Page 78 of Christmas Chaos
18
TABI
Anurse has a camera pointed at me and I’m holding all the assorted things when Poppy comes into the room. I drop them. I’m sitting with a nurse and a case worker, and I can’t stop my leg from bouncing. I breathe in and touch my tummy. At least I’m not totally alone. She’s holding a tiny thing in a white blanket with a blue and pink stripe. He doesn’t look like much. His eyes are closed and he’s super squishy. And he has a really stupid hat that doesn’t fit him right on his head. Why do that to a kid? Start him out in life wearing a beanie.
The nurse nudges me, and I realize I’m supposed to hold him. I’ve forgotten everything. I hold up my finger and lean over to a tiny garbage can and vomit. I wipe my mouth and outstretch my hands. The nurse rushes to me and cleans them, then pats me on the back. I glance at Poppy and her eyes are wide as she approaches. Her eyes are always wide but there’s more wonder in them.
I reach out and she gives me the baby, then I look at her and nod. She starts sobbing and places her hand on my stomach and although it’s not ‘Gouda’ making me sick, somehow, she knows. I nod to her, and she gasps. You better fucking gasp, I mean, this shit is insane.
I look down and pull him close to me and say, “What’s up? I’m your mom. Oh my God. I’m your mom. I’m somebody’s mom. Don’t leave, ok? I’m going to get better at this.”
The nurse puts her arm around me. “You’re already better at this.”
Poppy holds her hands over her heart. “Better than you know.”
I look down and it’s more than I can bear. Like I want to wrestle the world for him. Make sure no one fucks with him, and he gets everything. The pieces of my own childhood lock into place and I understand everything about Costas and Goldie that I never did before. All of their bullshit was just to protect me.
The kid is fedand changed. He even opened his dark eyes. They’re like mine. His hair is dark and sparse like my dad’s, and his wide nose is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. They tell me his pigmentation will darken over the next month or so. We don’t know how dark his skin will get and it really doesn’t matter. But there is a little thrill that goes through me again that he’s a boy. We settle the nameless kid into his seat and jump in the car.
Traffic is horrific. I take about one thousand pictures, but I don’t want to text anyone until he’s met his father. I’m holding onto the video so I can be there when he sees him for the first time. I don’t even want Bax to see him in a picture before he meets him. He’s so fucking cute. I love him so much. My nameless kid. I’ve been at the hospital for a couple of hours and now it’s close to six p.m. I’m never getting home because of traffic. It’s too much.
We’re about an hour and only two miles into our journey when Poppy sits up a little straighter. The car begins to power down and she eases out of traffic to the sidelines.
“What?” No. This can’t be happening. Thank God the kid is sleeping. I’m in the back with him holding his foot. It’s my favorite part of him, so far.
“Calm.”
“No.” I lean forward.
“Calm down, Tabi.”
“What is it?” I say with all the calm I can muster and that’s not much today.
“Um. You know how, um, sometimes, I forget things.”
“Like what?!”
“Like gas.”
“Oh shit.” I look out the window at the highway and its solid traffic in both directions. There’s no way anyone could get to us. Fuck. We’re close to an exit, but I can’t leave the kid. “My new car is out of gas.”
Poppy turns around sheepishly. “I’m so sorry. I’m a mess. I’m a mess about it. I’ll make it up to you. I’ll walk and get gas.”
I can’t make her do that. Shit. “Can we call an UBER?” I look at my phone and the closest car is an hour and half away. I have to get back to Sonoma. Bax needs to meet his kid. It’s fucking Christmas Eve.
“No car. Um. Think.”
“Poppy. Help me get the kid out of the thing.”
“Car seat?”
“Yes. That thing.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going to haul him in this bucket thing, we’re going to walk to that exit, find a restaurant, probably puke on the way, and figure this shit out.”
“But all the exhaust fumes will hurt him.”
“We live in California, in a tinderbox of a wildfire area. His lungs never had a chance.”
“I’ll carry everything else.” She puts up her hood, and I nestle the kid down with the extra blankets. And who knew the hat would come in handy?
She slings the diaper bag over her shoulder and our bags. I start hauling the kid. I take a quick picture of our insane journey to… I look up and the closest exit is Jingletown. Of course, it is. Ho muthafucking ho.
