Page 121 of An Unholy Affair
Jack closed his eyes, remembering Kieran from the church a couple of weeks ago.Okay, God, you’ve made your point.
When he opened them again, Kieran was smiling at him. ‘You don’t have to speak,’ he said. ‘Is this your first time?’
He nodded.
‘Want to come in?’
There was a moment of silence whilst his internal universe rearranged itself. Then he nodded again. ‘Yes.’
Jack followed Kieran and joined the circle, wondering if he was having an out-of-body experience. He glanced around the group as Kieran spoke. Everyone seemed so normal.What did you expect?His mind wandered to Eveline, and how she might have experienced her first meeting.
‘… And we have a new face today,’ said Kieran. ‘Would you like to introduce yourself?’
Jack felt all eyes on him. But they weren’t questioning or judgemental, they were empathetic and supportive.
Come on. You’ve got nothing to lose.He cleared his throat. ‘Hi, I’m Jack. I didn’t plan on being here today, but, er, five minutes ago, I asked God to give me a sign and show me what to do. That’s when I saw Sal drop her keys and I followed her in here.’
That was the easy part of the story. Where he went next was anyone’s guess.
‘I haven’t had a drink for eleven days, and never thought I had a problem…’ He rubbed his hand over his face and sighed, realisation and acceptance sinking like a stone into the deep well of his chest. ‘But now I’m coming to see that I’ve been using alcohol as a crutch for a very long time, and I need to know that I can live without it. So, er… My name is Jack Newton, and I’m an alcoholic.’
25
Standing outside the rectory’s back door, Jack knocked. The heavy weight had gone from his chest, leaving only emptiness behind. He had no energy left to fill the void and couldn’t expect Eveline to do it, even though he ached for her.
She opened the door, a look of surprise on her face. ‘Why did you knock? It’s not locked.’
She was so beautiful. So good. His heart hurt.
‘Jack? What’s happened?’ She reached out and took his hand.
‘I think—’I’m not good enough for you? I’m not the man you deserve? I can’t give you what you need?
She pulled on his fingers to bring him into the house, shutting the door behind him.
‘Do you need a hug?’
He nodded, and she drew him into her arms.
Exhaling some of the sadness away, Jack breathed in deeply, filling his lungs with Eveline’s sweet scent. She didn’t let go, continuing to hold him, as his brittle edges softened, and warm honey filled his veins.
‘I’m not good enough for you,’ he whispered, only aware he’d externalised his thoughts after he’d spoken.
She pulled her head back to look at him—her gaze full of compassion. ‘I thought I’d kissed all those silly ideas out of your handsome head.’
He smiled. ‘They keep on coming.’
‘What happened today?’
He didn’t want to tell her about Simon’s fuckwittery, nor yet about his first AA meeting. He didn’t want her to worry, and his admission to himself about his alcoholism felt too raw to share right now. Eveline would never say the words, ‘I told you so’, but his subconscious supplied them for him.
‘It’s been an intense few weeks,’ he eventually said. ‘And I think it’s just all coming to a head. The differences between you and me just feel…’
She drew herself up. ‘Right, that’s it.’ She pulled his jacket off his shoulders. ‘Take off your shoes.’
When he did, she grabbed his hand and marched him through the house and up the stairs to her room.
‘You don’t have to—’ he began.
