Page 55 of When We Breathe
The girls left over an hour ago. I spent some time eating the delicious pizza that my men sent over for me and taking a deep dive into my feelings, per my therapist’s recommendation throughout the years.
“Sit with your feelings, Alex. Let yourself experience them all and catalog them for yourself. Then move on to the next feeling.”
I guess when I started therapy, I wasn’t good at expressing emotion. Obviously, heavy emotions still make me panic.
As evidenced by my running out of that house the other day like it was on fire.
Because my emotions were on fire.
What it boils down to is, I love them. I’m learning to trust that love, and I need to allow myself to let them in. Fully. Completely.
That’s the only way this is going to work, and I sincerely, with every fiber of my being, want it to work.
I’ve just finished packing the last of my things when I hear the first rumble of thunder, and my pulse kicks up.
Summer thunderstorm.
Montana is famous for storms that come out of nowhere, and they’reviolent.Loud.
Scary for me and my siblings.
This summer has been pretty mild when it comes to storms, and the few that we’ve had haven’t hit me terribly hard. Mostly because when they happened, I was withthe guys, and their mere presence helped keep me calm. I was able to breathe through it and not cause a fuss.
But right now, I’m in this mostly empty apartment, alone, with the windows open to let the fresh air in, andoh God.
Charlie won’t stop screaming, and he tied her up far away from us so that we can’t reach her, can’t hold her and reassure her.
“Hey, baby,” Darby says with a shaky voice, “it’s just some rain. I promise, it’s not that bad. Look! We’re getting a shower outside. Isn’t that fun?”
No. No, it’s not fun, but I know she’s trying to calm our baby sister down.
It’s not working.
Charlie continues to scream, and I close my eyes, leaning my forehead against my hands, both tied to the fence post in the field.
If I just go inside my head and disappear for a while, it’ll go away.
I’m still bloody from earlier, when Dad took me out to the shed and made me watch him cut the throat of that dog. It sprayed all over me, making me shriek in horror, and then Dad punched me in the stomach to take the air out of me and make me stop.
He doesn’t like it when we show emotion. It makes him meaner.
I think he tied us out here today because I couldn’t help the scream in the shed. It’s all my fault.
Shaking, I stumble blindly into the closet in the bedroom, close the door, and hide in the corner, rocking back and forth.
Chapter Twenty-Two
GABE
Idon’t want to wait one more day to get our girl. I want to gonow.Being without her has been torture. I’m still irritated with Adam and the way he handled everything the other day, even if I understand the theory behind it. Yes, we need to know that she’s all in. But dammit, there had to be another way to go about that besides pissing her off so badly that she just bailed.
At least Jake said she looked better today, and she had her friends with her. She’s not alone, and that eases my mind, just a little.
I’ve just finished an oil change and washed my hands when I hear the first rumble of thunder.
Shit.Our girl doesn’t handle storms well. She’s better with storms than with animals, but I’ve watched her breathe her way through it when she didn’t think we noticed.
We notice everything.
