Page 31 of Christmas Games
‘Me?’
‘Do you want a million kids?’
‘Yeah! Can’t wait. And I’m doing the world a service by adding more of my DNA to the population.’
‘But you don’t worry about being like your dad?’
‘What? No way. I’m completely different. And Valentina wouldn’t let me behave like him, anyway.’
In the pause that followed, Rory wished he was more easy-going, and that he had his friend’s breezy confidence.
‘You think you’re going to turn out like your dad?’ Charlie asked.
Rory nodded.
‘I’m presuming from the silence that you’re nodding your head?’
He shrugged.
‘Right, I see we’re devolving into a cave bear, so I’ll speak in words of one syllable,’ Charlie replied. ‘Would wife be with you if you be like dad?’ he grunted like he was a caveman struggling to talk for the first time.
Rory huffed.
‘Mum and dad of wife. They like you too? Much friend of wife like you, yes?’
‘Hmmm.’
‘Good. Cos me speak truth. Me best friend. Me know every—lots. All in world we know. Me—
‘Okay, I get it.’
Charlie laughed. ‘Thank fuck. Speaking Caveman is hard work.’
‘Valentina is a saint to put up with you twenty-four-seven.’
‘Well, I am a god, or at least the World’s Sexiest Man. Look, you’ve never been like your dad and you’re not going to turn into him the moment your baby appears. If anything,you’ll probably go so far the other way, you’ll call your kid “Osprey Glen-Rainbow” and allow them to do whatever the fuck they like because you’re “respecting their autonomy and right to creative expression”.’
Rory snorted.
‘Mate, you’ve got this. If you can cope with Brad Bauer as a stepfather, then you can cope with any—’
‘Notmy stepfather.’
‘His mates still showing up for Christmas?’
‘Yeah… We’ve got a couple of weeks to turn the castle into the bloody Downton Abbey Christmas special and it’s not going well.’
‘Not enough haggis and kilts to go around?’
‘Mistletoe shortage and we underestimated how long it would take to decorate the castle the way they want it.’
‘Well, at least you’ve got the Christmas lights sorted. You didn’t cock that one up at all.’
‘Fuck off.’
‘They’re phallus-tastic, dickity-boo, your most impressive erection to date.’
Rory sighed.
