Page 24 of Cakes for the Grump
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I say to the costs of the treatments.
There are far too many zeros.
When will it stop? What if it never does?
Getting two free (stunning) meals is one thing.
Getting whisked away to an exotic location to be massaged in a way that draws inspiration from Buddhist tantric deities is another!
It feelsstringyto me in a more corporeal way. As in, if I accept this, there will come a time later when its use could more robustly rope in my cooperation to whatever secretive white whale conference business Luke is cooking up for his company.
Yes, Judge, I didn’t know I’d been bought. Yes, there was a pool massage. Yes, I was cradled in the water, my body gently stretched and positioned bymy very own attendant on silks. Yes, the grapes were floated on a platter with gold leaf-dusted caviar. Yes, I was bullied into contributing to shady business practices afterward as recompense; you know, I had no other choice.
No.
Alas, I have to be strong and cut this off before it sprouts dire consequences.
With great reluctance, I send him a text.
ME
If unaccustomed to the strange concept of friendship, one might not realize that basing its entire foundation on excessive gift-giving while pleasing to the recipient is unfortunately not conducive to thinking the giver is a good person.
That still is your intent, is it not?
In either case, I would not want to take advantage of your inexperience.
Therefore I must, in good conscience, return yourbribethoughtful gesture as it is not fair for me to take undue advantage of the situation.
As much as I would love to. Blindly. With little regard or care for your true purpose.
Attached is additional research I think you will find most helpful.
Lest anyone accuse me of actually wanting to help my employer manipulate my feelings into thinking he is a good person, my “research” is a link to a dictionary definition that very uselessly states:
Friendship (noun)
the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person’s friendship.
An hour later, he responds.
LUKE
Rita - you are the pithiest meal-prep chef I’ve ever met.
Also, it makes me deeply uncomfortable that I laughed out loud at your so-called research. I think my assistant believes me possessed.
Therefore, I had to fire someone and make them cry to maintain my reputation.
P.S. Keep the bribe. Consider it a folly that shouldn’t go to waste.
ME
You are kidding about the firing, aren’t you?
LUKE
Why?
