Page 8 of Choosing My Happiness
I watched through the window as Dan drove away, feeling the relaxation ease my stress. I drank the tea that he made, had a cookie, then took some clothes into the bathroom to change and let myself finallyfeel, and think.
I peeled off the pad that was filled with bloody discharge from the birth, and had a shower. My tummy was still bloated and flabby. I felt angry and relieved at the same time. Blaze hadn’t shown up for Baby James at his birth, what were the chances of him showing up for the rest of his life if he had survived? It was probably a lucky dodge for Baby James. He didn’t have to grow up with Blaze as his father, and as for me…
“Fuck him!” I growled at the blood running down the drain. “I deserve better.” I didn’t want to be an ol’lady. It had never been a goal of mine, even though it was my mother’s proudest achievement. But especially now, Ireallydidn’t want to be that person.
* * *
I spent three months at that house, slowly recovering and developing new routines. I would go down to the library and distract myself with online courses. I opened up a new bank account. I sold any jewelry that I had brought with me. My desire to get out of the club life and never return was solidifying more each day.
I applied for a college scholarship and got accepted. Then, finally I could–and did–completely disappear, leaving the phone on the counter with a thank you note for Bull and Janie, andDan and Jim. And I began my life properly as a free woman, not attached to anyone or anything.
5
Chapter 5: Blaze
On the day Daisy was discharged from the hospital, I was on a ride, clearing my head with the boys. We didn’t go far. I could have made it back in plenty of time if she called me. But she didn’t. I found the flowers and boxes of jewelry in the kitchen when I came home to get ready for my shift at the firehouse. It hurt a little that she didn’t call to let me know she was coming home. I wanted to bring her home and try again to apologize and make up. Another opportunity missed.
I quickly searched the house for her with no luck. I guessed she was catching up with a girlfriend or something. She was probably almost fully recovered by now with how long she’d spent in the hospital. I quickly dressed and headed to work. It was all I could do.
She still wasn’t back by the time I finished my shift. I had called to see if she wanted me to pick up some take-out for tonight. But her phone went straight to voicemail. I picked something up anyway and came straight home like I promised, even though she hadn’t heard me.
The flowers were still there, the same as the jewelry boxes, but next to them was her phone with my messages unread on the screen. I went searching for her again. And again she wasn’t anywhere. I was getting irritated. Where was she? And the roses were starting to droop. Fucks sake, after all the trouble I went through to get them.
I searched the cupboard for a vase, filled it up with water, and plonked the flowers in there. I grabbed the jewelry boxes and packets and was about to toss them in the trash when I heard the little rattle. Instead, I opened them. She hadn’t taken a single item out. I’d spent ages searching for stuff that everyone told me she’d like, and she barely touched them. She could at least have put them away instead of being ungrateful.
I sighed and pulled myself together.She’s still grieving. They might remind her of Junior, you just need to talk to her.Maybeshe’d listen this time. Maybe she’s with Bull’s ol’lady. They seemed to be getting close at the hospital.
I pulled my phone out and called Bull.
“Is Janie there?” I asked as soon as I heard the phone pick up.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Blaze! Do you know what time it is, and what the fuck do you want to talk to my wife about?” he muttered.
“Sorry, it’s just…I can’t find Daisy. I know she’s come home from the hospital, but she’s not in the house.”
Bull grunted. “Yeah, I know…she’s having a break.”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s gone upstate for a vacation. Give her some space while she recovers.”
“Recovers?” I echoed.
“Yeah, from having to give birth to her dead child. On that note, we’ve got a funeral to arrange. I offered and she agreed. The club is handling all the arrangements for Baby James’s funeral. I’ll let you know what we organize,” he snapped, before hanging up the phone. I kept the phone to my ear, trying to work out what just happened.
My brain slowly caught up. Daisy had gone away for a break. Away fromme. She must be pretty mad. She didn’t give me the chance to talk, to explain before she left. I sighed. This was a new tactic. She usually just yells. I can work with yelling. But this silence and her disappearance were ominous.
Hopefully the time away would help her get her head back in the game, and back to me. I sighed, sorting it out in my head. Daisy needed the break. She’d take time out to finish grieving, and then when she’s over it, she’d come back happy, ready to be mine again. We’d have another kid, and I’d keep it in my pants this time.
6
Chapter 6: 4 years later - Daisy
I thanked the universe when I saw my baby’s feet tattooed on the side of my belly. Baby James used to kick me right in that spot, so I thought it made sense to put them there. I missed him but was grateful for everything that happened since his death. It had pushed me to recognize my potential and get free of the toxic environment I’d grown up in.
I was a different girl now than the one who left that town and that club 4 years ago. The folder that Bull had handed me that day I left had contained details of a counsellor and 6 paid sessions. Those sessions helped me decide on what my future goals were, and what I could achieve.
I was now a graduate nurse, working in the emergency department at the teaching hospital where I trained. Even my look was different. The pregnancy had left me with curves to diefor, and I had cut my hair short. I loved the pixie cut. It made me look cute and had the advantage that it was easy and efficient to care for.
