Page 48 of Embers in Our Souls
Um, no…
Instead of responding with a text, my phone begins to ring.
When I pick up, before saying hello, Kalli starts up by talking first.
“I can’t believe you forgot about Roger!” She cackles.
“First of all, this isn’t funny. This is a person’s feelings we’re talking about,” I begin. “Second, I didn’t forget about Roger. It’s just that, I haven’t really spoken to him much. He’s been working long hours and we haven’t had time to see one another. When he’s done at the office, I’m already in bed. We aren’t the type of couple to talk every second of the day.”
“Indy, Roger is completely wrong for you. Even if Tyler wasn’t in the picture, you should be breaking up with him. He’s not your person. If you wanted to make time for each other, you would. Clearly, neither of you are really in this.” I can picture her shaking her head on the other line.
I expel a breath and mentally concede to the fact that she’s likely right. A few weeks ago I was all about saying Roger wasthe guy, and now I’m realizing I was making excuses to fit him in my life for all the wrong reasons. Who am I kidding? I was trying to convince myself I should be vying for the spot as his potential spouse. Settling for a forever snoozefest with the guy, if he was willing, because I thought it was best for Noah.
“Fine. Maybe you’re right. But it doesn’t mean what I’m doing to him is fair.” I feel bad because he’s not a bad guy.
“I get it. But he’ll be okay. He’s still got his Excel documents to keep him warm at night.” She laughs on the other end.
“Stop. I obviously felt something for him to date him this long. I know it’s not going to work out, but a part of me feelsbad, because I know deep down he’s a good person.” I sigh. Roger is kindhearted and his passion for his work is simply at the forefront of his mind most of the time right now. One day, I know he’ll meet that person that consumes his heart, it’s just not me.
“You’re right, I’m sorry. So, what’s the plan then? You going over there to talk to him? You need Auntie Kalli to come grab Noah?” She always knows what I need before I even ask for it. I’m so lucky to have her.
“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” I tell her.
“Not enough,” she throws back.
“And you’re humble too,” I add with a laugh. “Noah is with the neighbor until after dinner. They’re watching a movie together. If I need you, I’ll let you know, but I’ll text the mom next door and see if she can keep Noah a little longer if necessary.”
“So, you’re going to talk to Roger tonight? You’re comfortable with that?” I know she’s worried I’ll be emotional going into the meeting with Tyler tomorrow.
“Yeah. It might seem I’m breaking up with Roger because of Tyler, but, like you said, I think this breakup would be happening eventually down the road. Although, I can’t, in good conscience, be having these feelings around Tyler while I have a boyfriend. I know it’s not right. It doesn’t change some other things though, Kalli,” I groan.
“You mean, all the stuff he did to you years ago?”
At the hospital, when I confessed everything to Kalli, I told her why Tyler and I parted ways. She was furious on my behalf at first, her hands balling into fists and I wasn’t sure if my best friend was going to search for my husband herself.
But now, she keeps reminding me there’s more to the story. Apparently, as Ty keeps saying, he has his side of things hewants to air out. So, I’m finally succumbing to the fact I should hear him out before settling things with Tyler once and for all.
“Yeah, how did you just forget how mad you were?” I ask, forgetting the dirty dishes once again and sitting at my kitchen table.
“I didn’t forget. I promise you I didn’t let just let it slide. But he said he wants to talk to you. I assume there’s more to this story of his and I think you should listen to it. It’s obviously eating at him if he’s insisting. Don’t you think you should?” Kalli is a true attorney. She wants all the evidence laid out before she gives her verdict. She might not be a trial lawyer, but she still likes all the facts, which makes her good at her job.
She continues, “That’s why I told you not to simply hand him the divorce papers before sitting down with him. He keeps urging you to talk to him because he has something to say. What’s the worst thing you’d get out of listening to the guy?”
She’s right. Tyler has been asking for us to talk, for him to explain himself, and that hasn’t happened. I’ve held on to a lot of anger, bitterness really, for so long. I’ll admit that when I first saw Tyler at the school that day weeks ago, all I wanted to do was push him away. In reality, I wanted to slap him and scream for what he did to me.
The way his letter impacted me, I was never the same. His words branded me and I never walked away the same. I remember reading it that day and the numbness washed over me. As the pain impacted me from losing Tyler, a new version of myself arose, and I simply felt like I could never return to the person I once was.
Life tilted at that point for me because everything I had felt for him shifted. Little cracks in my foundation were left behind. I didn’t trust my instincts when it came to what love should feel like. I felt broken in so many ways, the trust I thought I understood up to that point was shattered.
Then Bryce died shortly after, and those cracks became craters. There was no foundation to walk on anymore because my world was unrecognizable. The man I thought I loved didn’t love me, and my brother was no longer here. I was left with a baby I had no clue how to navigate life with, and parents I felt disconnected to. My world was unrecognizable, so I rebuilt and everything was misplaced.
Navigating this shift at a pivotal point in my life was incredibly difficult for me. I was in pain and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a ball and lose myself to the pain. But I had to persevere. I found a way to do so; in that quest, I built a new foundation that covered the cracks Ty’s and Bryce’s absences caused. This new version of myself is no longer jovial like I used to be.
In all those years, I kept putting off finding my biological parents in fear of what I might discover. Unsealing court documents can take time and effort—what if that unearths more disappointment? Can I handle that? I just don’t know if I have the mental capacity to deal with it.
I haven’t told anyone but I hired a private investigator to look into my biological parents. Kalli is the only person that knows he’s been hired, but nothing has come from that investigation yet. Kalli knows I don’t want to talk about it until there’s something to discuss, so once he was hired, I let it go, leaving it in the PI’s hands until something is revealed.
“Indy, you’ve gone silent,” Kalli pulls me from my thoughts.
