Page 49 of Embers in Our Souls
“Sorry,” I blow out a breath. “You’re right. I should hear him out. But, I’m going to be honest with you. No matter his explanation, he still did what he did. He betrayed my trust after we had that weekend together. I thought we shared a connection. And then he blew it up in the worst way. I get we hadn’t really talked it out, but those few days together, there was something unspoken.”
I sit there, again my thoughts going back to that day. It’s hard not to feel the flutter of my heart as my mind gets engulfed by those memories. It’s crazy how easily it can be transported to a time after years of suppressing them.
“I’ll likely listen, but serve him with divorce papers after this anyway. I don’t see how he’ll explain himself out of this one,” I tell her.
“I understand,” she sighs. I can imagine her doodling on a piece of paper.
“I’m going to call Roger before it gets too late and Noah has to head home. You know I love you. And thanks for talking me through this.”
“Of course. Good luck with the breakup. Maybe put it in a Sheets presentation.” She laughs as I hang up, likely trying to lighten the mood for me.
Roger was coming home from work when I called him earlier, so we met up at a coffee shop nearby. It was the most cordial breakup I’ve ever had. I’ve never felt more comfortable parting ways with a boyfriend before.
When we walked back to our respective places, I expected at least a friendly hug, and as I leaned in to do just that, what happened next pretty much solidified our breakup was the right decision. I moved my body toward Roger and instead of opening his arms for me to bring my body into him, he extended his hand out for me to shake it. Like a fucking business transaction.
The worst part? I stared at it like a moron. I was stunned. No. I was speechless. Let’s just say—good thing Roger is nice to look at because he needs to work on his people skills. I shook his hand and laughed. He gave me a perplexed look because my laughtermorphed into hysterics as I walked away. I had literal tears as I got closer to my front door.
It’s been hours and I still find myself smiling at the memory. I texted with Kalli about everything and she has sent me multiple memes throughout the evening because his behavior perplexed her as well.
Noah’s home now and tucked safely in bed. He had a good time at the neighbor’s house, which always brings a smile to my face. He’s always been a social child, much like my brother was at his age, but seeing him thrive despite Bryce being gone always comforts me. I worry that me being a single mom is impacting him negatively. But I must be doing something right with him because he’s constantly smiling and telling me how much he loves school. Hopefully he continues to be this happy child because he’s this immensely positive part of my otherwise hectic life.
I move into my room and get myself ready for bed. Of course, my vice now is grabbing a journal before falling asleep. I’ve gotten through them quickly because I’m a glutton for punishment, and a fast reader thanks to my job. I’m pretty much at the end of my entries. Once I’m situated against the headboard, I flip through to the page I tabbed.
I touch the paper, my writing looking so innocent and neat. It feels like a completely different person wrote this simply because this version of Indiana was so naive to the life that was going to hit her across the face in the year ahead. I want to hug this version of myself, simply to explain to her she has so much to open her eyes to.
I sit up a little higher on my bed, supporting my upper back with an added pillow, and start reading:
January 12, 2019
Dear Journal,
I’m sort of nervous. It seems any day now Tyler might come over. He hasn’t told me when he’d visit, but it seems that now that I’ve given the okay for him to visit, he could write me and give me dates. Oh my gosh, just the thought gives me butterflies. I haven’t seen him since the morning after we got married.
That whole whirlwind was a lot. We’ve exchanged so many words since then. I feel like we were just kids all those years ago and now here we are, adults, living our lives separately; but emotionally, it feels we are so mixed together. But in that time, I feel like I’ve fallen in love with this version of him. Yet, I haven’t seen him at all. It’s so strange. Although, I’ve gotten to love this side of him that I doubt anyone knows. Does that even make sense? I mean, how many people get to fall in love with someone via handwritten letters anymore? I doubt very many.
Tyler is attentive, giving, and he knows how to push me to look at myself with love and compassion. He knew what I needed when I feel like those who have known me my whole life didn’t give me the same confidence. He really helped me see whatI needed to succeed that night, and if it wasn’t for him, I would have most likely gone back home and lived the life my parents wanted and been miserable. I wouldn’t have believed in myself.
I wouldn’t be here, actually. I would be in Nevada, practicing medicine. I have him to thank for being in this profession. I feel so grateful for him in many ways. It’s just amazing to think that life has brought us together in the most odd way. And he’s my husband, yet we’ve only been together once. But we might be together soon, and I’m nervous and excited. I’m rambling.
I’m just really anticipating this visit, yet I have no idea when it’s happening.
I’ll keep you posted on this encounter, journal.
Hopefully it happens. Eek.
CHAPTER 27
Indiana
6 YEARS AGO
February 16, 2019
Dear my forever Valentine, Tyler,
How are things going? Did you do anything exciting for Valentine’s Day? Shoot… maybe I should have sent you a box of goodies or something. I’ve never done that. What a bad wifey I am. I’ll start doing better on my end.
I worked long hours so mine wasn’t super exciting. My team ordered Chinese takeout so that lessened the blow at least.
