Page 31 of Choosing My Happiness
“I’m okay, just some bad memories…let’s just say prospecting for the Riders was my Granddad’s idea. He trusted Tinker to keep me safe, and the club to give me the structure I needed when I went off the rails. He was a very good man. Stubborn but good. Nanny was pure steel, but died too soon.” He paused and clenched his jaw, then forged on. “It’s a blessing that she died before she saw her son destroy his life.” His hand twitched around my fingers, before lifting away. He took a deep breath. “Enough trauma bonding for today.” He gave me a quick smile and brushed a stray lock of my hair into place with his finger. “You have enough troubles to deal with. Mine are in the past. Yours are happening now, but you’re not facing them alone any more.”
I closed my eyes and relaxed, soaking in the feeling. It was heaven to feel like I had someone to rely on. Every interaction I had with Jim showed me that I could trust him. It was a great feeling.
He dropped me back at Janie’s place just after the kids’ bedtime routine. This meant that Bull was asleep with one or more of the kids intruding in the bed to prevent bad dreams. Janie poured some hot cocoa for me and her.
“You survived today,” she commented.
I nodded. “It was good for Dad.”
“But not you,” she observed.
“I don’t know what to do about Blaze,” I admitted. ”Part of me knows that we have to talk. But every time I see him, it’s the wrong time. There’s always an audience.”
She sat down at the table in front of me.
“When is the right time?” she asked.
I looked at my cup. “I don’t know.” I sighed. “Dad wants me to give him another go.”
Janie looked at me without saying anything.
I shook my head. “I gave him everything before, for fucking years! I swear he’s screwed around on me since day one. And all my Mom said when I went to her was, ‘But you’re the one he comes home to, and he always comes home to you, so that means he’s not cheating.’”
We sat in silence.
“Am I wrong for wanting more than that?” I asked.
“No, because it’s what I’ve got,” Janie told me. “It’s what every other woman in our club has got. No one steps out on their ol’lady. Spider even told off Karly when she was called to pick his drunk ass up after a big night. He wouldn’t let her touch him. Told her that his dick belonged to Karly, and the ol’ladies kutte was wrong because she had his heart and soul, not the other way around.” She grinned. “He was quite poetic. Until she lost her temper and grabbed said dick, which sobered him up enough to recognize her.” Janie sighed. “It was still a battle to get him home.” She rolled her eyes.
I laughed softly, imagining it. Spider was a big man who used to be quite a lady’s man until Karly rolled into town. They’d gotten together just before I left, but I still remembered him chasing Karly. He’d almost physically thrown a townie away from him when she tried to give him a kiss goodbye, and Karly was at the other end of the bar. They weren’t even together then.
“Would Jim step out on me?” I asked in a plaintive voice.
Janie paused. “Why do you ask?”
“He took me for a ride. We rode separate bikes,” I quickly explained.
“You feel something?” Janie asked.
I nodded and opened my mouth, “I don’t know if it’s because he was there with me that night, or that he’s the first one who treats me like I’m worth treasuring.” Those were the closest words I could think of to explain my doubt.
Janie got up and got a bottle of whiskey.
“Not much. The kids don’t respect a hangover. But I think this conversation calls for this,” she said, pouring some into glasses.
“Tell me about Blaze,” she ordered.
I took a sip and relished the burn.
“He officially chased me from sixteen to eighteen. My friends were so jealous of me having an older boyfriend.” I gave a small smile at the memory. “Four years older, to be precise. Mom was worried initially, but Dad…Dad loved him.” I stared into the glass. “Dad watched him grow up, and gave him his dreams. Blaze was essentially the son Dad never had. Sometimes it meant that I went to Tinker and Maisey’s to get a break. The whole relationship was pretty much laid out for us. Then Blaze made it into the fire brigade. Dad was so proud. He was a volunteer firefighter for a while but never made it to a paid position. Not healthy enough. So for his daughter to be dating a paid firefighter…he loved it. Sometimes it felt like the only thing he valued about me was that I was dating Blaze.”
I paused, taking a moment, then continued.
“I said no to Blaze initially when he asked me to be his. Dad blew his top.” I snorted. “Tinker’s tantrums have nothing on Dad. It was the last time Dad touched me, and the only argument Blaze has had with Dad. Blaze laid Dad out for hurting me. I said yes to marrying him when he asked because of that fight. I knew Dad wouldn’t touch me again if Blaze was with me. Bad decision. Out of the fire, into the Blaze as it were.”
I heard Janie shift in her seat, and I took a sip.
“I think he always cheated on me. Dad and Mom forgave him, but Tinker didn’t. He’d yell and threaten Blaze in private and then reassure me that Blaze loved me and would give the girls up eventually if I mentioned I was concerned. "
