Page 74 of Catcher's Lock
“Fuck her,” I say, grasping his jaw and forcing him to face the entreaty in my eyes. “If she thinks that, then she doesn’t know you like I do, and who needs her fucking approval, anyway?”
“You have no fucking idea, do you?” Yanking himself free of my grip, he shoves me back, then stalks after me as I stumble in shock.
“You think we all just picked up and went on with our lives when you left? Like it was no big deal, or we were better off without you?You fucking vanished, Quill. You wouldn’t answer your phone. No one in Mendo had seen you. The cops couldn’t find you. It took them three weeks to track down the truck you stole and ditched.
“The next time we hear from you—monthslater—you’ve been arrested. So Hals drives all the way to Chico to bail you out, only to have you ditch him in a hotel room in the middle of the night and disappearagain.”
My ass bumps up against the kitchen table, cutting off my retreat, and he plants a hand on either side of me, boxing me inwith his vicious pain.
“Milla would barely talk to anyone. Hals was punching holes in walls. I was…I was fucking useless. Shilo spent most of her time calling hospitals and police stations and searching the social media profiles of everyone who’d ever said two words to you, hoping someone, somewhere, would catch a sign. And when she wasn’t on the phone or the computer, she was comforting the rest of us. If Cheyenne hadn’t been there, picking up the slack and making sure Big Top didn’t fall apart and Milla got to school—if she hadn’t been Shilo’s shoulder to cry on? None of us would have survived the fallout. You left behind a fucking wasteland, Gem, and Cheyenne held the foundation until the rest of us were ready to rebuild.
“So yeah,the bitchhas earned the right to be pissed and protective, and we both deserved everything she threw at us today.”
“I didn’t—”Know. Think. Mean to hurt you.
But none of those are excuses, and anyway, he doesn’t give me a chance to finish the thought.
“And now I let you waltz back into our lives like all is forgiven because you said all the right words and you’ve decided you like dick. But nothing’s changed, Gem. You’re still a mess, and I’m still making excuses for you. You’ve been high on one thing or another since I found you in that motel room, and I’m standing here trying to convince Cheyenne you’ll go to meetings like I’m supposed to believe in you? Like you’re not the same selfish piece of shit that ripped my heart out and—fuck.” He shoves off the table and turns away, hands flying up to clutch at his hair.
I’ve earned every torrent of his wrath. If I ever want him to trust me again, the last thing I have the right to do is ask him to pull his punches. Butfuck, I’m tired of taking the beating. The drop from my earlier elation is too steep, too violent.
“I was trying toprotectyou,” I hiss, clawing at the edge of theflimsy table until it creaks under the strain.
“Protect me fromwhat, Gem? Watching my best friend turn into a drunk like my father? That ship had already sailed.”
The fight blows out of me as quickly as it came, and I scrub at my shorn scalp, wishing I could peel it open and show him all the inexplicable pathways of my mangled brain.
“God, Rocket, Iknow. Fuck. Look at what happened today with Cheyenne. I’m back in your life for five minutes and you’re keeping secrets from the people who love you, like you did that night. This is exactly why I couldn’t stick around and keep letting you fall in love with me.”
“I’ve been in love with you since I wasthirteen, Quill. I couldn’t even protectmyselffrom it, no matter how much crap you pulled. You didn’tlet medo anything. You think I needed your bullshit protection from something that happened basically the day we met? I didn’t. And I didn’t need you to love me back the same way. What I needed was for you to see what I saw. To fucking loveyourselfenough to stop with all the self-destructive crap andbe my fucking Star-Lord.”
The distance between us is cavernous, unbridgeable.
It’s less than the length of my arm.
“Okay. You’re right,” I plead. “I’m sorry. Look, I know I have a history of manipulating you and throwing off seriously mixed signals. I don’t blame you for not trusting me. But I swear, I’m trying to do better. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to make things right. And no matter what you think of me, I wouldn’t have sucked your dick if I wasn’t serious about it. Aboutyou.”
“Why, though? What the fuck changed? Did you get hit with some magical bi-awakening juju out in New Mexico? Or have you always been curious, and it was me that was the fucking problem?” His voice goes ghostly at the end, his eyes haunted with the shine of unshed tears.
How can he possibly think he’s ever been aproblem? He’s a fucking life raft, just out of reach.
“I think…” Helplessly, I spread my hands, grasping at a truth I barely understand. “I think I was always curious about your dick. Mostly because it was attached toyou. And that scared the hell out of me—not because you’re a guy, but because you were the person who saw me, cracks and all, and still looked at me like I was a hero when I was anything but. I was never gonna live up to that. I would have destroyed you if I’d tried.”
“You destroyed me anyway. We could have tried together.”
“Can we do that now? I can’t guarantee there’s anything left in here worth saving, but I promise to fucking fight like hell to salvage whatever you’ll have of me.”
“You gotta quit with the booze and the drugs,” he says—an olive branch shaped like an ultimatum. “That can’t be something you say just to placate me.”
“I know.”
“And you need to figure your shit out with your family. Including Cheyenne.”
“I know.” I risk a step toward him, and he doesn’t back away.
“And if you decide to run again, you have to tell me first. No sneaking out in the middle of the night.”
“I’ll let you tie me to the bed.”
