.
“After we eat, I thought we’d take the kids to the park since it’s still light out. Maybe stop at Carvel for ice cream,” Teresa said.
