Page 22 of Christmas Games
‘Still very tired and a bit sick, to be honest, but okay, I suppose? I don’t really know what to expect.’
‘Well, Bradley and I don’t want to tread on your toes, but we are very keen to help in any way. Especially with the logistics.’
‘Logistics?’
‘Yes, we’ll draft the official announcement and handle the press release. I’ve already provisionally booked a room at the family’s private hospital in Edinburgh for the delivery, and I’m thrilled to say I’ve already researched the correct name for the baby.’
‘The name?’ Zoe’s voice went up a register.
‘Of course you won’t know the family tradition, but it’s terribly complicated. It took me hours with a genealogist to ensure Rory was named correctly. However, Bradley took me to the Scottish Highland Institute of Tartan Excellence in Los Angeles, and they did it on a computer in a matter of minutes.’
Barbara took a piece of paper from her bag and put it on the table in front of them. ‘No need to thank me, dear. It was my pleasure.’
They stared at the printout.
‘Stuart Uisdan Murdock Oengus,’ said Zoe, faintly.
‘Yes, but Uisdan is pronounced Ooshdan,’ said Barbara. ‘And Oengus has more of an “uh” sound, like fungus.’
‘Barbara Euphemia Grissel Anabald?’
‘I know you’re carrying the heir,’ his mother continued.’ But just in case, I’ve included the correct name for a girl.’
‘Barbara?’
‘Yes, the first-born female is always named after the paternal grandmother.’
There was a short silence, then Zoe started to laugh.
When Zoe was in a very stressful situation, she burst into hysterical laughter. But it wasn’t funny to her; it was panicked, painful and uncontrollable.
Rory held her shaking hands in his. ‘Look at me. Breathe with me.’
Her whole body was convulsing as she hyperventilated, desperately trying to draw in air.
‘Aha, ahaha, ahahahaha!’
‘In through your nose, out through your mouth. You’re okay.’
Barbara was looking askance at Zoe, and Brad stared at her with undisguised interest. Rory made a mental note to ensure her condition never made it into one of his films.
After a minute, she got her breathing back under control, and he passed her a handkerchief.
‘Thank you.’ Zoe wiped her eyes, blew her nose, then took a long breath in and out.
‘Barbara,’ she said firmly. ‘I’m extremely appreciative of the thought and time that has gone into your research. However, the name of our child will be decided by Rory and myself. The fate of Scotland doesn’t depend on us following this particular tradition.’
‘But—’
‘Babe!’ said Brad excitedly. ‘They can go with Jesus’s vision!’
No, we fucking won’t.
‘Haysuss, Bradley, Haysuss.’
‘It came to him during ceremony,’ Brad continued.
Rory squeezed Zoe’s hand, trying to reassure her that whatever wind of insanity was about to blow their way, she could close the door on it.
