Page 77 of Ashes of the Past
I hesitate, pressing my lips together. I inhale and exhale slowly, trying to think of how to reply. It’s impossible to keep anything from her; we’ve known each other for so long that she knows all my lies.
The words knot in my throat, but they unravel in a rush when I speak. “I cried in front of him today. When I went home forlunch. And now all I can think about is that he’s never going to talk to me again because I broke in front of him.”
She exhales softly, then shakes her head with a small laugh. “Look, I’m not saying there aren’t men out there who would run the second they saw real emotions, but I don’t think Jack is that man.”
I stare at my food, pushing it around with my fork. “I think he is. Clay would have—”
“Stop right there,” she cuts in, her voice firm but not unkind. “You cannot keep expecting Jack to be like Clay. He’s not.”
I close my eyes for a second, exhaling slowly. “I know that.”
“Do you? Because it doesn’t feel like you do.”
“I do…it’s just…hard.”
“I get that. Why were you crying?” she asks, her tone gentler now.
I let out a quiet laugh, but it’s humorless. “I was just overwhelmed. It just… came out.”
She points her fork at me. “That’s the first sign he’s nothing like Clay. Because if he was, you never would have felt safe enough to let it out in front of him.”
I blow out a long sigh.
She’s right. She’s righter than right. Damn.
I don’t know what Jack is thinking, but Rachel is right about one thing—crying in front of Clay never felt like an option. He was so good about using everything against me. He would do everything in his power to gaslight and make me feel crazy, but I refused to let him see me break.
But with Jack… I hadn’t even thought about it. It had just happened.
Rachel nudges my foot under the table. “Eat your food, Brynn. And stop overthinking.”
I shake my head but pick up my fork anyway, trying to ignore the way my stomach knots at the thought of what Jack is thinking right now.
Rachel nudges my foot under the table. “Get out of your head. I’m proud of you, you know. For letting yourself be vulnerable with Jack. I know how hard that is for you.”
I let out a breath and shake my head. “I’m a little embarrassed by it, honestly.”
“You have nothing to be embarrassed about,” she says firmly.
She studies me for a long moment before tilting her head. “What else aren’t you telling me?”
Before I can stop myself, the words tumble out. “We slept together. Right before the barn caught on fire. Right before he almost died. And if we hadn’t been—” I swallow hard. “If we hadn’t been having sex, maybe the barn wouldn’t have caught on fire.”
Rachel’s expression softens, and she reaches across the table, squeezing my hand. “Don’t do that. Don’t shame yourself after finally letting someone in. That fire was out of your control. You didn’t start it.”
I press my lips together, but she doesn’t stop there.
“I know you spent a long time being told by Clay that you didn’t deserve happiness, or love, or anything good. But those were his stories, his lies that he told you to control you. And you can’t listen to them. Because they’re lies, Brynn. That fire wasn’t your fault. And Jack—he’s not Clay.”
I nod slowly, letting her words sink in, even if I don’t fully believe them yet. “I haven’t even tried to date. I don’t know the first thing about it. What if…what if Jack just wants a fuck buddy?”
“What do you want?” she asks.
“Not that. Maybe it would be easier to have that with everything I have on my plate, and I’m clearly not good at…”
“If you say you’re not good at relationships, I will throw my food at you,” Rachel interrupts teasingly. “No one is perfect, but your relationship with Clay isn’t a good representation of relationships or your capability to have one.”
“But—”
