Page 148 of Christmas off Script
‘Her soon-to-be-royal-highness, Miss Fanny Munchin!’ Arthur cried.
There was the sound of a scuffle, then Steve spoke. ‘No,I’mthe woman you’re looking for! Tittie Munchin at your service, your princeliness!’
‘Are you sure this is the last house?’ Leo asked Scott.
‘Unfortunately, yes. If we can’t find Princess Incognito here, then she really has vanished into thin air.’
‘Coo-ee!’ Arthur cried. ‘Your Fanny is waiting!’
Scott cleared his throat. ‘By royal decree, whoever’s foot fits this slipper shall marry the prince. Are you ladies willing and eager?’
‘She’s willing, and I’m eager,’ Arthur replied. ‘Now come on, let’s get this show on the road. I’ve got a wedding to get to.’
‘Yes, mine,’ Steve said. ‘You’re going to be the bridesmaid.’
As the two ugly sisters started fighting, Ella moved to stand on the opposite side of the stage to where Leo was facing, so she could enjoy the action without him seeing her.
Arthur had already broken one chair, and was now fighting to fit the slipper onto one of his feet.
‘It doesn’t fit,’ Scott said.
‘That’s because I’m wearing stockings,’ Arthur grumbled. ‘Try to control yourselves, gentlemen, whilst I remove them.’
Connor played the opening bars of ‘Let’s Get it On’ by Marvin Gaye, as Arthur tugged the toe of one of his striped stockings whilst leering suggestively at the audience.
‘Family show, Fanny!’ Steve cried.
As Arthur continued pulling off the stocking, it appeared it was made for someone with an eighty-foot-long leg. Libby took the end and passed it into the audience as Connor changed what he was playing to the theme music from the Benny Hill show, and Arthur tugged the stocking down his leg faster and faster.
By the time the striped stocking had travelled to the last row of seats and back, the audience was in stitches, letting out a cheer when the end finally appeared.
‘At last!’ Arthur cried. ‘And look! It fits!’
Scott lifted Arthur’s foot to show the glass slipper hanging off his toe. ‘Oh, no, it doesn’t!’
‘Oh, yes, it does!’ Arthur retorted.
‘Oh, no, it doesn’t!’ everyone else chorused.
Steve dragged Arthur out of the chair. ‘My turn. Come on, Dandini, let’s get it on.’
Connor played the opening bars of ‘Let’s Get it On’ by Marvin Gaye again.
‘Not yet!’ Steve yelled at him. ‘Wait till we’re married.’ Steve turned to Leo. ‘And you must be gentle with me, my princey-pie. For I am chaste.’
‘Yeah, all over Foxbrooke on a Saturday night,’ Arthur replied.
Scott knelt down and put the slipper on Steve’s foot. ‘Oh, no!’
‘Oh, yes,’ Steve said gleefully.
‘What is it?’ Leo asked.
Scott swallowed. ‘It fits…’
‘Ha!’ Steve cried. ‘Told you! Suck it, Fanny! I’m going to be Princess Charming.’
‘What?’ Arthur roared.
