Page 65 of Christmas Chaos
15
TABI
Goldie is a mess. She’s driving me crazy and Yia Yia’s in the back of the car. She’s like 120 years old. We have no idea. Her skin is so leathery it’s hard to actually tell her age. For all I know she could be sixty and my mother’s sister instead of her mom. I lean into the car.
“Tabitha, we have much to do for the babe.” I roll my eyes and she admonishes me. “That is no way to be a mother.”
“Pretty sure I’m not going to be the mother you expect.”
My father’s voice booms from the driver’s seat as he chuckles, “You will be exactly what we expect.”
Yia Yia puts her hands up in celebration. She’s wearing a yellow slicker. It’s not raining. When her arms go up, I notice she’s not wearing anything else.
“Where are Yia Yia’s pants?”
My mother claps her hands. “Who has time for pants when there is a baby coming. And soon. The baby that will be my grandbaby. The one who will need things. Yia Yia is fine in her slicker coat. The baby needs gifts, now.”
And that is how I will get my parents out of my hair today.
I gesture to them. “Then by all means go and get them. The three of you go get all the gifts the baby will need. I give you my blessing. Hail Mary, full of grace the lord is with thee.”
My father smiles and says, “Blessed are the fruits of thy womb.”
My mother looks at him and does her anti-curse hiss. “Tut, tut, tut.” Then she spits on the ground. “Her womb is not where this baby is coming from. Do not curse her womb further.”
This ethnic road show needs to pull out. “You can’t go shopping with Yia Yia like that.”
“The slicker coat covers her fine. We’ll buy her pants at the T.J. Maxx.” Goldie loves a bargain.
“Go and get all the gifts. I don’t know what the fuck Frankincense is but go get some of that too. It can’t hurt.” My mother shrieks she’s so excited, hopefully this should keep her busy. Yia Yia is dancing in the backseat. “Have fun, kids. And don’t forget to cover up Yia Yia’s leathery cooch before I lose my breakfast. I’m headed to work.”
My mother smacks my arm, “But you have a baby coming.”
“And a winery to run. And a house to uncondemn and parents who need to go buy the baby boy some things.” I shift my legs. I’m so uncomfortable and fucking sore from the aftermath of falling through a floor and some rough sex. Sex. Are we ever having that again? I hear a newborn can cramp that little habit.
My father’s voice pulls me back to reality, he chuffs, “JES!” Then he makes a fist and pulls it back. He was raised in a family of brothers and—even though now I know I’m not a disappointment to him at all—he loves boys.
Yia Yia runs from the car as everyone is buckling in and sprints across Elle and Josh’s lawn. Their house is way up on a hill with a private drive coming up from their winery. Not sure where she’s going but she found a plastic crown.
I start scream singing her walk out song. Yes, she has one, and it was the mistake of my life giving it to her. She won’t go anywhere without it. But she does respond instantly by dancing. She thinks they’re saying “Yia Yia” instead of “Yeah Yeah.” I use it to my advantage. “Take that, rewind it back…” And she freezes. Then she saunters back to me as I roll through all the lyrics. By the time she arrives she’s rapping the Ludacris part. I sing along to the line, ‘freak in the bed’. Then we strap her into the car with the crown firmly on her head.
My father yells as they pull down the driveway, “We’ll go to the shopping. Then you meet us with the baby.”
* * *
I inch openthe door to Pro/Ho’s tasting room. It used to be a long shed, but we built it out. There’s a bar that David created, made of all the license plates we pulled from the grounds as we built out our winery. His sculptures are kind of awesome. He has a red blend releasing in the spring with a replica of our bar on its label. He’s calling the wine “Side Hustle.”
I flip on all the Christmas lights and prep for visitors. I glance out the window and see the remains of my house. I pull out my phone while I work. I play my favorite new Christmas album. They all hate it, but I LOVE Leslie Odom Jr. I’m the only one who roots for Burr when we watch Hamilton.
My phone rings and unless it’s Becca, Bax or Elle, I’m not biting today. It’s the hospital with a follow-up or a billing question, I’m sure. It can wait, I need to update some people on my current sitch.
TABI: Who’s up for some shocking fucking news?
BEN: Happy Christmas, everyone.
TABI: That’s all well and fine, Ben, but I have actual news.
RORY: Bit busy but what?
