Page 15 of Kissing Games
He flicked through the sheaf of papers Rory had given him. He needed to work out when Valentina might be free so he could speak to her again. But first, he needed to deal with another film star and a holy man.
6
Hollywood megastar Kirsten Bjorkstrom had an entourage of two: His Holiness Vladyka Mira and personal assistant Shauna Merritt. They had been relegated to the attic rooms, however, His Holiness had snagged the biggest, which had a working fire. Charlie decided to start with him, figuring a harmless holy nutcase would be an easier job than someone who won their first Oscar aged eight.
Walking up the stairs, Bandit’s ears pricked up and he barked. Memories from Afghan came tumbling and crashing through Charlie’s mind.
‘What is it, boy? You got something?’
Bandit trotted up the rest of the stairs, down the corridor and sat beside a door. By the time Charlie reached him, even he could smell smoke. He knocked sharply. No answer. He tried the handle. Locked. He selected the skeleton key from the bunch Rory had given him and entered.
Pungent smoke filled the room. Sitting cross-legged on the bed, eyes closed, was the man he presumed was His Holiness. A long black cassock had ridden up above his knees as he sat, revealing long, pale, spindly legs covered in black hair and large feet with yellowing toenails. His face was thin with dark circles under his eyes. A straggly black beard, constrained by silver rings, reached the middle of his chest. What hair he had left was pulled into a frizzy ponytail. This was the harmless holy man? It seemed they had got Rasputin after all.
Charlie cast his eyes around the room. A large bundle of leaves was smouldering in the grate. The smoke alarm had been dismantled and the battery lay on the nightstand by the four-poster bed.
‘Leave,’ intoned the figure.
Charlie ignored him. He picked the bunch of leaves from the grate, opened the nearest window, bashed the smouldering edge against the roof tiles, then threw it to the cobbles below.
‘I said leave,’ repeated His Holiness, his eyes still closed. ‘I am meditating.’
Charlie opened the rest of the windows. Bandit barked.
His Holiness opened his eyes. ‘Get it out of my room! I’m allergic!’
Bandit was sitting by a large bag. Charlie knelt beside him. ‘What have you found, boy?’
Bandit barked again and pawed the bag. His Holiness was now off the bed, extending a scarecrow arm.
‘I said get out! Don’t you know who I am?’ he spluttered, his pointy yellow fingernails vibrating with rage.
Charlie stood and made a show of looking at his notes. ‘Ah yes, here we have you. His Holiness Vlad-why-car… Hang on, His Holiness Vlad-ee-ka… Fuck it.’ He looked up. ‘Let’s stick with Vlad, shall we? Yep, that’ll do. You’re Vlad. I’m Charlie. I’m here to make sure everyone’s safe and the castle doesn’t burn down.’ He picked up the battery on the nightstand and inserted it back into the smoke alarm. ‘And if you touch that again, or put anything in the fireplace that isn’t the wood you’ve been given, you’ll be staying in the Travelodge off the Inverness ring road. Clear?’
Vlad grabbed his phone and stabbed at the screen. ‘In five minutes, you won’t have a job,’ he spat. ‘I know the earl.’
Charlie leaned back against the wall. ‘Really?’
Vlad turned his back as the call connected. ‘It’s His Holiness,’ he said into the phone. ‘One of your staff has broken into my room and destroyed personal property. His employment will need to be terminated.’ There was a pause and Vlad turned his head with a reptilian smile. ‘What’s your name?’
‘Charlie.’
‘Yourfullname.’
‘Charlie Hamilton.’
‘His name is— What did he destroy? Er, spiritual supplies.’
Vlad looked away and Charlie grinned. He couldn’t hear exactly what Rory was saying but recognised the tone.
‘But, I—’
Rory’s voice got louder, then cut off. Vlad stared at the phone in silence.
‘So,’ Charlie began conversationally, ‘it seems we both know the earl.’
‘Get out of my room,’ Vlad hissed.
Charlie called Bandit to heel. ‘I’ll get someone else to give you the safety briefing.’
