Page 18 of Christmas Chaos
TABI: And you think because you tossed your caber too far, she’s doomed?
RORY: The bleed started when we were having sex.
TABI: I hate to break it to you, or any man, but your penis doesn’t have magical powers.
TABI: And congratulations! Yes, I know it’s early days, but this is amazing news!
RORY: Thanks. Keep it to yourself.
TABI: Can’t. Have to tell Yia Yia so she’ll shut the fuck up. And I will probably tell Bax, I tell him everything.
RORY: Fine. No one else in your bleeding gigantic circle.
TABI: Where’s Zoe now? Have you told her your tremendous scary cock theory?
RORY: She’s talking to her mum. And no, she’s got enough to deal with without more of my crap.
TABI: She married you. She’s used to your crap. Don’t keep it in. I’m here. Everything happens for a reason. Even the pain of carrying around your tree trunk of a peen.
Rory rang Charlie.He didn’t care what time it was in LA.
He picked up just as Rory was expecting it to go to voicemail.
‘This had better be good,’ Charlie said, his voice gravelly. ‘I’ve got a photoshoot in the morning and need my beauty sleep.’
‘I need some advice.’
‘Huh? No attempt at a witty comeback? No slagging offCosmopolitan’sSexiest Man of the Year?’
‘Not this time.’
There was a pause.
‘Fuck, okay. Hang on.’
Rory heard a slapping sound.
‘Right,’ said Charlie, sounding much more alert. ‘I’ve deployed stage one of waking myself up. How can I help?’
‘I’m at the hospital. Zoe’s nine weeks pregnant and had a massive bleed last night. The baby’s okay, but it’s all my fault.’
There was silence, then the sound of Charlie slapping his face again.
‘That’s a lot to unpack,’ he began. ‘First up, congrats, knew you had it in you. Second, is Zoe okay? Third, can I tell Valentina? And fourth, how the actual fuck is it your fault?’
Rory’s heart felt too heavy for his chest. ‘Zoe doesn’t have to stay in the hospital and says she’s fine, but who really knows? You can tell Valentina, but please keep it from her family or the whole bloody world will know.’ He sighed. ‘And it’s my fault because it happened when we were having sex.’
‘Is that what the doctor said?’
‘Not in so many words, but Zoe’s got a heart-shaped uterus which can make a pregnancy risky. And…’
‘Ye-es?’
‘You know,’ Rory replied, testily, ‘I’ve got a big cock.’
Charlie snorted. ‘Not as big as mine, mate.’
‘Bollocks.’
