Page 23 of Christmas Chaos
Fuck my life. They really did have that dynamic going on.
‘So!’ Zoe said brightly. ‘Your shaman?’
‘Yeah, man! I met him at an Ayahuasca retreat. He’s been watching you for me. That’s how we know how far along you are.’
‘That,’ continued Barbara, ‘and some basic mathematics.’
‘What else has Jesús said about my pregnancy?’ asked Zoe. Her hands had crept protectively over her belly. Rory stepped closer to her side.
‘You’re having a boy, and I’m going to be at the birth,’ Brad replied.
Silence.
‘It’s a little bracing this afternoon and we have been waiting a while,’ said his mother. ‘Shall we adjourn inside for a cup of tea?’
They satacross the table from each other. Zoe chatted with his mother, appearing to have made the decision to ignore Brad’s proclamation for the insanity it was. Rory, on the other hand, was engaged in a desperate battle to subdue his inner caveman. He thought he’d come to terms with his mother marrying the Hollywood star but imagining Brad present whilst Zoe gave birth made the green mist descend and his caveman Hulk out.
‘So, Zoe dear, how are you feeling?’
Considering how much his mother had hated Zoe in the past, this pleasant side of her was unnerving.
‘Still very tired and a bit sick, to be honest, but okay, I suppose? I don’t really know what to expect.’
‘Well, Bradley and I don’t want to tread on your toes, but we are very keen to help in any way, especially with the logistics.’
‘Logistics?’ Zoe asked.
‘Yes, we’ll draft the official announcement and handle the press release. I’ve already provisionally booked a room at the family’s private hospital in Edinburgh for the delivery, and I’m thrilled to say I’ve already researched the correct name for the baby.’
‘The name?’ Zoe’s voice went up a register.
‘Of course you won’t know the family tradition, but it’s terribly complicated. It took me hours with a genealogist to ensure Rory was named correctly. However, Bradley took me to the Scottish Highland Institute of Tartan Excellence in Los Angeles, and they did it on a computer in a matter of minutes.’ She took a piece of paper out of her bag and put it on the table in front of them. ‘No need to thank me, dear. It was my pleasure.’
They stared at the printout.
‘Stuart Uisdan Murdock Oengus,’ said Zoe, faintly.
‘Yes, but Uisdan is pronounced Ooshdan,’ said Barbara. ‘And Oengus has more of an “uh” sound, likefungus.’
‘Barbara Euphemia Grissel Anabald?’
‘I know you’re carrying the heir,’ his mother continued.’ But just in case, I’ve included the correct name for a girl.’
‘Barbara?’
‘Yes, the first-born female is always named after the paternal grandmother.’
There was a short silence, then Zoe started to laugh.
When Zoe was in very stressful situations, she burst into hysterical laughter. But it wasn’t funny to her; it was panicked, painful and uncontrollable.
Rory held her shaking hands in his. ‘Look at me. Breathe with me.’
Her whole body was convulsing as she hyperventilated, desperately trying to draw in air.
‘Aha, ahaha, ahahahaha!’
‘In through your nose, out through your mouth. You’re okay.’
