Page 32 of Slaughtered Firefly
I was starved of connection. Just someone to talk to these days that blurred together. Momma’s death was still fresh on my mind despite it being a few years ago. The beautiful black dress Daddy had brought me never returned, and the oversized shirt wasn’t so oversized now. I stared down at the simple red trying to remember that day, but it was a cloud of fog I could never see through, which only made me feel worse. “How stupid of me, I can’t even remember what happened,” the sob rang out as my lips trembled. No one wants me anymore. It was a fact I had to accept. I’d tried befriending the mice that passed through the shed, but even they didn’t stay unless I bribed them with food. No one does anything for free.
I turned away from the window, my legs dangling off the shelf, as I looked at the surroundings. The wooden table with three chairs partly filled the kitchen corner, if you could call a small counter, sink and microwave a kitchen. The whiteporcelain of the fridge stood tall, too large to be part of the kitchen as it ran into the dining table. The shelf groaned under my weight, or it might have been my stomach gurgling again. There was nothing in this stupid shed that could help me escape.
I stared out the caked window again, the breeze, the sun, the clouds — all of it just out of reach. Tears welled in my eyes again as I slammed my fist once more across the glass, not even caring if I broke down. I was already broken. There was nothing — my eyes latched onto the brown-haired boy as he walked along the wood line.
“HELP!” I screamed, banging against the window with all my might.
“PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE!” I continued trying to draw the attention of the boy who probably couldn’t hear me anyway. Who’s saying he wasn’t a figment of my imagination? I continued to beat against the glass. Every strike felt like needles to my arms, but I didn’t stop.
“AHHHHHH,” I screamed, too weak to form the words as I focused on making as much noise as possible. The boy turned towards the woods like the noise was coming from there; I was going to lose him. With every spare fiber of strength I could manage, I kicked against the glass, screaming from the top of my lungs. “I’M HERE!”
The boy turned in a circle. Confusion crossed his face, he could hear, me but he didn’t see the shed. I jumped off the side of the shelf, landing with a thud on the couch, and raced towards the bathroom mirror. The mirror shattered as my hand made impact. The hit vibrated up my arm, and I clenched my teeth as it rattled my brain. I grabbed a shard off the floor and raced back to my delicate balance of objects I had climbed to get to that high window.Please be real, please be real,I chanted. I just needed him to be real. I was dying inside. Stuck.
Angling the mirror to catch the sunlight just right, almost blinding myself in the process, I directed it towards the boys’ direction. He was just looking across the field, caught in some daydream, perhaps. When the beam from the mirror caught on his chest, I almost cried out.
He’s real.
I carefully went up his torso and towards his face. The light shone in his eyes for half a second and then nothing. I tried angling the mirror again only to realize the clouds had decided that moment to be a pain. When he turned away, a cry slipped free from my shaky lips. But at the last second I was able to catch the corner of his eye. “Yes!” I screamed, almost falling backwards. I steadied myself and fixed the mirror, shaking it back and forth between his eyes. He tried to move away at first, but I was quick to follow. After a moment he looked towards the shed, and my heart drummed in my chest.Please save me, please.
He started walking in the right direction, and I occasionally flicked the mirror light in his eyes, guiding him.
He was close; his expression changed when the building came into sight. I couldn’t imagine what the outside looked like; the window faced the backside towards the wood after all. When he was close enough to hear, I tapped against the glass. Not as hard as I had been, but a coaxing, unsure tap. His eyes flicked upward, and I ducked. I don’t know why I ducked, but I did. After a moment I peeked back through the window. He was staring at it.
I knocked again, waved and pointed towards the other side of the shed. I didn’t know whether he saw it. But a moment later I squeaked as the door rattled against its frame. Followed byheavy knocking. He’s real. I pinched myself as I clambered down from the height and made my way to the doorknob.
The jiggling of the door handle stopped, and my breath was coming too fast. I didn’t understand the anxiety that riddled my being. “Hello?” The boy’s voice sounded like a distant dream; it was so beautiful. Maybe it was hearing someone else in the month or so I had been alone.
I blinked at the door, still afraid he and it would disappear and it would be Daddy.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
I returned the knock, just once. I didn’t know where this sudden fear came from, but I just kind of stood there stunned.
Another knock sounded, and a shadow darkened the underside of the door. “Hello? Can you hear me?” He asked, the sound much clearer now.
I placed my hands on the floor as I got into a crouch. My whole body shook with nerves as I saw the tuft of brownish black and the grey eye that peered into my space. I gasped, sitting upright, my knees pulled to my chest. “I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m Cole.” He spoke into the crack. The thud of my heartbeat increased as I fought to calm it. I couched back down and peered at him. I didn’t dare speak, not sure if I sounded coherent enough to anyway. Swallowing thickly, I stared into his eye; he stared right back, unafraid. “There you are, I knew I saw something shining light in my eyes, did you do that?” He urged. I nodded. A half smile broke across his face, or what small part of his face I could see. “What’s your name?” He asked, and I shook my head, unwilling to give him further information. He frowned and then smiled again. I was confused. “Can you at least open the door?” He asked after a moment of thought. I shook my headno. I didn’t have the key to the lock. Only Daddy had the keys, and it had been so long. “That’s okay, I think I can help with that,” His face broke into another goofy grin, and I blinked in confusion. “ I’ll be back I promise.” He disappeared. A single tear leaked out as I stared through the crack.Please come back.Time ticked by; the day became long. I didn’t know when I moved off the floor, but I felt the soreness from my body when I finally moved.
He’s not coming back. He didn’t exist. You imagined it. Stupid little girl.
I made my way back to the bathroom. The floor scattered with broken mirror shards, and Momma’s blonde hair shone back at me as I stared.You don’t deserve to wear her hair. You are nothing.I tried picking up the pieces but caught my finger on a sharp corner and dropped the mirror as a blood drop beaded and formed on my finger. I stared at it in awe. So bright red, it glistened in the setting sun. The blood winked at me like it was alive before falling down my finger to the palm of my hand. I stuck my finger in my mouth before the blood drop could escape. I didn’t want the blood to taint the floor. It was too pure for that. I sucked on my finger. The coppery tang only intensified my hunger, but I knew the cut had to be healed.
When I pulled my finger away, the sunlight had waned. It got like that sometimes. I would blink, and it was already sunset. It was strange but comforting. I didn’t have to be present for every waking moment despite being awake.
I sat on the floor with my legs crossed. The spot was well worn, but it was mine. From that spot I could count every board in the shed, and then I would count them backwards. It gave my mind a way to focus. I was on board number forty whenthe doorknob rattled again. I jumped. My anxiety had me hiding behind the sofa’s edge as I peeked at the door handle. It would bite me if I let it, I knew it. What I didn’t expect was for it to open.
Cole’s triumphing smile as he pulled back the cotter pin had me catching my breath. His smile was so fresh, so full of trust. I was barely peeking over the sofa edge, and he hadn’t seen me yet.
“Hello, are you still in here?” He’s voice laced with concern when I didn’t reveal myself right away. I was so unsure. This was strange; I hadn’t been around people in so long. What if I fucked up? I rose slowly from my hiding spot, my eyes wide at the appearance of the boy in Daddy’s space. No. My space.
“Hi there,” he smiled towards me, a hand outstretched. I stared at it before looking at him. He was so tall, so fit. I was afraid I had fallen off the shelf and was in some daydream, my knight having saved me. It felt like a trick. I ducked behind the sofa again. My back pressed against the surface as I held my knees to my chest. I couldn’t catch a breath. It was all too fast. Tears streamed down my face as I cried.Was he real? Am I dead? What is happening?
I heard floorboards five and seven shift, and I sniffled, pulling myself out of the spiral. Then I heard board thirty and twenty-eight move as he continued toward me, to board number eighteen. I froze as he stood in front of me. With my eyes wide in fear and when he reached out towards me, I flinched.
He paused, letting me have my space, my safety, my cocoon of my own limbs. He slowly sat down in front of me, not saying anything. With his legs crossed, his expression open, he waited for me. He wanted me to join him, but I wasn’t so sure I could. He was a stranger in my space.
“I’m sorry,” he said after we sat in silence for ages. I didn’t know how long we stared at each other. It was weird. I wonderedwhy he was apologizing to me. Did he think he owed me the apology? My mind raced with scenarios as I tried to think why he would say I am sorry. No one says sorry unless they get told to … or was that what Momma said once? I didn’t know.
I swallowed my saliva coating my sore throat as I asked, “Why?”
