Page 71 of Christmas Chaos
He straightens his shoulders as if he’s making an emphatic statement. “Your mother and I will sleep in the camper.”
I toss my keys in my purse and turn back towards him, “What FUCKING CAMPER?”
“Don’t you swear at me. The camper that I’ve always dreamed of buying.”
I put my hands on his shoulders, “Do not buy an RV because our piece-of-shit dream house imploded. We’ll figure this out. I’ll call you later after I have the kid. Take the women and go have a fabulous lunch. Or go buy more stuff for your grandbaby.” His eyes flood, he really is a silly goat. “I love you, Baba. But I’m serious, go away, Dad. I do not have time for the Greeks today.”
My father nods sharply once and kisses me on the forehead then leaves. I wave to my mother who is still crying from happiness and toss a hunk of cheese down my throat. Who cares about the cheese bloat now? I don’t even slice it. I just eat this Vella Dry Jack cheese like it’s an apple. David hasn’t called so I have no idea what the fuck is going on over there.
I answer my phone while chewing and without pretense, Becca utters, “Tabitha, we need for you to go to the hospital right now.”
“Now. Now. Bax isn’t answering his phone. Baxter. I have to find Bax. This is too soon.” Becca’s not only our lawyer, but our court-appointed case worker. Becca got certified so we wouldn’t have to deal with a stranger if this all ever came up. Her tone shifts when I don’t say anything else.
“Wake up, Tabi!!! TABI! This is it. Baxter is dealing with another legal issue for the city. He’ll join you there as soon as possible, but we have to go get your baby! Be ready to leave in ten minutes.”
“I’m at Elle and Josh’s.”
Becca Gelbert is never this excited; she’s the opposite of her brother. Even though they’re both gorgeous, ginger and tall, that’s where the similarities end. She’s the most reserved of us all. In fact, she’s usually the grumpiest of us all.
I hold my stomach, breathe in sharply and call Bax. He doesn’t answer.
“MUTHAFUCKER. Call me. Call me. We have to head to Oakland now. The baby is ready. Is that a thing? Like takeout? Ma’am, your baby’s ready for pick up. Call me. Please. I love you. Let’s go meet our kid.” I text while throwing up the cheese. I’m out of the first trimester so I shouldn’t be throwing up like this, but I’m so nervous.
TABI: You have to stop the city shit. You have to come to Josh and Elle’s NOW. Becca is picking us up in like ten minutes.
I start running around the room fixing pillows and arranging things on the tables. Elle will be pissed. She likes things very particular, but I need something to do. I wish someone were here. I’m a wreck and Becca’s not really the emotional support I need.
TABI: Hey. Anyone. I’m freaking out. It’s time. It’s time to go get the baby. And other things have happened. And I don’t know where I’m sleeping, and I realize now this is probably the most vulnerable I’ve been with you people.
SABRINA: What can I do? Do you want to be snarky to me? Will that help?
TABI: A little.
SABRINA: Patrick just asked me to move in with him. I’m thinking about it.
TABI: Really? You’re in love with him and that city is fucking expensive. If you don’t move in with him for lust and fucking, at least do it for the real estate.
SABRINA: Feel better?
TABI: A little.
SABRINA: Good. I said yes, just wanted to give you something to snark about.
BEN: I’m thinking of getting a mullet haircut.
TABI: You go achy breaky. Let your redneck freak flag fly.
JONATHAN: We’re renaming the farm Paradise City.
TABI: Where the grass is green, and the girls are pretty? That’s the dumbest fucking idea I’ve ever heard. Do you know you’re only going to attract metal heads and nudists?
TRISTAN: Sherilyn and I have decided to finance Axle’s new business. He’s venturing into crypto coin—he’s calling it, Axle’s Serious Scratch.
TABI: He’s calling it A.S.S.? Cuz that’s a sound investment. Seems like a solid future for the two of you. I’m sure you’ll be happy while you’re poor. At least you’ll have a souped-up airbrushed piece-of-shit art car to live in.
RORY: I’m breathing.
TABI: And that’s quite enough out of you, Highland Fling. Tuck your caber under your kilt and shut the hell up.
