Page 77 of Losing Forever
The mind is a creative, powerful tool. You can use it to build a fictional world around yourself and live in it, believing your perception is reality. At the end of the day, maybe when you lay your head on your pillow, the truth flashes in your mind. You can push the truth away and live in your false reality, or you can have the courage to let go of what you’ve been using as a shield to feel safe and to keep from hurting. Both are a choice. Ever since the accident, I’ve worked hard to follow the truth, no matter how difficult the path. I shouldn’t start using shields now.
I inhale a deep breath, hug Grayson and this house for the last time, and do what needs to be done in order to move forward. The first step is the hardest and I feel as though I’ve just taken it.
I force myself to release Grayson and wipe my cheeks. “Thank you for everything you’ve done. Without you, I might not be here. I certainly wouldn’t be here as the me I am now, which in part I owe to you.”
Grayson straightens away, his eyes guarded. “What are you doing?”
I step back and lock my fingers together. “I’m letting you and the house go. I’m ready.”
“You’re getting rid of me?” he asks with disbelief. Maybe with anger, too.
“You’ve been pulling away ever since we got here. I’m not mad, but I don’t want to keep you here out of obligation. I’m a big girl, Grayson, and as much as I love your company, I don’t need it, if that’s what you think. When I make up my mind, I become determined to follow through.”
His lips tighten. “And you’ve made up your mind about this?”
“Tell me I’m wrong about you wanting to leave?” I hold his gaze.
He opens his mouth, closes it, and bows his head. “It’s not you, Braylee. It’s me. I’m fucked up.”
“You’re not fucked up. You’re dealing with a lot. I don’t blame you for how you feel.”
He scoffs and steps back. “Stop being so fucking understanding. I’m a dick, and my problems are nothing compared to what you deal with.”
“I’m not going to hate you, if that’s what you want. I won’t. I can’t. I l—”Love you.I swallow the words. “I’m letting you go deal with your life in whatever way you need to, and I’m going to deal with mine.”
He runs his hand through his golden-brown hair, his expression torn. “I wish I could be who you need.”
“You have been. In so many ways. I wish you could see that.”
“We work together.” He looks distraught. “What are we supposed to do? Ignore each other now?”
“I want to be friends. I just need some time.”
He shakes his head and backs up more. “I can’t be just friends with you. I can’t be near you and not—” Unshed tears glisten in his eyes. He turns away. “Fuck. This is why I don’t get close to anyone. They always leave.”
“I’m not leaving you, Grayson.” I walk to him to touch his arm but think better of it. “I just need some time to close this chapter of my life.”
“Well, I’m going to need time, too!”
I didn’t expect anger from him. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I thought you’d feel off the hook.”
The muscles in his back flex with his huffier breathing. “I don’t know what I feel. But you’re right, I can’t stay here. Not anymore.” He storms out of the room.
“Grayson, wait!” I follow him.
The doorbell rings. Who in the world could be here?
The food! I remember with a gasp.
I scramble downstairs to the front door. Grayson is already on the other side of the house. After getting our breakfast, I set it on the kitchen island and race to the guest room we’ve been sharing.
As I suspected, he’s packing. “At least eat your breakfast before you leave. You ordered a lot of food. It’ll go to waste if you don’t eat it.” I can use the time to talk to him and calm him down.
“I’m not hungry.”
“You’re always hungry.”
“Drop it, Braylee. I’m not in a good place right now. I’m feeling shit I’m not ready to deal with. You said you wanted me to leave. Let me fucking leave.” He stalks into the bathroom.
