Page 72 of Everything We Thought Was True
You are my life.
I know.
Please go on loving me after I’m gone.
I will.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Chapter Forty-Two
TERESA - JOHNSTON, NY
2009
Teresa gazed out the window at the golden leaves on the beautiful maple tree in the front yard. Autumn had always been her favorite time of year. She loved to watch the trees display their change of colors throughout the season before dropping their leaves altogether for the winter. She couldn’t believe a year had passed since her diagnosis. She’d watched the leaves fall then blinked, and here they were, dying off again.
She thought back to this time last year, when she’d been sitting in a state of shock in the waiting room of an oncologist’s office, seeking a second opinion. Lena, by her side, was sipping a cup of coffee from the vending machine. They were alone for a few minutes while Larry and Anthony parked the car.
Lena grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “Are you afraid?” she asked sheepishly.
“Of dying? Yes, of course. But I’m more afraid of suffering while I’m still living—of what’s coming and how bad it might be. I don’t want to be in pain,” Teresa admitted.
“We won’t let that happen. We’ll talk to your doctors about pain management and make sure they have a plan in place. I can’t change your diagnosis, but I’ll be with you every step of the way and make sure that you get the best treatment possible,” Lena assured her. “Let’ssit down after this first appointment and have lunch nearby. We can come up with a treatment plan. I can do some advance research, and we can set up appointments for later this week.”
Lena had that determined look on her face that Teresa recognized. She’d seen it in her daughter’s eyes many times over the years. Lena always loved a project she could sink her teeth into. Part of the reason she was successful wasn’t just that she was a talented lawyer, with the smarts to back it up, but also because she was a doer—she got shit done.
Teresa’s illness had become Lena’s project over the last twelve months. Teresa was grateful for this daughter of hers who took matters into her own hands. Larry was there, literally holding Teresa’s hand every step of the way, and she loved him for it. But Lena did the hard work of research and phone calls, had the tough conversations with the doctors, took notes, asked questions, and was the advocate Teresa needed and didn’t have the mental strength to take on herself.
But Teresa was dying. And although she didn’t want Lena to give up on her, she needed Lena to know that she couldn’t save her. It was so typical of Lena to think she could somehow change the course of Teresa’s terminal illness—that with sheer force of will, she could make anything happen, including miracles. She never gave up. She was so strong-willed. Teresa loved her daughter’s tenacity. Even so, no amount of getting shit done could change this terminal diagnosis.
Teresa glanced back at the brightly colored leaves out her bedroom window. Larry had left for work, and Lena was at the pharmacy, picking up Teresa’s latest prescriptions and doing a quick food shopping on the way back to the house. Teresa was alone, except for her beloved dog, Allie, who was curled up against her in bed. She stared down at the journal she’d been keeping during the long, grueling months of chemo and radiation. She’d wanted to write a long passage while she had the apartment to herself, but it exhausted her just thinking about putting so manywords on paper. She realized she’d only written one brief paragraph. It stared up at her:It’s been a good life. I wish it were longer. I thought I’d have more time. There are things I still want to do. I would have liked to dance more. I never got to see the Grand Canyon. But I’ve loved every minute I’ve had.
The love she felt here in this life was so strong that she had to believe she would get to take it somewhere or carry it forward. Yet she also had doubts. Teresa wondered if there was, in fact, no afterlife at all. Maybe when a person died, they just ceased to exist. Maybe they didn’t even know they were dead. Like eternally sleeping. She shivered. What a sad thought. So final. But even the thought that there might be nothing ahead didn’t diminish life itself. It almost raised the present to divine status. Like life was the heaven. If that were true, it didn’t matter where she was going or what would happen to her soul after she died.
Maybe God was life itself. The feel of her mother’s soft skin against her when she was a little girl, the cries of her babies when they were born, Anthony’s crooked smile and look of awe when he learned something new, Lena’s deep concentration when she was reading a book, the love and admiration in Larry’s eyes... the laughter, the tears, the sound of the rain hitting the ground, the flowers growing in the yard, a fresh fig right off the tree. Maybe that was the divine, not some afterlife that no one had ever debriefed. God was in every one of those moments. Why did this life have to be merely a stepping stone for the next one? Teresa felt like she’d been seeing the face of God for sixty years in the faces of everyone she loved. In nature, music, and art. Why couldn’t it be that her entire existence had been an exercise in the divine?
If someone could hear her thoughts, they would think she was being blasphemous. Yet it wasn’t disbelief coursing through her. Far from it. It was the utter belief that the Holy Spirit had touched her while she was here on earth. She didn’t need to be certain that there was a heaven to feel she’d glimpsed the divine. The Catholic churchhad taught her to look ahead constantly at what was waiting after death. She didn’t want to look ahead. She wanted to look back at her life and seek out God’s touch while she was here. Blasphemous would be having missed God the entire time she was alive because she didn’t trust that he’d show up for her until the afterlife.
Teresa knew that loss, hurt, and pain were an integral part of life. She’d experienced them enough in her lifetime to know this with absolute certainty. She thought back to her early years with Frank. She’d loved him. Then she’d gotten used to him, and he became her family. Then she was suspicious of him and became disappointed in him. And then, after all the betrayal, the separation, and the divorce, she hated him. But eventually, she’d forgiven him, and the love glowed again, reminding her it had always been there, deep inside.
Life was also filled with things so achingly beautiful—her children, Anthony and Lena, whom she loved with all her motherly heart. And then she’d been blessed with two grandchildren, whom she cherished. It broke her heart that she wouldn’t have more time with Christopher and Ella and would be deprived of watching them grow up. And then there was Larry, a man who’d given her years of constant attention and affection. She would forever be grateful that they’d found each other and she’d had a second chance at love with such a loyal and caring romantic partner.
And now she had this thing in her body, growing inside her, slowly taking her life. Teresa was so tired that it depleted her just to get up from bed and go to the bathroom or the kitchen. She’d imagined her life would last a lot longer than sixty years and had pictured getting old, like many of her great-aunts. Now Teresa would be lucky if she lived beyond a year.
She heard the front door open, and then Lena putting the groceries away. A few minutes later, she entered the bedroom and looked surprised to find Teresa awake.
“I thought you were sleeping,” said Lena, her voice soft. “I was just going to sit here with you for a bit while you slept. But since you’re awake, I wanted to tell you about some places I found that are doing experimental treatments...”
“Shhh, sweetie, not now, okay?” Teresa said.
Lena nodded, but Teresa could tell she didn’t want to let it—orher—go. Teresa reached out. Lena took her hand and moved closer. Teresa gestured for her to lie down next to her on the bed. Lena complied, letting out a huge breath as if she’d been holding it in for several minutes or even hours.
“I want to talk to you about something, honey,” Teresa said. “It’s important. It won’t be easy for either of us, but it’s time.”
Lena nodded again, and this time, it was more deliberate. Teresa could see that she had her full attention.
