Page 19 of Christmas Chaos
‘Yep, they’re bigger too.’
‘Fuck off, this is serious.’
‘So, why do you need my advice? Do you need me to hook you up with Hollywood’s finest plastic surgeon for a penis reduction?’
‘Don’t be a twat.’
‘Can’t help it. It’s hardwired into my DNA. And anyway, I think Valentina finds it cute.’
Rory thought about Charlie’s fiancée. He was glad his friend had finally found someone who truly loved him.
‘You still there?’
‘Yeah,’ Rory replied. ‘I need to ask for your advice.’
‘So you said.’
‘But I don’t want you to laugh or take the piss.’
‘Mate, you know I can’t promise that.’
‘Fine—’
‘Hang on. I’ll be serious. Come on, out with it.’
Rory sighed. ‘Okay, here’s the deal. Pregnancy is less fun than five days in a foxhole with food poisoning. Zoe’s knackered, feels sick the whole time and the only time she feels okay is when she’s asleep, sometimes when she eats, or if she’s having an orgasm. There’s no fucking way my cock is going anywhere near her until that baby’s out, so I need some alternatives.’
‘Fuck my life. Your fingers? Your tongue?’
‘If I’m involved, then she’ll want it all.’
‘The earl’s sausage as well as the side dishes?’
Rory raised his eyes to the heavens. ‘You are such a dick.’
‘Yes, but right now the problem is your dick. Have you spoken to Zoe about all this?’
‘No.’
‘Don’t you think you should?’
‘I don’t want to. She’s overwhelmed with being pregnant and her plans for bloody fucking Christmas.’
‘Is that the song by The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl?’
Rory ignored him. ‘I’m trying to keep it together for her right now. She’s the one with the hard job, she doesn’t need my bullshit. There’s plenty to take me away from the cabin, so I need to get her some, erm, toys...’
‘You don’t have any already?’
‘What? Fuck no.’
‘Seriously? Mate, you’re missing a trick. They’re not competition, they’re fun. A rabbit is your friend, not your foe.’
‘A rabbit? What the fuck are you on about? I want a vibrator, not another pet.’
Charlie’s laugh was so loud, Rory had to hold the phone away from his ear.
‘Mate, you’re fucking priceless,’ Charlie guffawed.
‘Look, are you going to help me or not?’
The sound of Charlie slapping himself echoed down the line, and the laughter stopped. ‘Ahem. Yes, Mr Charlie Hamilton is here to save the day. Now, let’s start with specifications.’
