Page 31 of Christmas off Script
‘It’s a ballysinin my book. I’m an instant-gratification kind of fellow.’
‘We know, Dad,’ Henry said.
‘Anyway,’ Libby continued. ‘Why don’t we make a start? Dervla, you ready?’
‘Yes, darling. Are you going to set the scene, or shall I just dive right in?’
Libby jiggled in her seat, seeming as excited as Arthur. ‘I’ll set the scene.’ Sitting upright, the script resting on her lap, she opened her eyes wide and leaned forward to gaze at everyone. ‘The house lights are down, and faint music plays, promising a fairytale like no other. Slowly, the lights come up, just enough to reveal the front curtain which shows a woodland in winter. An owl hoots—’
‘Twit-twoo!’ Arthur shouted.
‘Then a figure appears, and the spotlight illuminates… Fairy Cakes!’
Leo’s gaze went to his mother. She held out a wand he remembered belonging to Summer when she was little and began.
‘In a land where hope’s the only thing worthwhile, a girl with humble roots and just a smile. Will dance through hardships with kindness and grace, in search of love, in this enchanted place. Will she find it? Will she win? If you’re sitting comfortably, let’s begin.’
‘I think you should say “shitting comfortably”,’ Arthur said. ‘Much funnier.’
Henry let out an audible sigh. ‘Dad, there’s already more toilet humour in the panto than in the entire Foxbrooke sewerage system.’
‘Humph,’ his father replied. ‘Libby?’
‘I think in this instance, Henry’s right. And we don’t want to detract from you and Steve, do we?’
Leo smothered a grin as he watched his father contemplating a scenario where anyone might take the spotlight away from him.
‘Ah! Good point, well made. Alright, carry on!’
‘There’s a puff of smoke, the spotlight cuts out, and Fairy Cakes disappears,’ Libby continued. ‘The front curtain lifts to reveal a village marketplace with a post to one side holding signs for Bath, Bristol, and Uranus. Villagers are milling about onstage, along with Buttons, a servant at Hardup Hall and Cinderella’s best friend. Cue opening dance number led by Buttons with the song “I Gotta Feelin” by the Black Eyed Peas, changing the word “night” to “day”. Connor, anything you want to add here?’
‘No, all good. We can start blocking the song at the next rehearsal.’
‘Fab. Okay, then rapturous applause and Buttons begins!’
Leo sat up straighter. ‘Hello everybody!’
Everyone else in the circle murmured, ‘Hello, Buttons.’
‘Oh, my goodness! Golly gumdrops, pear drops, strawberry laces, Percy Pig Phizzy Tails, and “insert latest revolting TikTok-famous sweet here”’—Leo broke off. ‘Do we know what it is yet?’
Libby shook her head. ‘Trends come and go so fast, we want to be right on the money with that reference. My plan was to ask Summer right before the dress rehearsal. She’ll know.’
‘Okay.’ Leo cleared his throat. ‘I didn’t know tonight’s audience were half-asleep zombies! Any dopier and I’d think you all came from Midsomer Norton! Shall we try that again? HELLO EVERYBODY!’
‘Hello, Buttons!’ everyone shouted back.
‘That’s much better!’ Leo continued. ‘Although—hang about! How did you know my name when we haven’t yet been introduced? Are you my number one stan? Well, Iampretty popular around here.’
‘The village children throw vegetables at Buttons, then run away, followed by the adult villagers,’ Libby said, ‘leaving the stage empty. Buttons picks the veg up and puts them in a basket.’
‘See! People love me so much they give me free food!’ Leo said. ‘I’m going to turn this into a delicious soup for my favourite person in the whole wide world.’
‘Cue background music, “My Heart will Go On”, by Celine Dion,’ Libby said. ‘Buttons holds the basket as if it were a person and waltzes across the stage.’
‘Cinderella! That’s who I love,’ Leo continued. ‘But I think she only sees me as a friend. She lives at Hardup Hall with her two ugly sisters, and she’s as perfect as perfect can be. I’ve been out this morning buying her chocolate buttons in the hope she can love me as much as them.’ He sighed. ‘Do you think I have a chance with her, boys and girls?’
‘Audience plant, currently Ryan or Tommy, will yell “no” at this point,’ Libby said. ‘Buttons is outraged.’
