Page 59 of An Unholy Affair
‘Maybe.’
He filled the bucket, then carried it to the pigpen, where Pinky and Perky were squealing with excitement at the prospect of food.
‘Please spread it out in their trough.’
Leaning over the fence, he poured it in, then frowned. ‘Who’s been doing this for you whilst your arm’s been out of action?’
Eveline didn’t know how to reply, so deflected. ‘The funeral was for a gentleman who was six foot six, and the coffin was the best part of seven feet long.’
Jack held the empty bucket up, pointed at it, and gave her a look.
‘Do you want to hear the rest of the story?’ she asked.
‘On one condition.’
She bit the inside of her cheek, trying to keep the smile off her face. ‘Anothercondition?’
‘Yes. They’re like buses. You wait ages for one, then three come along all at once.’
‘And what isthisone?’
‘Tell me what the pigs eat and when, and I’ll do it until I see a note from the doctor clearing you for manual labour.’
‘You don’t have time—’
‘Yes, I do. It’s important.’
Reflexively, she touched her bandaged arm. Ithadbeen difficult to handle the pigs. He stared pointedly at the sling. She dropped her hand.
‘Thank you, Jack. That would be a great help.’
His shoulders relaxed. ‘Okay, so we’ve got a giant coffin and a narrow turning circle. What happened next?’
He looked like a cheeky schoolboy, his eyes sparkling with barely contained mirth.
She glanced around the empty garden and lowered her voice, just in case. ‘Well, they got stuck halfway around. They tried lifting the coffin over their heads, but weren’t strong enough. The lead pallbearer tripped on the front pew and dropped his corner, then the man behind him went down as well. Unfortunately, the lid wasn’t secured and it… It fell into the front pew along with the flowers, injuring four of the mourners…’
Jack’s face contorted as he tried to hold in his laughter.
‘But that wasn’t the worst part. The, er, deceased, also fell out of the coffin. Jack! You can’t laugh!’
But there was nothing she could do or say to stop him. He dropped the bucket and held his sides, his face scrunched up as he howled with laughter.
‘Jack!’
He shook his head and held his hand out, as if asking for a moment to compose himself. He seemed to get his breath back, then caught her eye and set off laughing even harder.
Grabbing the bucket, she took it back to the feed bin, allowing a smile to escape when her back was turned. Her heart filled to see him happy again.
‘Sorry, sorry, Eveline,’ he managed as he caught her up. ‘Here, let me do this.’ He wiped the tears from his eyes and hung the bucket on a hook. ‘Okay, you might as well start my first lesson. Apart from this dry food, what else do pigs eat?’
13
‘They’ll eat literallyanything?’ Jack asked Eveline as they re-entered the rectory and made their way to the kitchen. ‘Even us?’
‘Oh yes. There have been several documented cases of pigs eating humans,’ she replied, moving towards the kettle.
‘Here, let me do that.’ He took it from her and went to the sink. ‘What, like in a mafia-murdery kind of way?’
