Page 71 of Unlocked Dive
“I am better.” I’m still in my tank and joggers, but my dad is known at Angler and probably slipped the host a fifty, so no one complains. We have the window table, of course, and the Bay Bridge glitters iconically in the weak afternoon sunlight. I’m sipping the same beer I always order and am feeling only slightly disgruntled that the waitress didn’t card me now that I actually have a legal ID.
“It was worth it, then?” He studies me over his own beer, and I bristle.
“Worth it? You mean, worth letting Byrd fuck me if it means I can still perform?”
“Imean, I’m happy to see you have your confidence back. I’ve never cared who you fucked.”
It’s true, but I don’t miss the subtext. He’s never cared because it’s never been serious before. He likes that I remind him of his own fuckboy glory days.
Thanks to Gabe paving the way, my dad didn’t even bat an eye when I came out to him at fourteen. And my mom relaxedthe grandkids bullshit when she realized after three days of researching adoption that California is hyper-liberal and doesn’t give a fuck if the couple is queer. She can keep dreaming. I’m not sharing Byrd with some rug rat any time soon.
“It’s more than that this time. I love him.” The words fill me with blue skies and butterflies, but my dad frowns, unimpressed.
“It might feel like that now—”
“Don’t do that. Don’t start treating me like a child after all these years because I finally want something you don’t approve of.”
“You’re twenty-one years old, and you have your whole career ahead of you.”
Jesus, he’s a fucking cliché.I squash the niggling voice that reminds me Byrd’s made the same point on more than one occasion.
“And Byrd knows all about that career. He had the same one.”Until his bitch ex-wife made him give it up.
As if he can read the rancorous thought, my dad continues, “He’s also barely out of his marriage. To a woman.”
“He’s bi. So what? And how long were you and Detta separated when you hooked up with Mom? Five minutes?” I can’t believe he’s trying to give me serious relationship advice.
“This isn’t about me. It’s not even about Byrd. It’s about you and your future.”
“I wanthimto be my future. I wouldn’t even have one if it weren’t for him.”
That stops him, and he leans back in his chair, frustration dissolving into concern as he shuffles his silverware and studies me.
“How bad was it?” he asks quietly.
“Bad.” Ignoring his flinch, I lay my hand on the table and curl my fingers into a fist. The muscles flex as easily as memory, rippling under my tattoo, but the scars are still there beneath the ink. “Not only the hand—that sucked, but it wasn’t the pain that broke me. It was the fear.” Guilt flashes across his face, but I barrel on. “I know you don’t want to hear it, Dad, but after the fall, I was scared of everything. The rope. My body. That I’d never be Echo again.”The son you wanted.
“We never meant…Inever meant to abandon you.” He stumbles over the admission. Admitting his own failings has never been my dad’s forte. “Or to make you feel like you weren’t loved for more than your talent.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”Not entirely. “You weren’t the only one attached to that perfect version of me. I built that identity for myself too.”Made myself the star of our perfect, fucked-up family and fooled myself into thinking it meant I was grown up.
“And now?” The caution in his voice doesn’t hurt the way it would have a few months ago.
“Now I think maybe I can be something better. Something grounded. Something real.”The Echo that Byrd sees.
“Because ofhim?”
Before I can answer, his phone vibrates on the tablecloth, and my brother’s name flashes across the screen.
“What’s up with Gabe?”
“Nothing.” He flips the phone over without looking at it, hiding the incoming call.
“Then why is he calling you?”
“Nothing” is a load of bullshit. Gabe and my dad rarely speak to each other, and there’s no reason he’d be calling instead of texting unless it was important.
“Your brother is in the city and is asking to see me. I’ll call him back later.”
