Page 184 of The Elusive Billionaire
Maybe that’s the problem. I haven’t done anything to deserve his devotion. If I’m completely honest, I’ve done everything possible to push him away time and time again.
The hurtful words I hurled at him the night Riley hit me with a truck take up so much real estate in my mind—the intrusive thoughts filling my every waking moment—and I don’t know how to silence them.
“What’s wrong, Savvy?” Madi drops into Grey’s chair. With only five days left until her due date, she’s swollen everywhere, but she’s scary enough that Grey finally went to check on the house and left me in her care.
“I’m struggling,” I admit.
Madi’s easy smile and kind eyes do little to ease my worries. But I love her for trying. “You’ve been through a lot.”
“I guess.”
“Can I…ask you something?” Her hesitancy puts me even more on edge because it hits home what a shitty friend I’ve been.
“Always,” I say, meaning it.
“Why didn’t you talk to us? Me and Clover, at least. We’ve known you since we were nineteen.”
Emotion saws at my throat with a rusty serrated knife.
“If you’re not ready to talk, I understand,” she says gently. “But you were my rock when Braxton’s family attacked me. You’ve been Clover’s emotional support person for eleven years. You’re the friend that stepped up and protected us anytime we couldn’t do it ourselves, but we never got the chance to be that person for you.”
She grabs a tissue and dabs at her eyes.
“Were we so self-absorbed that we completely missed the signs? I feel like we failed you in every way.”
Oh, God. Is that what they think?
“No, Madi. No.”
“Grey has alluded to you having an eating disorder, and Clover said she had suspicions. Then all this stuff with Riley, but most importantly with your family, Sav. We had no idea they were so terrible to you. You never mentioned them, and when you did, you glossed over what it was really like. The way they treated you, God, Sav. I’m so sorry.”
My shame spiral burrows deep into my chest.
I think I’m going to be sick. It’s almost thirty years of shame bubbling to the surface, wanting an escape I’ve never allowed.
“I’m sorry,” Madi says. “This can wait until you’re feeling better.” She stands, but I grasp her wrist before she can move away.
This conversation has been a long time coming.
“I think I was six when I started parenting myself…and to some extent, my parents too.” I can’t meet Madi’s eyes. I know she had a shitty childhood with her own parents that led to her moving in with Pops when she was ten, but at least she was brave enough to talk about it.
I hid behind a facade I created to make myself feel better.
“By the time I was thirteen, I was angry. Angry at my parents, angry at my circumstances, angry at every adult who had ever let me down, so I rebelled. I started going to parties, stealing stupid shit one day, food the next, meeting the wrong people.”
Madi reaches out and clasps my hand in hers.
“I met Riley when I was fifteen at a party Paige got us into. By the time I was sixteen, we were dating, and I liked that he was so much older than me. At first, he made me feel safe. He took control, and I didn’t have to worry about where my next meal would come from.”
“He groomed you, Sav.”
I nod, still unsure if that’s what actually happened or if I was just so desperate to be loved that I ignored the signs.
“About a year before the accident where Paige lost use of her legs, I felt like I’d lost control of my entire life, and I found it by controlling what I consumed. I would starve myself, then binge and purge. At one point, I was taking upward of twelve laxatives a day.”
“Oh, Savvy.” Madi squeezes my hand, and I take strength from it.
“Sometimes, I’d get hungry and talk myself out of eating because I knew I’d make myself throw up and hated that weakness. But I had this mantra—If I give Savvy a cookie, she’s going to want a Big Mac. It’s how it always worked. If I ate a plate of lettuce, it would feed my hunger just enough to turn it into a monster, and then I’d eat anything in sight.”
