Page 108 of Ashes of the Past
I grit my teeth. “I should be the one taking care of her. I should be the one protecting her.”
Joanne doesn’t say anything; she just lets me rant. I stand and start pacing the porch, running a hand down my face. “I fucked up, Jo. I let my guard down. I let her down. Olivia—” I stop, my chest tightening. “God, I thought she was dead.”
Joanne stands and steps in front of me, resting a hand on my back. “Jack.”
I shake my head. “I love her, Jo. I love her, and she’s pushing me away.”
“I know.” She squeezes my shoulder. “But you have to give her space.”
“I don’t want to give her space,” I snap, my frustration boiling over. “I want to be there for her. I want to hold her and tell her it’s going to be okay.”
“She won’t hear it right now. She’s back in that bad place, where she was when she was in the midst of that abusive relationship with Clay. The one she’s fought so hard to get out of. You can’t force her to let you in, Jack. You have to give her time.”
I shake my head, hands on my hips. “What if she doesn’t come back?”
Joanne takes a step closer. “She will. Her nervous system is a mess right now. I know that you think that’s a bunch of mumbo-jumbo woo-woo bull shit, but it’s true. She lived for so long in fight or flight, and she’s right back there with Clay showing up. You have to give her time to do what she needs to do to get back to her safe place.”
“I should be her safe place.”
“Yes and…no. Something like this, she has to be able to get there on her own. You are her safe place, she just needs time to remember that, okay?”
I don’t know if I believe her. But I don’t have a choice. I have to hope. Because Brynn and Olivia are everything to me, and I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose them.
I grip the edge of the rocking chair, my knuckles aching from how hard I’m holding on. I want to be in there with her, to hold her, to tell her that everything is going to be okay, but she doesn’t want me there. She looked me right in the eye and told me to stay away. And she meant it.
I exhale hard through my nose, dragging my hands down my face. Joanne lets me stew for a minute, letting her words resonate.
“How are you doing?” she asks, her voice softer than I expected. “Do you need to go to the ER? Brynn said you tackled Lane pretty hard.”
I shake my head. “I’m fine.”
She raises a brow. “Jack, be honest. If you’re hurt, you need to get checked out.”
“There’s definitely something wrong,” I admit, rolling my shoulder to shake off the stiffness, “but it’s not bad. Just from all the movement. Tackling Lane twice, taking him down hard—it’s nothing I can’t handle.”
“Then we need to take you to the ER just to make sure. I can only do so much with my animal medicine knowledge.”
“I can’t leave John here alone. His dementia is getting worse.”
She doesn’t look convinced. “Nick or one of the other guys can stay with John if you need to go get looked at. No one would blame you.”
“I said I’m fine.” My tone comes out sharper than I intend, but I don’t have the patience to argue. “I shouldn’t leave John tonight anyway.”
She studies me for a beat before sighing. “You really think it’s getting worse, don’t you?”
I nod, my jaw tightening. “Yeah. I think it’s progressing faster than Brynn wants to admit. He forgets things in the middle of a conversation. He got angry at me earlier because he thought I was Clay. He gets confused about what day it is. I could see it in the middle of everything in his eyes tonight. The way he was trying to keep up but couldn’t.”
She exhales, shaking her head. “Damn.”
“I don’t think he’s ready to admit it,” I say quietly. “But it’s happening.”
Joanne reaches over, squeezing my arm. “We’ll figure it out.”
I don’t respond, just give a slight nod. I don’t know how to figure this out, not with everything else going on.
She studies me again. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
I huff out a tired breath. “No. But I will be.”
