Page 17 of Christmas Games
‘Right,’ said Charlie, sounding much more alert. ‘I’ve deployed stage one of waking myself up. How can I help?’
‘I’m at the hospital. Zoe’s nine weeks pregnant and had a massive bleed last night. The baby’s okay, but it’s all my fault.’
There was silence, then the sound of Charlie slapping his face again.
‘That’s a lot to unpack,’ he began. ‘First up, congrats. Knew you had it in you. Second, is Zoe okay? Third, can I tell Valentina? And fourth, how the actual fuck is it your fault?’
Rory’s heart felt too heavy for his chest. ‘Zoe doesn’t have to stay in the hospital and says she’s fine, but who really knows? You can tell Valentina, but please keep it from her family or the whole bloody world will know.’ He sighed. ‘And it’s my fault because it happened when we were having sex.’
‘Is that what the doctor said?’
‘Not in so many words, but Zoe’s got a heart-shaped uterus which can make a pregnancy risky. And…’
‘Ye-es?’
‘You know,’ Rory replied, testily, ‘I’ve got a big cock.’
Charlie snorted. ‘Not as big as mine, mate.’
‘Bollocks.’
‘They’re bigger too.’
‘Fuck off, this is serious.’
‘So, why do you need my advice? Do you need me to hook you up with Hollywood’s finest plastic surgeon for a penis reduction?’
‘Don’t be a twat.’
‘Can’t help it. It’s hard-wired into my DNA. And anyway, I think Valentina finds it cute.’
Rory thought about Charlie’s fiancée. He was glad his friend had finally found someone who truly loved him.
‘You still there?’
‘Yeah,’ Rory replied. ‘I need to ask for your advice.’
‘So you said.’
‘But I don’t want you to laugh or take the piss.’
‘Mate, you know I can’t promise that.’
‘Fine—’
‘Hang on. I’ll be serious. Come on, out with it.’
Rory sighed. ‘Okay, here’s the deal. Pregnancy is less fun than five days in a foxhole with food poisoning. Zoe’s knackered, feels sick the whole time and the only time she feels okay is when she’s asleep, sometimes when she eats, or if she’s having an orgasm. There’s no fucking way my cock is going anywhere near her until the baby’s out, so I need some alternatives.’
‘Fuck my life. Your fingers? Your tongue?’
‘If I’m involved, she’ll want it all.’
‘The earl’s sausage as well as the side dishes?’
Rory raised his eyes to the heavens. ‘You are such a dick.’
‘Yes, but right now, the problem isyourdick. Have you spoken to Zoe about all this?’
