Page 99 of A Very Merry Enemy
I tiptoe up the stairs, skipping the one that creaks, and make it to my childhood bedroom without getting caught. The door clicks shut behind me, and I lean against it, letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. When I look up, I catch a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror across the room.
I flick on the light and move closer to it, tilting my head to see my neck better. Three very purple hickeys trail down my neck from below my ear to my collarbone.
My hand flies up to touch the darkest one. The memory of Lucas’s mouth on my skin floods back, and heat rushes through me. He sucked and bit my skin while I touched myself. I can almost hear his whispers in my ear. Then I remember Jake found us, and I lied to his face with these marks trailing downmy neck. Hopefully, he’ll keep it to himself, and his whole family won’t know by noon.
Regardless, I can’t deny I’m smiling like an idiot over Lucas Jolly marking me as his. Some primal part of me loves it.
The smile fades as reality crashes back in, and I remember what Lucas said. He’s waiting for me to be ready, to be sure, to not break his heart again.
He’s always waiting on me.
Guilt slams into me and I sink onto my bed.
I hurt him so badly, and that’s something I wish I could take back. Hearing the pain in his voice when he talked about how he couldn’t commit because none of those women were me was heartbreaking.
I don’t like myself for killing something so kind inside of him.
If I could go back in time and shake eighteen-year-old me, I would. I’d grab her by the shoulders and scream at her not to leave. Not to get on that plane. Not to throw away everything for some dream that would actually become a nightmare.
I’d tell her that she already had everything she could ever want and need.
I had a good man who loved me at my rawest form, someone who never wanted to change me. A town that supported my baking with a future full of possibilities.
I was too young to understand the opportunities that were already in the palm of my hand. There was a stupid part of me that was convinced bigger meant better, and education meant appreciation. I was too desperate to prove myself to a world that only wanted to make me someone I wasn’t, with people who never mattered.
For what? For me to pick back up where I left off?
Now I’m thirty-four years old, covered in hickeys from my secret ex-boyfriend, in my childhood bedroom, trying to figure out if I can trust myself not to fuck this up again.
How sad is it that it took losing everything to recognize howgreat my life was before? And now, I’m so terrified that I’ll get everything back, and I still won’t appreciate Lucas. What if he decides I’m not what he wants? What if I’m not capable of being the person he deserves?
The thought almost destroys me.
I move to my closet, grabbing clothes for the day. A turtleneck will solve some of this problem, except for the one right below my ear. I settle on a dark green one that hugs me tight. I rush through getting ready, trying to scrub away the smoke from my skin while in the shower. After I dry my hair, I pull it into a side braid, hoping it’ll cover more. Then I try to hide the hickey not covered by my shirt with some cheap concealer that expired a decade ago. It’s better than nothing and kinda works.
This will have to do.
I check the time and see it’s already eight thirty. The bakery usually opens at nine, and I’m usually there by five thirty at the very latest to bake thousands of cookies. I’ve never been this late.
I grab my phone and see two texts from Emma.
Emma
Heard you were found.
Emma
Jake told Hudson EVERYTHING.
My face burns thinking about Hudson and Emma knowing what happened. Without responding—because what the hell would I say?—I shove my phone in my pocket and head downstairs. Mom’s in the kitchen making coffee.
“Morning, sweetie,” she says without turning around. “Where were you?”
“Out.” My voice sounds too high.
“With Lucas?” She glances over her shoulder at me. Her eyebrows shoot up.
“Mom—”
