Page 60 of Choosing My Happiness
“Honestly and openly,” he agreed. “Although honestly, how could he give you up, or even step out on you?”
“He wanted what he wanted and thought he deserved it,” I replied. I’d done quite a bit of thinking about that in the first three months of my escape. “I don’t think it was actually a reflection on me, or how he felt about me, or the club lifestyle. It was always him and his own desires. He didn’t have to think about anyone else, so he didn’t. Dad was the same, until he got old and sick. And then he was stuck with Mom, and learned to appreciate what he had.”
Jim walked to the water’s edge and started taking his own boots and socks off to dangle his feet in the water.
“Blaze talked a lot today about how much he admires Matchstick. Do you think that he may have wanted to be like him?” he asked.
I sat next to Jim and leaned into him. The closeness would have to do for now.
“Yes, to a certain extent. Blaze lived Dad’s dreams. In some ways, Blaze was able to do the things that Dad couldn’t.”
“Like screw young girls?” Disgust laced through Jim’s voice.
“Careful, you’ll lose your credentials in the club. Don’t Brothers have to stick together against the rest of the world?” I jokingly warned.
He snorted. “I can be honest with you. I’ve seen the secrets you keep. You won’t be telling anyone,” he replied.
I smiled, relaxing. Then I kept talking, “Dad always wanted to be a firefighter. He just wasn’t fit enough. No matter what he did, he didn’t make the cut. Blaze was barely out of school and got into the training crew first go. That’s when Dad really pushed me to him.” I pulled a blade of grass out from the plant and started shredding it. “He yelled at me when I first said no to dating Blaze. Then he and Blaze went off on rides together. Tinker, for some reason, hated my Dad, but he lovedme, and I loved him and Maisey. I think part of me married Blaze because I’d get Tinker as a Dad, and I hoped that once we were married, Tinker’s views on women would appear.” I sighed. “That didn’t work out how I imagined it. Blaze turned out to be more Dad than Tinker.”
“How does your half sister fit in?” Jim asked.
“Remember how I said that about nineteen years ago, Dad changed? It was more Mom. She didn’t let him get away with the shit he’d been doing. She was angry all the time. Then, one day she wasn’t…and he went back to doing everything again.” I drew a breath. “Amber is nineteen.”
Jim drew a sharp breath. I think he got the connection. I continued on with my rambling explanation. “I always wanted a sibling growing up, someone to share the expectations with. Specifically a sister. Ideally one who would take on Blaze if I didn’t want him, or found someone better. But it never happened, or so I thought.”
I didn’t notice the tears running down my cheek, but Jim did. He reached over and wiped them away as I kept talking.
“For nineteen years, I could have had that. And I understand why Mom didn’t want her around…It’s like Dylan. Amber is Mom’s husband’s illegitimate child, and she is the biggest kick to the face that Mom could have endured. But—” I rubbed my chest, feeling the pain etch anew into my heart. “If Mom is allowed to refuse to acknowledge Amber, and keep her awayfrom us completely, to deny us all a relationship, then why is she pushing Dylan onto me? Why is she demanding to be his grandparent? He’s my husband’s illegitimate son. Why don’t I get the option of rejecting him? I’m sure Amber was a gorgeous kid too.”
“I don’t know, My Queen.” Jim put his arm around me and held me gently, but firmly.
“Why must I be perfect all the time? I’m not. I’m not going to be able to live like Mom did. It’s a horrible life, and I don’t want it. Why is she pushing me to live her life? Why is shepunishingme? Why did she hate me so much?” I turned my face into his shoulder and cried. He held me and kissed my forehead.
“You deserve better, My Queen.” He sighed. “I promise I will give you so much better when you allow me.”
I tilted my head back. “Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I living by their rules, Jim? Shouldn’t I be able to love who I want openly? Shouldn’t I be able to claim you now?” I whined.
He lifted his head and gazed down at me with a serious look.
“You can do whatever you want. I will follow your lead. When you want to claim me as yours, you do it. I will deal with the repercussions.”
“What would they be?” I asked.
He gave a growl-laced sigh and rolled me onto his lap. “Don’t worry about them. I will deal with it. You’re worth anything they could do to me,” he told me.
I stared at his face, my eyes searching for answers. I wanted him, but I didn’t want him to be hurt by the club because of me.
He squeezed me gently. “I’ve waited for you for four years already, Daisy. I can wait a while longer. I’ll always be here for you,” he grumbled. “You’re my ol’lady whether anyone else knows it or not. And I have not, andwill notstep out on you. So don’t be expecting jewelry, because you’re getting none from me. I’m not going to do anything to deserve that.”
I closed my eyes to stop my heart bursting. This man.This man is my all.And I’m going to claim him when I’m clear to do it.
39
Chapter 39: Blaze
I looked around for Daisy. I just realised that we’d been here a few hours and I hadn’t seen her since the service. Dylan wasn’t here either, but I knew where he was. Tonight was Shaquilla’s night with him and she had taken him as soon as she could after the service. She was the only connection he had to his biological Mom, seeing as she was friends with the woman. So to keep the peace, and for my sanity. Dylan stayed with Shaquilla one night a week so she could tell him stories about Dani and keep her memory alive for him. I suppose I’d better let Daisy know once she’s got this divorce shit out of her system. She might enjoy the night off and it seems that she and Shaq hit it off today at the service.
I walked over to where Molly was chatting with other ol’ladies.
