Page 92 of Kissing Games
He sat up, holding her. ‘Hey, I’m fine, I was just being silly.’
She started hitting him, screaming through her tears. ‘Setenta hijueputa, güevón, pendejo!’
‘Valentina, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, love.’
You stupid fucking dickhead!He held still, letting her punches land. She was strong and he deserved the bruises. How could he have been so thoughtless? He hadn’t thought for a second about the death of her brother.
As he offered no resistance, she stopped hitting him and sat back on her heels, breathing heavily, her shoulders slumped. ‘That was not funny. That was not funny, Charlie.’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t think.’ He reached for her hands and she let him take them. He drew her into his chest and she surrendered with a sigh, holding onto him tightly. He wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled into her hair. ‘I’m so sorry, sweetheart.’ He held her as the breeze rustled the heather around them and the stars moved slowly across the sky. When she finally stirred, he let her go and she pulled out a wad of tissues and blew her nose.
‘Would you like some hot chocolate?’ he asked tentatively.
She nodded and sat back on the groundsheet.
He poured her a cup and one for himself, then sat alongside her, waiting for her to speak. To say anything.
‘Charlie, I wanted to thank you,’ she began stiffly. ‘For everything you’ve done for me.’
So here it was. The nail in the coffin. The ‘so long, and thanks for all the fish’ speech.
She looked at him. ‘I’ve had so much fun.’
Is that all?He swallowed as she continued.
‘I’ve tried things I’ve never done before. And you’ve,’ she cleared her throat, ‘you’ve been so supportive to me during some very difficult times in my life. I will never forget…’ She hesitated, as if choosing her words carefully. ‘I will never forget spending this time with you.’ She held her cup out to his and the edges touched. ‘Here’s to teenage kicks,’ she said, her voice artificially light.
They sat in silence, sipping the hot chocolate and staring out into the night. It was at least another half hour before the sun rose, but the sky was starting to brighten. He needed the drink. He needed the warmth to melt the ice crystallising around his heart. His life had been changed fundamentally by knowing her. Going forward he would always be a happier person. He would always strive to be the best possible version of himself. But there would also be the realisation that he wasn’t sharing his life with her.
Anger knotted his stomach. Why couldn’t they be together? He couldn’t let her go without fighting for her.
‘Valentina?’
‘Hmm?’ She sounded distracted.
He’d had his heart broken before. He knew the depths of pain one could go to. But he also knew he was the strongest, the most sanguine he’d ever been. And the loss of Valentina was one set in stone from the outset. He had nothing to lose by speaking his truth.
‘Valentina. I love you.’
He saw her cup shake. He let the words hang in the air. It felt good to say them out loud. To stop hiding from what was in his heart.
‘I think it happened the first time I saw you. But I was too caught up in my layers of denial and bullshit to recognise it. You’re the sweetest, kindest, cutest, funniest, cleverest, most beautiful person I’ve ever met. You’re my ultimate human.’ He paused and smiled. ‘I’ve never been happier than when I’ve been with you. I’ve never felt more me.’ He took another sip of chocolate, trying to think of the right words. She was as still as a statue. ‘I can live anywhere, Valentina. I can find work anywhere. I can live my life around your schedule—’
‘No, Charlie.’
‘Why not? I’m not expecting you to love me back. I’m just hoping you’ll give me a chance. I know I mean something to you. Give us the time for that something to become more.’
She shook her head. ‘It’s complicated.’
‘Is it? Your family seem to tolerate me. You appear happy most of the time I’m around. The rest of it – the admin, the logistics – is all surmountable. It’s just…’ He sighed. ‘Stuff.’ He looked at her profile. ‘Valentina, look at me.’
She shook her head.
Charlie rubbed his face in frustration. ‘I’m not asking you to change your life. I’m not asking you to change a fucking thing. I just want to tag along for the ride. I want to be there with you. I want to be thereforyou.’
She blinked and a tear rolled down her cheek.
He didn’t know what else to say. He was all out of words. He shifted his body and looked at the hills on the far side of the loch as the stars faded away in the predawn light.
