Page 7 of Choosing My Happiness
“Thank you for letting me house-sit,” I said to Janie as I climbedinto her truck cabin. She bit her lip and nodded, then leaned over and pulled open the dash compartment. Inside was an envelope with money in it and a mobile phone. The wordsjust in case of escapewere written on the envelope. I looked up at the road as we started driving.
Bull gave me the gift of space, but he insisted I come back. Janie was more realistic. She prepared for the possibility of me not coming back.
I settled back in the seat as she carefully drove us back onto the road.
“I want him cremated,” I said. “They probably don’t make coffins that small anyway. And an urn will be easier to take on the bikes.”
Janie nodded. I saw understanding in her eyes. Not sympathy, but actual understanding. She had also lost babies.
“How many Babies have you had?” I asked
“Five,” she replied. “All before twelve weeks though, so miscarriages, not stillbirths like Baby James.”
“Are you still trying?”
She shook her head and sighed. “My endometriosis has gotten too bad. The doctors say it’s so gummed up in there that nothing will stick now. And the pain is so bad that they’re talking about a hysterectomy….and I’m considering it.”
Wow, she was only 30.
“Perez…I meanBulland I are talking about adopting.” She glanced at me. “There are two gorgeous little boys that the social worker wants us to meet again this weekend. They’re beautiful. Their mom died some months ago in some shootout, and their grandma is getting too old…I said that she can come and visit often. She’s lovely too, just very frail and not able to take care of them the way she feels they deserve.”
I smiled at her obvious excitement. Then I noticed her hesitating.
“What’s the catch?” I asked.
“They’re African American and my parents are not fans of other races,” she admitted delicately, then gushed, “But they’re so perfect. They’re only four and two…and they’ve been through so much!”
“And you already love them, don’t you?” I grinned at her.
“Yes.”
We pulled up behind my car in the driveway. I leaned over and gave her a hug.
“Do it, Janie. Those kids deserve parents like you and Bull. You don’t need racist parents to help you raise your babies. You have a whole damn club who will support you. You attract that energy.” I hopped down with my bag and presents. Her grin lifted me. It felt good to see happiness.
“Thanks for the lift.” I waved at her as she reversed and headed to her house, then I walked inside my own.
I looked around. Nothing had changed. Absolutely nothing. I tossed the last lot of the flowers onto the counter, along with the haul of trinkets that were Blaze’s pathetic attempts to make peace, and Jim’s little bunny. Then I went to the bathroom.
There, I looked at the laundry basket like it contained a bomb. I had to know. I pulled out a pair of pants that I knew he had worn a few days ago. There in the pockets were some condoms, and one empty wrapper. I lifted my head and looked at myself in the mirror.
My mother’s words of comfort rang in my ears. “It’s just his way of dealing with the grief. He doesn’t mean anything by it. They’re just warm bodies.”
Meanwhile, I had been holding a small, cold one for a week. I still felt the hole in my belly where he belonged, and the scar pulling as I moved.
I made my decision. Fuck this waiting around to try and talk to Blaze. I’ve wasted enough words and energy on him. Therewas nothing left for me in this whole house. Just a painful past. I pulled the suitcases out and started packing, then I called Bull.
“I need to go now, Bull. I’ll change all my doctor appointments to that area, but I need to gonow.” I was shaking as I demanded. I thanked the universe that he understood and told me he was sending a prospect. I packed as I waited for him to arrive.
It wasn’t Jim. It was another young kid named Daniel, who was all ears and courtesy. He didn’t say anything about me being an ol’lady. He just turned up and helped. Daniel carried the suitcases out to the SUV, then came back and held my elbow as he walked me back out to the car, checking that I had everything I needed. I only took the things I needed most, including the bunny.
I had even left my old phone behind on the counter so no one could contact me. I had taken some time to forward the photos Jim sent me, and record Bull and Janie’s numbers on my new phone. But they were the only people who had shown up for me, and onlyme. They were the only people I trusted now.
* * *
After four hours of me and Dan putting on a bad car-singing concert, I was standing in a nice single-story house on a secure housing estate. It was comfortable, airy, and bright. I walked through the three bedrooms and chose one of the guest rooms to settle into. Dan rushed to carry my bags in and offered to help unpack. I declined. I’d do it in my own time.
I tried to walk him out to say goodbye, but the young man pretended to take offense and told me to sit down. Then he made a cup of tea and left a tin of cookies on the counter, only leavingonce I promised to call if I needed anything. The club was in good hands as soon these prospects patched in. They weren’t as arrogant as the older generation, with the exception of Tinker.
