Page 34 of Wedding Games
‘Oi! Magic Mike! You broke my bloody nose off!’
You Can Keep Your Hat Onby Tom Jones started playing, and out of the corner of her eye, Zoe saw the man in painter’s overalls dancing like a dad with two left feet next to a Bluetooth speaker.
‘Derek! Stop!’ Fiona cried.
Zoe heard the policeman’s voice in her ear. ‘I’m arresting you—’
Fiona bent over. ‘Fuck! I’m going to be—’ she started, before vomiting all over the ground.
6
Friday – One day before the wedding
This was Zoe’s second time behind bars at Inverness police station, and she hoped it was her last. Thanks to Barbara, she’d been arrested the previous year for a litany of crimes including attempted murder. Now it was for being drunk and disorderly and assaulting a police officer. Unfortunately, this time she was guilty on all counts.
‘Derek is a wallpaper stripper,’ Fiona said sadly for what seemed like the millionth time.
She’d also been detained, alongside Sam. The three women now sat, minus their belongings and shoes, in a cell that smelled worse than they did. Valentina had escaped the long arm of the law and had been able to alert their other halves sooner rather than later that the hen night had not ended particularly well.
‘He wasn’t going to show you his tadger,’ Fiona continued.
Despite having emptied the contents of her stomach onto the street and an officer of the law, Fiona seemed most unhappy that her hilarious idea to get a painter and decorator to dance for Zoe hadn’t gone according to plan.
Derek was an old friend of Duncan’s but had been delayed getting into town. He was further side-tracked when he stopped to help the girl who had fallen and cut herself on broken glass.
‘It’s okay,’ Zoe replied. ‘I’m just sorry I lost your dress.’
Fiona puffed out her cheeks. ‘I don’t want it back. I think a night rubbing up against Josh will have soiled it beyond repair.’
‘I can’t believe he did an impression of a helicopter with his dick.’
‘That’s nothing,’ yawned Sam. ‘You should have seen the key grip onElm Tree Laneat a party. He once decorated his as a minion.’
The three women giggled and then lapsed into a sad silence.
Zoe felt terrible every way possible. Physically, she’d reached the hungover state where instant death seemed preferable to continued life, and emotionally, she was wracked with guilt. Apparently PC Killen had met Rory, Charlie, Jamie, and Duncan earlier when they’d caused a breach of the peace. He’d let them off as he was at the start of his shift and feeling generous. However, at the end of it he wasn’t feeling so charitable. At the very best they were spending the night in the cells. At worst? Who knew? They hadn’t managed to nap, still too drunk, wired, and worried.
Just after nine in the morning, the cell door opened and a female officer entered. She smiled at them kindly. That was all it took for the three felons to burst into tears.
‘I’m so sorry!’ wailed Zoe.
‘We’ll never drink again!’ cried Sam.
‘My son’s got a criminal for a mum!’ howled Fiona.
‘It’s okay,’ she said. ‘We don’t think you’re likely to be repeat offenders, and PC Killen is unharmed. We won’t be pressing any charges this time.’
This made the women cry even more.
Ten minutes later their possessions were returned to them and they were escorted into reception, where Rory, Jamie, and Duncan were waiting. The three men rose to their feet as the women shuffled forward.
Jamie opened his arms for Sam, but she leapt back. ‘Don’t come any closer! I stink!’
He hesitated.
‘And I threw up,’ added Fiona to Duncan.
Zoe caught Rory looking at her outfit, his brow furrowed.
