Page 77 of Finally Forever
I scowl. “I know pain, Sebastian. You died on me! My heart broke in ways I didn’t think was possible. My world changed completely. I lost the love of my life and was thrust into hiding in a foreign country with strangers. I survived.”
He wipes a tear sliding down my cheek. “This is hard, watching you in pain, knowing I’m causing it. I don’t know you like I did, but I know you’re hurting. I know it’s because of me, and I know I can stop it.”
“By sending me away? How will that fix anything? I’ll lose you again!” My body quakes, my emotions locked beneath my skin like a caged animal desperate to escape.
I can’t stay here.
I push off the bench and swim out of the grotto, releasing my hurt with each stroke that carries me to the other side of the pool.
Like I suspected, Nathan and Kensie are gone. I stomp up the steps and onto the pool deck. Shivering from the cold and from anger, I snatch my robe, pull it on, and stuff my feet in my slippers. I don’t look back to see what Sebastian is doing—watching me, still hidden in the grotto? I just leave, happy no one is around to see me fall apart.
In my room, I turn the water to hot in the shower and wait for steam to fill the large stall. I strip the robe and let the hot water warm my chilled bones.
I hate him. I love him. I want to shake him until he remembers. I want to touch him and love him.
“God, help me!” I scream at the ceiling and regret it at once.
What if someone thinks I’m hurt? What if they come to check on me?
They won’t. I wasn’t that loud. They’re sleeping. I’m fine.
I’m not fine. I’m breaking.
I’ve been through worse.
I can handle this.
I’m tired and hurting.
I miss Sebastian.MySebastian.
I rest my forehead on the tile wall, the hot water cascading over my body.
The door to the bathroom clicks open.
I don’t bother looking to see who it is. I’m naked. I should care.
A moment passes. No one speaks. Did whoever was here leave?
Big warm hands slide around my waist and ease me back against his strong body. Sebastian holds me while I cry. I don’t know why. I can’t work it out in my head right now. I need to feel this, to let it out.
He kisses the top of my wet hair. “I’m sorry.”
I wipe my nose. “I know you’re only saying that to try to make me feel better. I appreciate it, but I’d rather you not say it unless you mean it. And this version of you now doesn’t mean it.”
“I do. You’re hurting, and I’m sorry that you are.” He sighs. “I’m fucked up. I’ve always been. I don’t know love. You show me love. I know why, but I don’t understand it. I push away anything that touches me inside. You’re doing that. It scares me because I don’t remember us. I’m afraid to remember.”
It’s the most honest he’s been to me. The most open.
I turn in his arms. That familiar torment from his past pinches his features, his beautiful eyes showing more emotions than they have in weeks. “I understand.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t understand this. You forgive so easily. Why?”
“I love you. I can’t stop. I don’t know how to any more than you don’t know how to remember. You’re a part of me. You’re the most important part of me. I know your pain and suffering. I know your scars and their stories. I know what you did to break free and why. I know how hard you fought to get back to me after you died. Your story is my story. It has been for a long time. I’ll fight for us, even if it kills me.”
He holds my gaze and my body. “I don’t deserve you.”
“Yes, you do.”
