Page 18 of Losing Forever
“Hold that thought.” I raise a finger and stand. Next, I’m racing to the bathroom.
7
Braylee
What in the world just happened?
My heart ricochets in my chest like a pinball, and I can't get it to stop. My veins pulse like they’re live wires.
Grayson is too much. Too intense. Too annoying. Too flirty. Too tempting.
His presence alone stirs my body to life, but when he touched me, as stupid as it sounds, I felt charged with energy. The way he looked at me, like I'm the air he needs to breathe, took me to a whole other level of awareness. Then he licked his lips.
Why would he lick his lips? To taunt me?
Unintentionally, I licked my own, repeating the action like you would after catching someone’s yawn. It just happened. The charge between us did something. It woke a part of me that died after the accident. I desired him in a way I’ve never desired anyone.
Of course, it could be a result of my recent sex dreams and not being intimate in over a year. How many college-aged adults can say that?
My fingers twitch with nervous energy. I grab the Styrofoam cup to have something to hold and take a sip.Ew!
Cold black coffee meets my tongue. I force it down my throat and toss the rest into the nearby trashcan. As it is, I struggle with the taste of coffee and drink it out of necessity in the morning, adding a ton of cream and sweetener to help with the flavor.
At least he’s not here to see my reaction. I was mean enough to him. He brought me a drink, and I gave him the cold shoulder. It wasn’t payback for all those years ago in the pool. This is a strange ugly side that arises when he’s around.
If jealousy were a color, it’d be two-toned—red swirled with black. It’s not just jealousy over the way he acted with Caitlyn. I imagine it’d be like that with any girl. I’m jealous of how attractive and charming he is. A natural. Of how easy life is for him. Famous college baseball player and now, a partner in my uncle’s business. When does he have the time to do both? Why is he bothering when, based on Caitlyn’s reaction, his future is set with pro ball?
I’m also angry at him for how he makes me feel when he’s around, and at myself for wanting him sexually. There, I said it. I want Grayson James to give me orgasms. Lots of them. A hundred other girls in the world want the same thing, I’m sure. But I will resist because he’s trouble, and I don’t need trouble.
My knee hits the desk.Ow. I rub it. Since when is my old nervous habit back? I stopped bouncing my leg after the accident. My muscles were changed. I needed physical therapy to relearn most things. Could be muscle memory. Regardless of the cause, I need to calm down. This kind of fidgeting and breathing could trigger a panic attack.
I haven’t had one of those in a long while, either. Maybe I’m being paranoid. I want to get my scarf from my bag, but I don’t want Noah to know I need it. He’d blame Grayson, and it’s not Grayson. It’s me. My reaction to him. My wanting him.
No. I'll stay here and work through these sensations with pictures from the internet.
I search Pinterest for purple and yellow flowers. Images of lavender fields and sunflowers brighten the screen. Focusing on the colors, I work to slow my breathing and calm my thoughts.
Like I have so many times, I imagine walking among the lavender fields, the breeze blowing my hair, the sun warming my skin, and the flowery, sweet fragrance filling me with each breath. It works until another scent comes to mind—soap mixed with musk and male. Grayson's scent. It still lingers in the air. I take deeper breaths, inhaling more. Inhaling him. My stomach flutters and tingles fire between my legs.
No, no, no. Lavender. I’m focusing on lavender. I open my eyes—when had I closed them?—and stare at the pictures.
It must be April Fool's in my brain today because all I see is Grayson lying on a bed of lavender. Those violet eyes stare up at me while he caresses my cheek. The sweetest smile shows on his face. Then he's cupping the back of my neck and pulling me to him. Our lips touch and the world fades away. It's just the two of us, our tongues dancing, while his hands sear a path over every inch of my skin.
A whimper sounds in the room. It takes me a moment to realize it came from me. My eyes pop open. Closed again? That was not the kind of meditation I had in mind, and yet, in a strange way, it worked. Even though my body hums from the daydream of Grayson's touch, my breathing is calmer, deeper, and my anxiety is gone.
Unbelievable.
I touch my bottom lip and close my eyes, replaying in my mind the part where he kissed me. The softness and the desperation.Would it be like that in real life if I kissed him?
I let out a sad sigh. It's better not to find out. Grayson may kiss girls as often as I change my underwear, but I wouldn't survive an interaction like that. Too many emotions and sensations are involved. And if we did kiss and I were a mess afterward, Noah would blame himself for bringing Grayson into my life. If his parents found out, they’d blame Noah for not watching out for me, and I’d be plagued with guilt for going against my cousin’s advice and causing problems at the office.
Yeah. Doing anything with Grayson would be a disaster, and neither of us can handle a debacle like that right now.
I scout the office for him. Why he took off, as if he were about to pee his pants, is beyond me. He's so unpredictable, and confusing, and hot.
No. Not hot. He's a complication I’m dealing with.
The door to Calvin's office opens, and Noah pokes his head in. “There are donuts out here if you want some.”
