I’m going to be sick.
As soon as my knees hit the tile floor of the Chug, a familiar sense of control washes over me.
I haven’t thrown up in years, but the combination of learning earlier today that Riley is now free and the image of Grey’s face as he spat the word “firefly” from his beautiful lips has me dry-heaving until my stomach cramps, my throat aches and my nostrils burn.
My carefully crafted life is starting to fall apart, and once the pieces crash this time, there won’t be any glue strong enough to put me back together again.
I messed up.
I know I did.
But it was for a good cause—at first. Then it spiraled into something I couldn’t get out of. So I did the best I could.
I supported Grey as Firefly via text and pushed him in person as Savvy until I got a clear picture of the whole broken man that he wouldn’t share with any individual person.
He needed a friend.
Greyson will never admit that, but he did, and I was there for him.
“Sav?” Clover’s voice trembles.
Shit. I didn’t bother turning on the lights. She’s probably imagining all the ways a mass murderer could lie in wait in this dark room.
“I’m here. Sorry. Something wasn’t—” I choke on a sob that startles even me.
The overhead lights flicker to life, and Clover enters the room with me. She debates sitting on the floor next to me for half a second, then reaches into her bag and pulls out a single graham cracker package and some hand sanitizer, then hands them to me.
She’s never pushed for details or asked questions about the silent battle I’ve had with food since I was a teenager, but she’s always been in silent wait, watching, helping, offering quiet support. While I’ve been happy and healthy for six years now, I understand why she’d make the jump to this being a relapse.
“I’m fine, Clover. I promise. I just had way too much coffee and not enough food. It all caught up with me.”
She tucks her thick wool coat tighter around herself. “Are you sure that’s all it is? Things have been…intense with Grey lately, and you’ve been really jumpy, almost like you expect someone to reach out and grab you at any moment.” If she only knew how likely that scenario actually was. She fans her face. “And whatever happened before Madi’s ceremony, well, that was explosive.”
Regardless of what Grey thinks, I have never and will never spill his secrets, so instead, I lie to my best friend again. “Oh, that? Pfft. He’s all wound up over being in Happiness. It’s nothing. We fight like brother and sister because we’re both button pushers who can’t help ourselves. I promise, it’s not that deep.”
The lines between Clover’s brows deepen as she stares at me.
“So his returning to California tonight doesn’t have something to do with you and him?”
I forget how to breathe.
He’s…leaving?
Rubbing my tongue along the roof of my mouth, I attempt to add enough moisture back so I can form words. It only makes my dry mouth worse.
“N—no,” I say. “I’m sure he just has an emergency to take care of.”
She quirks a brow, and I stand to avoid meeting her eyes, hand her back the sanitizer and crackers, then move to the sink because I wouldn’t believe me either.
Splashing cold water on my face does nothing to cool my overheated skin.
He’s leaving.
I know it’s because of me, but I can’t be the reason he runs away from his family. Braxton and Sage need him, and if I have to eat crow and be the person he hates more than anyone else to make that happen, then so be it.
Ignoring how painfully my heart is beating, I swallow all the usual comments I want to make about him running away and dig deep for an apology that will hopefully make him stay.
When I finish washing my hands, Clover holds out a tiny bottle of mouthwash.