Page 64 of Cross My Heart
“I always loved to lay and look at the stars,” I tell him. “No matter how bad things got in my life, I knew I was always connected to Julia through the stars.”
Dex reaches over, taking my hand in his once again. “I’m so glad you had them in your life, Lanes. They are as much a part of you as any of the bad, I’d say they are even more you than your mother. I see how you are with the girls. God, Lanie, how Tate took to you, how you got him talking almost immediately. You have so much good in you, I wish you could see how much you still have to offer,” he tells me with eyes full of love.
I’m silent for a while. We lay side by side, holding hands. “When I first came home from the hospital, I moved in with Julia. She changed my bandages every day. As they started to scar over, we would talk about connecting them like the stars. As the scars healed, they seemed to appear worse. At least to me. I stopped trying to connect them. I stopped looking at them all together. I would turn away when Jules would tend to them.”
I break for a moment, not sure how to share the rest. Counting to ten, I figure it is just best to get it out there, so I do.
“After plastic surgery, I knew the scars were as good as they were going to get, but it didn’t matter anymore. I couldn’t have children, so it didn’t matter what the outside looked like anyway. I try not to touch them when I’m in the shower, I try to pretend like they don’t exist. You’re the first person to see me besides Julia, and as much as I know you care, you couldn’t hide your disgust. I don’t blame you…”
“Wait a minute, Lanie. Just wait a minute. I want to make one thing clear, when I saw you naked, I was not disgusted. I was pissed, Lanie.” He adjusts to make sure he is facing me straight on. “I wanted to tear that guy apart with the dullest pair of scissors I could find. I have gotten off to the image of you naked more times than I care to admit. If you think anything other than that, I have failed you.”
He takes my hand and places it on his dick. “This, Lanie. This right here is what happens every single time I think of you. Every single time I imagine you or hear your voice. Do not for one minute mistake my hatred for what happened to you for anything other than it is. Everything I feel for you, I feel because of you. Who you are, what you do, what you stand for, and yes, even your scars. I go to bed thinking of you. I wake up thinking of you. Every single inch of you.”
I sit up, searching his eyes, and at this moment, I know I want him. I turn slightly, lifting my leg so I’m straddling him. He sits up, staring into my eyes.
In a husky voice, he asks, “what do you want, Lanie?”
“I-I want you to show me what you see. Show me how you see me,” I plead.
“Lanie, you have to be very clear right now. Are you asking me to touch you?” He asks me, his voice raw.
Biting my lip, I nod my head.
“Lanie, sweetheart, I need you to tell me. I need to hear you say it,” he says softly.
“I want you to touch me, Dex.” My voice is as confident as it has been all night.
“Out here? Right now?” His voice is so close I can feel it vibrate through my chest.
“Are we alone?” I ask, looking around, suddenly shy.
“Yes, the crew is in their cabin for the night. I’ll ask you again, Lanie. Do you want me to touch you out here?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Anything you don’t like, anything you are not comfortable with, just say stop and I swear to God I will stop immediately. I’m dying, literally sweating like a teenager at the thought of finally touching you. Most importantly, though, is that you understand that you will always come before my needs, you hear me? The second this,” he says, pointing between him and me, “isn’t what you want, just say stop.”
“Dex. I trust you.”
“Sweet Jesus, Lanie, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear that. Come here.” He lays me out on the top deck of the boat, gently placing me on cushions. He moves to lift his shirt over his head and I feel the need to squeeze my thighs together.
“I’m going to take your shirt off now,” he informs me. Once it's off, he sits back on his feet and looks at me while slowly lowering my shorts. I’m left in nothing but my bra and panties.
Hovering over me, he growls. “You are the sexiest thing I have ever seen, Lanie.” Painfully slowly, he lowers his mouth to my neck. “I’m going to kiss every inch of your body, then I’m going to do it again and again. By the time I am done with you, you’ll never think of your scars again.” He gently nibbles my neck, making me shiver.
My hands go to his shoulders and I take in his massive body. He is unbelievably beautiful. Running my hands down his chest to his abdomen, I feel every flex of muscle, every time he breathes, I feel his body rippling. I don’t know when he goes to the gym, but he has very clearly never missed a day.
“Lanes,” his voice is strained, and I realize he is working extremely hard at staying still to allow my exploration of him. Dropping my hands to my sides, I bring my eyes back to his. “Sweetheart, I am all for you touching me wherever the hell you want, but right now, all I really need is to show you and let you feel how much you mean to me.”
I nod my head and bite my bottom lip. I’m not positive I’m ready for this, but I want it more than anything.
“Lanie, are you okay?” the concern in his voice is so raw.
“Yes,” I say more confidently than I feel. “I-I…”
“What is it, sweetheart? Tell me what you need?” He repeats, letting me know I am in control.
“I think I have to close my eyes,” I say, suddenly feeling so ashamed.
